Trying to self-identify as rich Tory tw&t but I need help

Chancellor sticks knife into 99% of population again because, well, it's just muscle memory reflex

During Wednesday's budget statement Rishi Sunak promised the nation that he had done absolutely everything to ensure absolutely everyone continues to be as fabulously wealthy as him.

In what is being called a masterstroke of fiscal policy which only the Conservative party has the economic understanding to conjure up, the Chancellor of the Exchequer pushed the event horizon boundaries of generosity. Regardless of economic status, every person in the UK is to receive a limp gherkin and two mouldy pickled onions.

Despite wide support and raucous cheers which sounded exactly like guffawing from the Tory back benches, the Institute for Fiscal Responsibility Yet Wholly Inappropriate Facial Expressions murmured something yawn. 'The Chancellor's new budgetary innovations won't be made available for two years, and beyond that each gherkin will be excruciatingly shat out over a period of twenty fiscal quarters.'

On a perkier note, the Office of Budget Actually Even More Crappy Than it Seems said that it quite liked the name Pishi Rishi had come up with for his economy revival plans. 'Most people won't bother considering the appalling numbers and just coo over it being called Eat Out at Food Banks to Help Out.'

Image: Pixabay: stevepb

Super-rich unhappy at being told they can no longer burn mountains of bank notes

The government is to ban Britain's superrich from burning mountains of bank notes in their AGAs and glass fires. The popular winter practice will become illegal from December 1st, causing many idle toffs to claim, 'well that's another Christmas ruined.'

A spokesman from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said, 'Turns out the polymer notes placed in circulation a few years ago, although harder to forge, unfortunately will not burn in an environmentally friendly way. And as we're hosting this COP 69 nonsense, the PM wanted to throw the bleeding hearts a bone until the spotlight's off us.'

However, filthy rich hedge fund advisor, Digby de Courcy, said, 'This is discriminating against the privileged. One of our simple pleasures is rubbing plebs' noses in the dirt. Are we now to be denied that too?

’Because believe me, there’s no better way of doing it than burning unspeakably obscene bundles of hard cash. Sums that in their distorted view, might've been used to help them do boring things like eat, pay energy bills or live. But, tell me, where's the fun in that?'

Meanwhile, Daily Mail reader and brainwashed moron, Obadiah Ramsbottom from Settle, a lifelong Labour supporter who voted Conservative for the first time in the last General Election, and who hasn’t got a pot to piss in said: Well, t'int my place to tell betters how to spend their money. Nay lad, I’m just happy in't knowledge that whatever 'appens, Boris has my back and he'll do me proud.”

Image: sick-street-photography | Pixabay

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