Chancellor sticks knife into 99% of population again because, well, it's just muscle memory reflex

During Wednesday's budget statement Rishi Sunak promised the nation that he had done absolutely everything to ensure absolutely everyone continues to be as fabulously wealthy as him.

In what is being called a masterstroke of fiscal policy which only the Conservative party has the economic understanding to conjure up, the Chancellor of the Exchequer pushed the event horizon boundaries of generosity. Regardless of economic status, every person in the UK is to receive a limp gherkin and two mouldy pickled onions.

Despite wide support and raucous cheers which sounded exactly like guffawing from the Tory back benches, the Institute for Fiscal Responsibility Yet Wholly Inappropriate Facial Expressions murmured something yawn. 'The Chancellor's new budgetary innovations won't be made available for two years, and beyond that each gherkin will be excruciatingly shat out over a period of twenty fiscal quarters.'

On a perkier note, the Office of Budget Actually Even More Crappy Than it Seems said that it quite liked the name Pishi Rishi had come up with for his economy revival plans. 'Most people won't bother considering the appalling numbers and just coo over it being called Eat Out at Food Banks to Help Out.'

Image: Pixabay: stevepb

Super-rich unhappy at being told they can no longer burn mountains of bank notes

The government is to ban Britain's superrich from burning mountains of bank notes in their AGAs and glass fires. The popular winter practice will become illegal from December 1st, causing many idle toffs to claim, 'well that's another Christmas ruined.'

A spokesman from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said, 'Turns out the polymer notes placed in circulation a few years ago, although harder to forge, unfortunately will not burn in an environmentally friendly way. And as we're hosting this COP 69 nonsense, the PM wanted to throw the bleeding hearts a bone until the spotlight's off us.'

However, filthy rich hedge fund advisor, Digby de Courcy, said, 'This is discriminating against the privileged. One of our simple pleasures is rubbing plebs' noses in the dirt. Are we now to be denied that too?

’Because believe me, there’s no better way of doing it than burning unspeakably obscene bundles of hard cash. Sums that in their distorted view, might've been used to help them do boring things like eat, pay energy bills or live. But, tell me, where's the fun in that?'

Meanwhile, Daily Mail reader and brainwashed moron, Obadiah Ramsbottom from Settle, a lifelong Labour supporter who voted Conservative for the first time in the last General Election, and who hasn’t got a pot to piss in said: Well, t'int my place to tell betters how to spend their money. Nay lad, I’m just happy in't knowledge that whatever 'appens, Boris has my back and he'll do me proud.”

Image: sick-street-photography | Pixabay

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Rich white men in suits still the most deadly thing on the planet

While everyone is considering the pandemic and thinking it's pretty bad, rich white men in suits are still ending more life than everything else put together. So deadly are they, that the population of the planet has been lulled into the normality of thoughtless acceptance.

Quentin von Baumhafffson-Schtillbank III, a man so rich that he owns the global rights to three 'f's in a row, is one example of many. A multi-billionaire who works hard for the wealth he inherited, got up yesterday in the very early mid-afternoon. Following a brief video exchange with his lead tax consultant, it was established that not only has he still never paid any tax in any country in the world, the structure of his wealth means that most national governments are incomprehensibly paying him tax. But apparently not enough.

Quentin von Baumhafffson-Schtillbank III, a widely respected man of little character or mental capacity just decided that he wanted another billion yesterday. Not for anything in particular, just because he felt like it. The monotony of obscene affluence will do that. But he had absolutely no thought for how that would all come about, and did not care one iota. He just told his number two that he wanted it, and Stramboot Finkelvos made it happen - earning himself a nice little multi-million dollar commission on the side.

Although himself not completely aware of all the substructures which 'make things happen', Finkelvos is very well connected all over the world. He put the call out to an army of hedge fund managers, paid insiders at federal reserves, global investment bank owners, senior politicians in pockets, despots, rebel warlords, and a junior shelf-stacker at Tesco. By the end of a frantic day of shorting, debt swaps, currency movements, corporate global buyouts, a raft of personally beneficial legislation changes, a national coup, multiple massacres, and an each-way bet on the 2:45 at Kempton, QB-S III had made $1.3 billion. 326 million people around the world had been plunged into abject poverty, 2.9 million people had died as a direct result, and 400,000 acres of pristine ecosystem had been destroyed, pushing climate crisis recovery further beyond the collective reach of the entire planet.

Quentin von Baumhaffson-Schtillbank III was, for a brief moment, marginally less grumpy because some numbers on a screen made his personal wealth look slightly bigger. Best of all though, no one knows that the planet-wide annihilation was caused by a fleeting change in whim of one extremely distasteful individual. Not even Quentin himself.

Ironically, rich white men in suits who would like another billion for themselves 'just because', are a self-destroying community. The only piffling element up for consideration is whether their pointless self-consuming behaviour is worth the utter destruction of everyone and everything else?