There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice. The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement. Starmer, dressed in...

Following an intense, dramatic and absolutely no-stone-unturned investigation in Downing Street, it has emerged that the Prime Minister’s elite high-level security vetting team simply believed everything Peter Mandelson told them, because he wore a nice suit. The inquiry was launched after Labour MPs raised concerns that the government’s vetting process appeared to involve asking candidates 'Are you dodgy?' A senior investigator explained how the process unfolded. 'It started off by him...

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