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NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024

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November 2024


November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since.


Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager. There was some controversy about Rachel Reeves’ CV, with suggestions that she might have overstated her qualifications. And the Charity Commission published a report slating Captain Tom’s family for mismanagement.


In health news, the media went crazy about weight loss jabs. Just a thin excuse for journos to claim back the cost of jabs as ‘research’. A thin excuse. See what I did there? In entertainment news, that guy from the crisp adverts quit Match of the Day.


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from November 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK politics


US politics


Culture, Media and Sport



Headlines - politics 

Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia

Democratic Party donors ask for refunds       

103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong

Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury

Chancer of the Exchequer

Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the Govt?!


Headlines - professions

Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome

Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches

Astronomer caught moonlighting

Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing


Headlines – entertainment

Eric Morecambe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order

Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD

Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures

New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo

Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake


Other headlines

DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches

IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated



Image credit: deep dream generator


Insomniacs looking forward to another hour awake in bed

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With Daylight Saving Time coming to an end on Saturday, insomniacs up and down the country are looking forward to another hour lying awake in bed staring at the ceiling.


'I count sheep,' said Dave, a lifelong insomniac.  'I average about one sheep a second and in a normal night I count a flock of thirty-two thousand, four-hundred sheep.  When the clocks go back, the flock swells to thirty-six thousand sheep,' he said.  'When I get up, I imagine letting the flock escape to new pastures,' he added.


'I count illegal immigrants,' said Ralph, a Reform councillor, admitting that he counts one a second as well.  'I don't waste them like Dave,' he said, 'I add them to the Reform illegal immigrant watch list used in all our publicity.  That's how we claim nearly twelve million illegals arriving by boat each year,' he added.


Dave rubbed his eyes at Ralph's claims, not believing that his shared trauma could be used to weaponise their shared affliction.  'You imagine immigrants and use the results to falsify your claims?' he asked.  'I don't know how you sleep at night,' he said.



Image credit: perchance.org

Britain’s fish pun stocks ‘critically endangered’


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Following many decades of indiscriminate overuse, the Department for the Environment, Food & Rural Affairs has warned that Britain might run out of fish puns within the next ten years. Some experts now believe that a complete ban may need to be put in plaice to stop unoriginal forced banter depleting the seas forever.


‘It may sound like something out of a bad bream but the industry is sardine-ly perched between a rock and a hard plaice,’ said a DEFRA spokesman. ‘From what we’re herring, there isn’t a single seafood-related piece of wordplay that hasn’t been done to death, unfor-tuna-tely.


‘We’ll mullet over in committee but the scale of the problem should net be underestimated. If you can think of a better solution, you’ll have to let minnow. Don’t be koi about it.’


Recently, representatives of the Grimsby fishing industry petitioned the Government for the seafood industry to be given special free trade status after Brexit, despite Grimsby itself voting strongly to leave the EU after a strong campaign by U-kippers. DEFRA believes that this is completely impractical, however badly the industry is floundering.


‘I’ve haddock enough of this. The s-tench of hypocrisy is appalling,’ said the spokesperson. ‘You can’t spend years complaining about the Common Fish Pun Policy then demand an exemption. It’s quite troutlandish behaviour: they think they can have their hake and eat it. Hey, did you see what I did there?’

Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmon were unavailable for comment.



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