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COP26: A Delegate's Guide


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Morning Queues


What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.


Speeches


Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.


The Green Zone


A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.


Informal Gatherings


A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.


The Delusional Lounge


A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.





First published 3 Nov 2021


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UN breaks Guinness World Record for environmental pledges abandoned


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In what is seen as ‘super quick time’, the industrial nations of the world have abandoned their climate commitments quicker than a Boris Johnson marriage. Even before the last COP26 nut-roast had been discarded, the UK has already committed to generating 60% of its electricity by burning effigies of Greta Thunberg.



After the conference there was an audible sonic boom, which initially was thought to be all the private jets leaving; but was in fact the pledges being broken at 800 miles per hour. What followed next, was a form of collective amnesia, where the delegates pretended that global warming was just God’s way of getting us to wear more bikinis. Said one delegate: ‘The environment, what’s that?’



Plans are already in place to abandon COP27 pledges, with the strap line ‘Burn, baby, burn!’ Asked if they planned to keep any of their promises, they promised: ‘Only the meaningless ones’.





Sir David Attenborough tests positive for second job

Updated: Jan 6, 2022


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Sources within the BBC have revealed today that celebrated naturalist Sir David Attenborough has tested positive for a second job. A source noticed in the days following the COP26 conference that the natural history broadcaster began displaying symptoms of having a lucrative second job: “Sir David started acting a little greedy, asking people to pay for his house to be decorated and fund a lavish filming project on Mustique. “By the end of the week Mr Attenborough was a part-time consultant advising a fossil-fuel energy provider where to drill for oil in the Amazon rainforest. He was lighting cigars with fifty pound notes and frequently found balls-deep in anything that crossed his path. “It was at this point we suggested he take a superfluous income test. And as we suspected he was riddled with sleaze.” Forensic accountants have determined the 95 year-old presenter contracted the need for a second job whilst in close proximity to the Prime Minister at COP26, where the PM refused to wear a gag. Supporters of the Prime Minister suggest there could have been no transmission of lucrative opportunities as, it being a major climate-defining meeting, Mr Johnson characteristically slept his way through it. However, clarifying that transmission wasn’t impossible, accountants confirmed the elected leader is speculated to have infected Jennifer Arcuri with public funding whilst snoring during coitus, on many occasions. Family and friends of the nation’s beloved environmentalist say he is doing well, convalescing doing unpaid work in a charity shop.








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