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Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower


Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.


Murrell bought the £3,070 robot lawnmower and recorded the cost in the SNP accounts as 'legal fees'. He is now aiming to prove that the description is genuine and not incorrect by bringing the lawnmower to court, and using it to make his case.


Critics regard this as a bad move. They believe that the lawnmower will probably grass up Murrell. At best, it is likely to cut corners. As a robot lawnmower, it will be unable to think outside the box.


The judge, in a misjudged remark, said that the lawnmower would probably make a better job of cutting the defendant's hair.


Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon



Nicola Sturgeon joined the SNP at 16, immediately specialising in constitutional law and improvised armoured van construction. Innocent of her estranged husband’s financial scandal, has not stopped tabloids speculating she’d escaped a maximum security stockade in 1972. Many found it odd that as Deputy First Minister, she oversaw health policy and the covert welding of milk tankers into escape vehicles.


During the failed 2014 independence referendum, she insisted ‘I love it when a plan comes together’. And as First Minister, she refused to travel by air, telling aides, ‘I ain’t gettin' on no plane, fool, not even for COP26’. MSPs complained that every infrastructure briefing somehow ended with her unveiling a homemade tank disguised as a community centre.


Constituents seeking access to government were quietly advised, that they could bribe her husband, ' - and if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find his sort code... maybe you can hire the First Minister.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Peter Murrell to be stripped of Scottish citizenship


A pressure group is agitating for Peter Murrell to be declared UnScottish and stripped of Scottish citizenship.


'It's not so much the alleged embezzlement,' said Jock Onn, of the pressure group. 'it's what he spent the money on.


'No self respecting Scot would spend £975 on three umbrellas. Actually, £325 for one umbrella is too much. Twenty quid max, I'd say. And £4795 for a pen, FFS. Which, I assume didn't work, as he then spend £4555 on a different pen. If a true Scot needs a pen, then they go to Argos for one of their stubby little blue biros. And if you need a pencil, then you go to IKEA.


'And £3500 for a wine coaster. Wine? He's Scottish. He should be buying Whisky coasters. And there's no money spent on haggis, or salmon, or shortbread. It's like a dagger to the heart. It's basically treason. And that's why his citizenship should be revoked.



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