Updated: Nov 26, 2021
The government is to ban Britain's superrich from burning mountains of bank notes in their AGAs and glass fires. The popular winter practice will become illegal from December 1st, causing many idle toffs to claim, 'well that's another Christmas ruined.'
A spokesman from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said, 'Turns out the polymer notes placed in circulation a few years ago, although harder to forge, unfortunately will not burn in an environmentally friendly way. And as we're hosting this COP 69 nonsense, the PM wanted to throw the bleeding hearts a bone until the spotlight's off us.'
However, filthy rich hedge fund advisor, Digby de Courcy, said, 'This is discriminating against the privileged. One of our simple pleasures is rubbing plebs' noses in the dirt. Are we now to be denied that too?
’Because believe me, there’s no better way of doing it than burning unspeakably obscene bundles of hard cash. Sums that in their distorted view, might've been used to help them do boring things like eat, pay energy bills or live. But, tell me, where's the fun in that?'
Meanwhile, Daily Mail reader and brainwashed moron, Obadiah Ramsbottom from Settle, a lifelong Labour supporter who voted Conservative for the first time in the last General Election, and who hasn’t got a pot to piss in said: Well, t'int my place to tell betters how to spend their money. Nay lad, I’m just happy in't knowledge that whatever 'appens, Boris has my back and he'll do me proud.”