Hollywood was left stunned last night as world-leading thespian-activist and part-time grey suit mannequin Keir Starmer swept up a BAFTA for Best Actor in 'U-Turn: The Movie'

In a brief official notice, cable-tied to the palace gates and laminated against a light drizzle, Buckingham Palace confirmed the creation of a new ceremonial fixture: Trooping the Suspect.

There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice. The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement. Starmer, dressed in...