Man tastelessly watches World Cup and Wimbledon at the same time

After a hard day at work recycling his emails. Brad, 37, from Berkshire, hits the sofa just before 6pm and tastelessly watches the World Cup game on his TV, while also following Wimbledon on his phone. Brad defended his behaviour to the press.

‘While some have unfairly described this behaviour as erratic, I want to ensure everyone that I have trained long and hard for this. I have watched many TV series while also simultaneously scrolling through social media, and I never miss a single plot point. I am not recommending this lifestyle to anyone, but for me there is a real thrill in watching an incredible tennis rally while England are passing the ball back and forth between their defenders.’

His wife, Lisa, later clarified her stance on his reckless behaviour. ‘He’s absolutely addicted. He reads our four-year-old child a bedtime story while skimming another book. We do have sex, but only if he can listen to a true-crime podcast at the same time.’

Brad says that he now intends on becoming the first person to ever play football while watching the Premier League on his phone.

Image credit: ChatGPT

Met Office issues bland weather warning

As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations.

'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' explained BBC weather forecaster Tomasz Schafernaker. 'Temperatures are expected to peak at around 16 or 17 degrees centigrade, unusually low for this time of year.'

The Met Office has also declared the weather for the final week of June as the most boring recorded since records began. But when asked to check the earlier records the staff in question responded, 'Can’t this wait, it just feels too dull out there, it’s like there’s a grey sheet over everything, it feels muggy, but also like it might rain, and I feel tired, like I’m coming down with something…'

Image credit: deep dream generator (which clearly doesn't understand thermometers)

God complains about 'mixed messages' in World Cup prayers

Mr A. God has said that contradictory prayers from football supporters are making his life very difficult.

'I'm getting requests for victories from all sides - England, Germany, Senegal, the lot. And some very specific prayers for things like a final score of England 9, DR Congo 1, or for Kane to score in the ninetieth minute. I don't know what that's all about.

'I'm even being asked to help get Scotland back into the last 32. I mean I'm not a miracle worker. No, wait...'

Image credit: NewsBiscuit archive