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NewsBiscuit: Best of December 2024


December 2024


In December 2024 everything happened to a backing track of Christmas carols, making them seem ever-so-slightly less awful. In the UK, there was another Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince controversy. This one was about his links with a Chinese spy. But can you list all the Andrew controversies since then? Thought not. The government offered health workers a measly pay increase, compensated LGBT service personnel, but decided (at the time) not to compensate the Waspi women. Planning any more U-turns, Keir? The prison service scandal of the day was about prisoners on early release being mistakenly released too early. How times have changed. And the UK economy continued to stutter. Re...re...re…cession? How times have changed.


In the New Year’s honours list, Sadiq Khan was recognised for services to congestion, and Gareth Southgate got a knighthood for trying really, really hard at the footie, and for always wearing a suit.


In entertainment news, Greg Wallace was deemed too unsavoury for cooking shows, and the BBC went on far too much about the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special.


After overdosing on the US presidential election for all of 2024, the media decided not to report any news from America this month.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from December 2024, selected by popular vote. Thanks to the three people who voted… Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Politics


Stories about Christmas, and Prince Charmless


Sport and Entertainment


Other news


And here are the Headlines...


Politics

Labour brings in Tory cuts

Labour government makes absolute commitment to reduce immigration 'to some extent'

Compo results: LGBT veterans £70k - Waspi women £nil

Waspi women retire hurt

'So Nigel Farage. What first attracted you to the billionaire Elon Musk?'


Entertainment

BBC expected to dial down the Gavin & Stacey stories in February

BBC refuses to comment on 'culture of silence'

Wallace led me around on all fours, says Gromit

Masterchef to remain on air with Wallace's head replaced by deepfake potato


Andrew M-W

Prince Andrew sweating now

Andrew can't even send out for a Chinese now


Organisations

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day

Quitters Anonymous disband during first meeting

Weight Watchers: still big in UK


And finally...

A single cigarette takes £1.30 off your life, say scientists

Single man with bad handwriting is UK's most illegible bachelor

Ruthless bounty hunter tears sweet shop apart

The last two candidates to illustrate auction catalogue have to draw lots

A woman took time off work to have a Brazilian butt lift. Now she’s all behind



Image credit: deep dream generator

NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024


November 2024


November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since.


Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager. There was some controversy about Rachel Reeves’ CV, with suggestions that she might have overstated her qualifications. And the Charity Commission published a report slating Captain Tom’s family for mismanagement.


In health news, the media went crazy about weight loss jabs. Just a thin excuse for journos to claim back the cost of jabs as ‘research’. A thin excuse. See what I did there? In entertainment news, that guy from the crisp adverts quit Match of the Day.


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from November 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK politics


US politics


Culture, Media and Sport



Headlines - politics 

Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia

Democratic Party donors ask for refunds       

103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong

Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury

Chancer of the Exchequer

Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the Govt?!


Headlines - professions

Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome

Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches

Astronomer caught moonlighting

Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing


Headlines – entertainment

Eric Morecambe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order

Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD

Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures

New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo

Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake


Other headlines

DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches

IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated



Image credit: deep dream generator


Insomniacs looking forward to another hour awake in bed


With Daylight Saving Time coming to an end on Saturday, insomniacs up and down the country are looking forward to another hour lying awake in bed staring at the ceiling.


'I count sheep,' said Dave, a lifelong insomniac.  'I average about one sheep a second and in a normal night I count a flock of thirty-two thousand, four-hundred sheep.  When the clocks go back, the flock swells to thirty-six thousand sheep,' he said.  'When I get up, I imagine letting the flock escape to new pastures,' he added.


'I count illegal immigrants,' said Ralph, a Reform councillor, admitting that he counts one a second as well.  'I don't waste them like Dave,' he said, 'I add them to the Reform illegal immigrant watch list used in all our publicity.  That's how we claim nearly twelve million illegals arriving by boat each year,' he added.


Dave rubbed his eyes at Ralph's claims, not believing that his shared trauma could be used to weaponise their shared affliction.  'You imagine immigrants and use the results to falsify your claims?' he asked.  'I don't know how you sleep at night,' he said.



Image credit: perchance.org

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