UN breaks Guinness World Record for environmental pledges abandoned

In what is seen as ‘super quick time’, the industrial nations of the world have abandoned their climate commitments quicker than a Boris Johnson marriage. Even before the last COP26 nut-roast had been discarded, the UK has already committed to generating 60% of its electricity by burning effigies of Greta Thunberg.

After the conference there was an audible sonic boom, which initially was thought to be all the private jets leaving; but was in fact the pledges being broken at 800 miles per hour. What followed next, was a form of collective amnesia, where the delegates pretended that global warming was just God’s way of getting us to wear more bikinis. Said one delegate: ‘The environment, what’s that?’

Plans are already in place to abandon COP27 pledges, with the strap line ‘Burn, baby, burn!’ Asked if they planned to keep any of their promises, they promised: ‘Only the meaningless ones’.

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Sir David Attenborough tests positive for second job

Sources within the BBC have revealed today that celebrated naturalist Sir David Attenborough has tested positive for a second job. A source noticed in the days following the COP26 conference that the natural history broadcaster began displaying symptoms of having a lucrative second job: “Sir David started acting a little greedy, asking people to pay for his house to be decorated and fund a lavish filming project on Mustique. “By the end of the week Mr Attenborough was a part-time consultant advising a fossil-fuel energy provider where to drill for oil in the Amazon rainforest. He was lighting cigars with fifty pound notes and frequently found balls-deep in anything that crossed his path. “It was at this point we suggested he take a superfluous income test. And as we suspected he was riddled with sleaze.” Forensic accountants have determined the 95 year-old presenter contracted the need for a second job whilst in close proximity to the Prime Minister at COP26, where the PM refused to wear a gag. Supporters of the Prime Minister suggest there could have been no transmission of lucrative opportunities as, it being a major climate-defining meeting, Mr Johnson characteristically slept his way through it. However, clarifying that transmission wasn’t impossible, accountants confirmed the elected leader is speculated to have infected Jennifer Arcuri with public funding whilst snoring during coitus, on many occasions. Family and friends of the nation’s beloved environmentalist say he is doing well, convalescing doing unpaid work in a charity shop.

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COP26 ended by Patel raid for suspected foreigners

Despite COP26 taking place in Scotland and it not being her patch, Home Secretary Priti Patel has led a raid on a Glasgow conference centre. Directing the charge into the main hall, a wide-eyed and moderately salivating Patel pointed at anyone not looking or sounding entirely British. Border Force officials operating completely within the remit of new 'buildings suspected of containing foreigners' laws rushed through parliament last week, set about the crowds like windmilling baton machines.

Some viewers were said to be 'horrified' and 'couldn't understand why delegates were not being bludgeoned on a basis of their clearly labelled lanyards stating which country they were form.'

One transfixed viewer commented, 'It was a total bloodbath. An army of Border Force tough guys set about the crowds like they were clubbing baby seals. It's probable some genuine Brits were caught up in it all, but that's their own fault for associating with those sorts.'

The raid was described by a Conservative Party spokes-toff as. 'Possibly not the best look for an international conference on saving the planet, but it should go down very well with Conservatives on the south coast. As long as they know unnecessary harm is being inflicted on suspected foreigners, then they are happy. And that's the most important thing here.'

Boris Johnson was claimed to have expressed surprise at the raid. 'I thought the Home Secretary was supposed to clean the house and make my dinner?'

In what was clearly an unpleasant atmosphere of choking smirkiness, events took an ironic turn when in the ensuing frenzy Priti Patel herself was accidentally deported.

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