60% of children walking to school by 2035—the rest should drive themselves
- Wrenfoe
- 5 days ago
- 1 min read
The Government proposes that most kids should make active travel plans, while the others need to pass their driving license sharpish. Guidance includes strapping several lunchboxes to their feet to reach the pedals — the heavier the sandwiches, the safer the braking.
A Minister explained, "We will provide child-friendly routes, by attaching a small bell to the bonnet that rings louder the closer they get to doing something ill-advised. We'll install unnecessary buttons that control nothing, just to prepare them for adulthood, and replace the steering wheel with a large jam tart."
Meanwhile the rest will be on their shanks pony, with daily treks seen as character development— no longer "late," they’ll be "weathered and road-wise". It will foster imagination — because after enough miles, even a perfectly normal hedgerow begins to look like it might be home to a kidnapper or two. "And whether they walk, cycle or drive, they'll still have no hope at the other end."
