Britain’s fish pun stocks ‘critically endangered’
Following many decades of indiscriminate overuse, the Department for the Environment, Food & Rural Affairs has warned that Britain might run out of fish puns within the next ten years. Some experts now believe that a complete ban may need to be put in plaice to stop unoriginal forced banter depleting the seas forever.
‘It may sound like something out of a bad bream but the industry is sardine-ly perched between a rock and a hard plaice,’ said a DEFRA spokesman. ‘From what we’re herring, there isn’t a single seafood-related piece of wordplay that hasn’t been done to death, unfor-tuna-tely.
‘We’ll mullet over in committee but the scale of the problem should net be underestimated. If you can think of a better solution, you’ll have to let minnow. Don’t be koi about it.’
Recently, representatives of the Grimsby fishing industry petitioned the Government for the seafood industry to be given special free trade status after Brexit, despite Grimsby itself voting strongly to leave the EU after a strong campaign by U-kippers. DEFRA believes that this is completely impractical, however badly the industry is floundering.
‘I’ve haddock enough of this. The s-tench of hypocrisy is appalling,’ said the spokesperson. ‘You can’t spend years complaining about the Common Fish Pun Policy then demand an exemption. It’s quite troutlandish behaviour: they think they can have their hake and eat it. Hey, did you see what I did there?’
Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmon were unavailable for comment.
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