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Net migration number of 204,000 was the same man

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The government has admitted that the net migration figures are due to the same man arriving, leaving and returning, usually by small boat, sometimes on a trawler, occasionally on a barge, never by P & O as they only use third world labour at slave rates and although an illegal migrant he has his principles.


Apparently the furore earlier this year regarding a migrant deported who turned back up again twenty-four hours later wasn't an isolated case.  It was the same guy U-turning in the Channel more frequently than Rachel Reeves' budget.


To complicate matters, the man in question is from Barnsley and has been attempting to get in the Guinness Book of Records.  So far he's only achieved an entry in Ripleys Believe It Or Not annual, as nobody can believe anyone wants to come here that bad, even if they are a UK citizen.




Government to reintroduce Trial by Combat

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The government is denying it is pandering to Reform voters by overhauling the Criminal Justice system by eliminating the majority of Jury trials.  'Democracy and the Magna Carta is so yesteryear,' said a government spokesman today.


The new system will see less serious trials decided by 'Ips Dips Sky Blue', previously known as the Magistrates court but with the randomness of lay judges removed and replaced by Civil Servants with a top hat and names written on scraps of paper.  Straws might be used as well.  More serious crimes will be utilising Trial by Combat, with the survivor walking free.  'It'll save a shed load in jail spaces,' noted the spokesman, who suggested that white collar criminals should consider going to the gym before hacking their corporate IT systems.


Jury trials will be retained for more serious crimes where important people will need a way of avoiding justice.  For very serious crimes, to ensure nobody is penalised whatsoever, the public enquiry system will be maintained.  Much to the relief of corrupt politicians, fast-track PPE company owners, Post Office officials and refurbishers of tower blocks.




Plan to award medals for going to work


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After successive admirations made it impossible to educate children with innate vocational skills to get on in life, other than to join the armed forces and be shouted and shot at, the government is wondering whether a scheme to entice youngsters to get off their arses and get a medal for everyday they turn up to work, will be advantageous to the economy.


The scheme is based on observations youngsters with excellent academic abilities who did well at school, went to university and left with decent degrees, took jobs in MacDonald's, earning promotion through stars they gained; and among those who managed to survive an entire day, are now candidates to become the next BBC Director General.


Photo by Yang Plasticine on Unsplash


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