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    • 15 years of Typos
      • Nov 7, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Britain’s fish pun stocks ‘critically endangered’



    Following many decades of indiscriminate overuse, the Department for the Environment, Food & Rural Affairs has warned that Britain might run out of fish puns within the next ten years. Some experts now believe that a complete ban may need to be put in plaice to stop unoriginal forced banter depleting the seas forever.


    ‘It may sound like something out of a bad bream but the industry is sardine-ly perched between a rock and a hard plaice,’ said a DEFRA spokesman. ‘From what we’re herring, there isn’t a single seafood-related piece of wordplay that hasn’t been done to death, unfor-tuna-tely.


    ‘We’ll mullet over in committee but the scale of the problem should net be underestimated. If you can think of a better solution, you’ll have to let minnow. Don’t be koi about it.’


    Recently, representatives of the Grimsby fishing industry petitioned the Government for the seafood industry to be given special free trade status after Brexit, despite Grimsby itself voting strongly to leave the EU after a strong campaign by U-kippers. DEFRA believes that this is completely impractical, however badly the industry is floundering.


    ‘I’ve haddock enough of this. The s-tench of hypocrisy is appalling,’ said the spokesperson. ‘You can’t spend years complaining about the Common Fish Pun Policy then demand an exemption. It’s quite troutlandish behaviour: they think they can have their hake and eat it. Hey, did you see what I did there?’

    Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmon were unavailable for comment.


    Image: Maklay62 | Pixabay


    Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'

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    • Oshaughnessy
      • Nov 7, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Ebahgumshire Cricket Club banned from hosting Black History Month events

    Updated: Jan 10



    'It's a complete travesty,' said Ebahgumshire's controversial Director of T'Cricket, Maurice Braithwaite. 'T'England and Wales cricket board won't let us have owt to do with anything ethnic minority related. They've suspended us from screening 1970's popular sitcoms during the tea interval and threatened to confiscate all our cricket bats for the start of next t'season. All our sponsors have buggered off apart from Britain First which I'm led to believe is some sort of keep fit chain.'


    A spokesperson for the ECB said that it wasn't the kind of behaviour they'd expect from a first-class county. They fully expected Mr Braithwaite to resign even if it was only for putting a 't' in front of everything.


    'Resign? They're bloody bonkers. I'm just about the least racist person I know. I'm playing the part of the black maid in the clubs Gone With T'Wind Christmas panto, and the manager of the Ebahgumshire Balti House chain of restaurants never has a problem with me calling him Gandhi.'


    Image: jstarj | Pixabay


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    Pile of rubbish on roundabout set to close


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    • Oshaughnessy
      • Nov 7, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Australia solves rising sea level crisis by giving everyone a surfboard

    Updated: Nov 20, 2021



    'It's a bonza solution to global warming,' said Australian Prime Minister and digeridoo salesman, Scott Morrison.


    If everyone has a surfboard, they don't have to worry about a deluge of water sweeping away their homes. They can ride out the wave to the nearest available patch of hilly ground. What's not too like? I'll even throw in some of my old Kylie CD's if it helps.


    There's no way I'm cutting down on coal until at least 2175, despite what I said after seventeen tinnies in the bar at the climate shindig. Here in Australia, we're looking forward to more heat. It just makes lighting up the barbie down by the billabong a whole lot easier. Besides, if all these do-gooders stop us digging up coal, how will we feed our indigenous people?


    Image: Patsasha | Pixabay


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    GB News ‘devastated’ by the death of their only viewer


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