Rich boy makes sure to emphasise how hard his dad works

18-year-old fresher Luca was left harrowed after a fellow student suggested that he came from wealth.

‘I do, but that’s not the point,’ Luca tells us.

The Exeter fresher had done everything in his power to hide his family’s exuberant wealth, from speaking in an affected East End accent despite being raised in Kensington to donning charity shop streetwear in order to blend in with the average man. These attempts were regrettably futile, as a female student noticed a set of tan-lines consistent with boat shoes, chinos and a puka-shell necklace that had been worn for months in a hot climate while watching a local man build a well.

‘I’m not going to apologise for where I come from,’ Luca says, smoking a Chesterfield Red. ‘Daddy’s worked his bally arse off to get where he is. Sometimes he’s in his office for three hours at a time.’

Luca took great pains to convey how hard his father works by explaining all the cello recitals he missed as Luca was growing up. While his exact job title hasn’t been disclosed, Luca reveals that it’s got “something to do with finance.”

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Rich people not to be trusted with money

Ludicrously wealthy people are not to be trusted with money, it has emerged.

'But I want to put a solid gold didgeridoo inside a platinum trombone and then put that inside a diamond encrusted French horn, and then not let anyone blow it,' said rich people. 'Look over there. That's a foreign squirrel coming to take your job. You should hate them all for that.'

'You did that last time,' said poor people.

'No I didn't', said rich people. 'Here are some more very clever personages to tell you we never waste money and you should give us some more. Do you see how they pay for themselves?'

'Remember that empire thing where a handful of you owned half the world? Where's all the money you got from that?'

'It was cleverly invested in off-shore truffle tulips. You wouldn't understand. Now stop squandering your tuppence on eating beans to survive while I claim ownership of your feet.'

'You went to a casino last night and gambled it all on a magic goose, didn't you.'

'That's perfectly normal and what I have to do to survive in difficult times. Desperate measures call for desperate solid saffron toilets. You're impressed, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes. Your children think I'm fun and very charming. I want to buy your daughter. Tell her I'm a wealth creator and own all of the rainbows.'

'OK. But only if you promise not to copyright air.'

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Trying to self-identify as rich Tory tw&t but I need help