top of page
Search

Toddler savaged by government watchdog



There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a government watchdog that had been left free to roam in a London Park.


The toddler, who hasn't been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored almost to the point of death by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.


The mite was also badly mauled in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so pissed on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn't know if they wanted a shit or haircut.


The child's mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night. "It's every parent's worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.


'We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there's just no way now. She's so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.'




First published 30 Dec 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
















Government makes DAB Day a Bank Holiday



DAB Day - the day after Boxing Day - is to be made a bank holiday, the Government has announced.


'For decades British voters - er - people have struggled to articulate what they intend to do on December the 27th, mainly because by December the 26th they have completely and utterly lost track of what day of the week it is,' said a government spokesman. 'Good luck with this year, with Christmas straddling the weekend - I think,' he added.


Economists have calculated that making DAB Day a bank holiday will cost the economy the square root of f@ck all as shops will be open as usual regardless, Amazon will be delivering, and people who work in jobs that aren't covered by those two parts of retail won't be in a fit state to walk, let alone drive, to work anyway.


The Scottish Parliament has declared the concept of DAB Day to be ludicrous, but have declared DADAB Day - day after the day after Boxing day as a second new bank holiday only to be observed in Scotland anyway.




First published 18 Dec 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















bottom of page