Updated: Jan 6
Sources within the BBC have revealed today that celebrated naturalist Sir David Attenborough has tested positive for a second job. A source noticed in the days following the COP26 conference that the natural history broadcaster began displaying symptoms of having a lucrative second job: “Sir David started acting a little greedy, asking people to pay for his house to be decorated and fund a lavish filming project on Mustique. “By the end of the week Mr Attenborough was a part-time consultant advising a fossil-fuel energy provider where to drill for oil in the Amazon rainforest. He was lighting cigars with fifty pound notes and frequently found balls-deep in anything that crossed his path. “It was at this point we suggested he take a superfluous income test. And as we suspected he was riddled with sleaze.” Forensic accountants have determined the 95 year-old presenter contracted the need for a second job whilst in close proximity to the Prime Minister at COP26, where the PM refused to wear a gag. Supporters of the Prime Minister suggest there could have been no transmission of lucrative opportunities as, it being a major climate-defining meeting, Mr Johnson characteristically slept his way through it. However, clarifying that transmission wasn’t impossible, accountants confirmed the elected leader is speculated to have infected Jennifer Arcuri with public funding whilst snoring during coitus, on many occasions. Family and friends of the nation’s beloved environmentalist say he is doing well, convalescing doing unpaid work in a charity shop.