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Eighteen-year-olds will be able to buy half-price train tickets for most services when railcard rules are changed later this month, the Department for Transport (DfT) has announced. The Government said the measure would be paid for through increased train ridership, with more people being able to access the discounted fares thus enhancing the overcrowding experience.


The rail minister claimed this, ‘common sense change is exactly what passengers should expect from the railway. Its unfair that 18 year olds cannot experience overcrowded services at the same price as 17 year olds. Under this new vote winning policy, they get to experience cost effective overcrowding themselves whilst performing a civic service to help make things worse for other passengers.


'As we move towards nationalisation of our railways, younger people really do need to experience at first hand the poor services endured by passengers when trains were last in public ownership.’ Amid claims of seat reservations being able to fix the problem, a spokesman for one rail operator said, ‘Customers already think we sell two tickets for every available seat. That is categorically wrong – we sell three tickets per seat and sometimes more on peak services.


'We are proud of our completely ineffective seat reservation enforcement system. This means that any passenger can sit in any seat regardless of whether they have reserved it or not. Under this new policy, the increased number of students and their luggage will give us further excuses for our train managers to be unable to travel along the train to keep everything in order’.


A London based operator said, ‘The seats on our flagship fleet of Class 700 trains are so uncomfortable that passengers prefer to stand. We are currently thinking of taking out seats altogether which will instantly solve any overcrowding issues on our trains.’


A student representative said, ‘This will save 18 year old students around £175. With interest payments on student loans equating to up to £10 a day, this will pay for 18 days interest’. For context, 18 days is how long it can take to get from Liverpool to Leeds by train.'


Not everyone is happy though. Low cost airlines are outraged with one saying, ‘British trains are the most expensive in Europe meaning only well off individuals can afford to use them. Everyone else is forced to travel by air. This subsidy will make rail travel affordable for 18 year olds which will have a direct impact on our business’.





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The protest group Just Stop Fun is launching a new summer campaign against Big Oil. After disrupting all the adult sporting events this summer, the focus of protests is now switching to kids activities in the school holidays.


Colin Snide (not his real name) is a spokesmouth for Just Stop Fun. He told me that the group would be targeting children’s playgrounds, chaining up roundabouts, padlocking swing chains and putting very sticky stuff on slides so that they don’t work. ‘Our kids,’ he says, ‘will be seriously affected by climate change, so we want to use pester power to get home our message to Just Stop Big Oil. We know that their tears and screams will send a strong message to deadbeat parents who are addicted to fossil fuels and non-recyclable take-away tubs. The kids know that, deep down, we are on their side and that we are not just dismal old fun-sponges with no sense of proportion.’


A campaign of targeted interventions over the summer is planned at theme parks and seaside attractions. Planned stunts will include:


• sedating seaside donkeys so that they can’t give rides

• putting fish entrails in the splashdown at the big dipper, so that everyone smells really bad for the rest of the day

• concreting in most of the holes at crazy golf courses (not the one with the little windmill, obviously)

• putting nutella into ball ponds at pubs and play areas so that parents are freaked out when their kids emerge covered in brown sticky stuff

• using Mr Whippy vans to serve entirely liquid ice creams, to illustrate the impact of climate change


Colin says ‘for six weeks we are going to relax, kick back and do something a bit different. Once the kids are safely back at school we will get back to buggering up buses, trains, traffic and sporting events. So enjoy the summer break!’



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First published 24 Jul 2023


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People driven to despair by the cost-of-living crisis are being advised to find ways of topping themselves that don’t involve a high-speed locomotive.


With trains stuck in depots and platforms silent, Britain’s potential suicides could face a long and weary wait in sweltering temperatures before cashing in their chips in front of the 6.57 service from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour, ministers have warned.


Meanwhile, gas ovens, high bridges, and faulty electrical work are all being touted by officials as more reliable means of leaving your worries behind and moving on to a higher plane of existence.


A spokesman from the Department for Transport, allegedly being run by someone using the name Grant Shapps, said, 'The British are innovative people. We have absolute trust in the mortally depressed to do the right thing after writing a considerate note to their nearest and dearest about why they couldn’t carry on.


'The traditional method seems to be pills, but my sources inform me the motorways are open as usual and, if anything, they’re actually busier than normal.


'How does rush hour Friday sound?'


'This isn’t a cry for help because I know I won’t get any,' insisted suicide contender, Frank Jeffers. 'I’m just hoping for a better world, one in which I’m reunited with the relatives I’ve lost to this government’s incompetence and where my gas bills are taken care of by a benign being of light.'


He added, 'Like Mick Lynch in a long flowing robe.'



First published 28 Jun 2022


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