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    • Filthy Rich
      • 1 day ago
      • 2 min read

    Discovered smuggling teens to R Kelly: 'still not Ghislaine’s fault'




    Panicked defenders of Ghislaine Maxwell have been scrabbling for further laughable excuses for her behaviour, as, despite being incarcerated, evidence has emerged of her returning to her pimping habits faster than Jeffrey Epstein removing a troublesome retainer from the downturned mouth of a dead-eyed thirteen-year-old.


    Within hours of R Kelly beginning his own 30-year sentence trapped in the custodial closet, Miss Maxwell has been charged with grooming underage girls and trafficking them through to the “I believe I can fly in the face of common decency” singer’s cell, allegedly for a little bump ’n’ grind.


    'It’s not her fault she can’t resist powerful, charismatic singers,' bleated a close associate of brother and pension-fund botherer Kevin Maxwell, obstinately deaf to the rest of the world clearly not giving a sh!t. 'It started with their father buying her a Chuck Berry record. Then she discovered Marvin Gaye, and soon it was Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Ted Nugent - I mean, you can’t fault their morals, but it became an addiction. It’s totally their dad’s fault.'


    Believed to have fallen under the spell of Kelly, whose sickening offences are matched only by his horrific crimes against music, the disgraced heiress and defender of the sisterhood used a tunnel to smuggle the girls through to his cell, which she is accused of having scraped out in under 24 hours using only a Chanel mascara wand and the stick she’s suspected of having up her ass for the last 60 years.


    'The single mindedness with which she dug through to Kelly’s cell is terrifying, but you’ve got to admire the impressive work-rate,' said a prison guard. 'It could have remained undiscovered, but luckily she chose to cover the aperture with a lipstick-stained poster of Bill Wyman, which did raise something of a red flag.'

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    • Wrenfoe
      • May 25
      • 1 min read

    Sue Gray concludes: It's not a party without a conga line





    The investigation proved that it was impossible to have a party without streamers and at least one girl crying on a staircase, mumbling something about all men are bastards. 'The gatherings that the PM and Keir Starmer attended were in no way parties. Mainly because no self respecting party would invite those two.


    'For it to be considered a halfway decent party, there needs to be jelly and tequila shots. No one sung 'My Way'. And not one person chundered in the Downing Street shrubbery.


    'The only feature that this has in common with a normal party, is that no one can remember any of the details'.


    Image:Pixabay/ktphotography

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