Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon joined the SNP at 16, immediately specialising in constitutional law and improvised armoured van construction. Innocent of her estranged husband’s financial scandal, has not stopped tabloids speculating she’d escaped a maximum security stockade in 1972. Many found it odd that as Deputy First Minister, she oversaw health policy and the covert welding of milk tankers into escape vehicles.

During the failed 2014 independence referendum, she insisted ‘I love it when a plan comes together’. And as First Minister, she refused to travel by air, telling aides, ‘I ain’t gettin' on no plane, fool, not even for COP26’. MSPs complained that every infrastructure briefing somehow ended with her unveiling a homemade tank disguised as a community centre.

Constituents seeking access to government were quietly advised, that they could bribe her husband, ' - and if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find his sort code... maybe you can hire the First Minister.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Four prisoners freed in error survive as soldiers of fortune

The BBC has been told at least four prisoners, released in error, are still at large. They are believed to be a crack commando unit, that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men were promptly released under government guidelines from a maximum security stockade . They are still wanted today, surviving as soldiers of fortune.

The four members of the gang are; John 'Hannibal' Smith, Templeton Peck (aka 'Faceman'), 'Howling Mad' Murdock and 'B.A.' Baracus. They are known to drive around in a customised 1983 GMC Vandura van, recognisable by its black and gray two-tone paint job, red stripe, red turbine-style wheels, and rooftop spoiler.

The public are being warned not to leave any welding gear unattended, and to keep all old yellow school busses safely locked away. If you have a problem, If no one else can help, even if you can find them, David Lammy is warning people not to approach them. Especially with your phone camera, he doesn't need any more bad publicity

Image: WixAI