Rich boy makes sure to emphasise how hard his dad works

18-year-old fresher Luca was left harrowed after a fellow student suggested that he came from wealth.

‘I do, but that’s not the point,’ Luca tells us.

The Exeter fresher had done everything in his power to hide his family’s exuberant wealth, from speaking in an affected East End accent despite being raised in Kensington to donning charity shop streetwear in order to blend in with the average man. These attempts were regrettably futile, as a female student noticed a set of tan-lines consistent with boat shoes, chinos and a puka-shell necklace that had been worn for months in a hot climate while watching a local man build a well.

‘I’m not going to apologise for where I come from,’ Luca says, smoking a Chesterfield Red. ‘Daddy’s worked his bally arse off to get where he is. Sometimes he’s in his office for three hours at a time.’

Luca took great pains to convey how hard his father works by explaining all the cello recitals he missed as Luca was growing up. While his exact job title hasn’t been disclosed, Luca reveals that it’s got “something to do with finance.”

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/un-perfekt-9295476/

First published 14 Jul 2023

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Reasons why I didn't go to Jeff Bezos' wedding in Venice

What do you do when you get a wedding invite to a billionaire tech bro's wedding in Venice? Now you have to rearrange your diary, get plane tickets to Italy, figure out if you can claim it as a business expense, buy a new outfit, and more. Worst of all, you have to get them a wedding present that isn't for sale on Amazon, but would be delivered quicker & reliably. And you probably can't get it from Temu or Shein either, as that would cause offence. What a hassle!

So, given the cost, inconvenience, wall-to-wall media coverage, and - worst of all - having to meet all those annoying rich bastards - you could apply yourself to finding an excellent reason why you can't go.

Which is what we did.

Here's our list of the best excuses we could come up with...

- I didn't know when it was - somebody should have mentioned it

- Lauren and I used to be an item

- I turned up at Venice Street, Bolton

- I'm far too rich to attend pleb weddings

- Jeff stole my idea for an online marketplace, and I haven't forgiven him

- I would only go if Donald went with me

- all the Prime seats had gone

- I found another one cheaper on eBay

- it's a hard choice between Jeff's wedding and a hotel stay with Donald Trump in Moscow, afternoon tea with Harold Shipman and a pony trekking holiday in Gaza; I think I'll go to Gaza

- I was worried I'd have to subscribe to regular weddings in order to get money off

- it would betray all my Venice-in-peril donations from eating Veneziana pizzas

- I only go to weddings with five star reviews

- I didn't want to marry Jeff Bezos

- Amazon had increased the price of posh frocks and tuxedos in the run-up to the wedding, and Dunn and Co, went bust after Amazon came on the scene, so I had no idea if I'd just look like a fat bastard in an ill-fitting suit at such short notice

- I was worried that the wedding would show up in my favourites list

- Venice for weddings is so passé

- I was performing a secret set at Glastonbury - so secret no one was there

- it was the only day I could get a driving test

- I was stuck on a train in Wisbech on the connecting route to Great Yarmouth

- I'm Keanu Reeves and I wouldn't go to something like that

- because I'd see more of the wedding at home on TV than I would if I was there in person

- I've been to three funerals recently, so I don't need any more free nosh

With contributions from deskpilot, modelmaker, lockjaw, sirlupus, will , and Titus

Image credit: Wix AI

'Festival of Thatcher' to charge entry inverse to people's wealth

It has been announced that that the recently announced Margaret Thatcher Centenary event, due to take place in the former Prime Minister's hometown in October, will charge an entry fee inverse to how much money a person actually has.

"It's really quite simple" said one of the 'Festival of Thatcher' organisers "the poorer you are, the more you have to pay. It's exactly what Mrs Thatcher, bless her soul, would have wanted. We really wanted to pull out all the stops to mark 100 years since her birth, and this seems like the perfect way."

"For instance, if you're on benefits and want to come along it'll be £250 to get in each, and that's with no child rates. For the slighty more well off it'd be £100, if you're an executive in a well paying job £25, if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg you'd only have to pay £10 for a family ticket and if you just happened to be a billionaire hedge-fund manager you'll get in for free and also receive a souvenir bag!" 

Although not all of the events have been announced they are expected to include such attractions including games (including Sink the Belgrano and Dunk the Miner), stalls selling various Thatcher memorabilia starting at only £500 and finally the unveiling of a solid gold statue of the Iron Lady charged exclusively to the taxpayer.

"We're all very excited and everyone wants to do their part" said one local "One of my mates is dressing up as John Sergeant and letting people interrupt him and have their staff shove him out of the way."

image from pixabay

author: Garibaldi

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