First Minister defends World Cup expenses

John Swinney, SNP first Minister of Scotland, today defended his and his staff's almost £100,000 bill for visiting the US to watch Scotland play in the World Cup against Haiti. He pointed out that the trip also included a trade mission to Kentucky.

Although Kentucky is nowhere near Boston, he insisted that he had done no wrong.  'Myself and my team were representing Scotland at the Scotland football match in Boston prior to the trade meeting in Kentucky. I think the fact that Scotland won is testament to the good work that the SNP government does in governing Scotland.'

He was then pressed about the fact that he and his staff travelled business class at a cost of over £45,000 in breach of the government's own travel rules. He responded by saying in a rather huffily manner, 'Well, if we had been allowed to keep our motorhome, it would have been a lot cheaper.'

When asked how the trade mission to Kentucky went, he replied, 'Well, we got a couple of bottles of bourbon as gifts, and very tasty it was too.  After we, er, sampled the bourbon, uhm... we... well, I guess we talked.  And sung.  Yes!  I remember lots of singing.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.

Murrell bought the £3,070 robot lawnmower and recorded the cost in the SNP accounts as 'legal fees'. He is now aiming to prove that the description is genuine and not incorrect by bringing the lawnmower to court, and using it to make his case.

Critics regard this as a bad move. They believe that the lawnmower will probably grass up Murrell. At best, it is likely to cut corners. As a robot lawnmower, it will be unable to think outside the box.

The judge, in a misjudged remark, said that the lawnmower would probably make a better job of cutting the defendant's hair.

Image: Yarbo Global (@yarboinc) | Unsplash Photo Community

Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon joined the SNP at 16, immediately specialising in constitutional law and improvised armoured van construction. Innocent of her estranged husband’s financial scandal, has not stopped tabloids speculating she’d escaped a maximum security stockade in 1972. Many found it odd that as Deputy First Minister, she oversaw health policy and the covert welding of milk tankers into escape vehicles.

During the failed 2014 independence referendum, she insisted ‘I love it when a plan comes together’. And as First Minister, she refused to travel by air, telling aides, ‘I ain’t gettin' on no plane, fool, not even for COP26’. MSPs complained that every infrastructure briefing somehow ended with her unveiling a homemade tank disguised as a community centre.

Constituents seeking access to government were quietly advised, that they could bribe her husband, ' - and if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find his sort code... maybe you can hire the First Minister.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive