"Birthday party in Qatar Towers was rubbish" declares six-year-old

Darren Stokes blubbed "my friend asked me round to his World-Cup football themed party. He said it was going to be great. But when we got there his dad spoiled everything. The bouncy castle hadn't been set up because his dad said we might see some girl's knickers when they fell over. Then, there was no pop just water, because we might get a sugar rush from it. There were no sausage rolls for some reason. And he made us stay in a shed for the sleep-over

"We were allowed to play football but only if we used a migrant worker's head for the ball. I suppose the best part is that we got to play pass the parcel. We all got to win and the parcels were stuffed with money. Apparently, they call that a Sepp in his family".

Image: Pixabay/reviewestate

Newsbiscuit generously opens borders to flood of Twitterian migrants

With the worsening situation in Twitteria catching the public eye, reports indicate tens of hundreds of thousands of millions of inhabitants of Twitteria are heading for the borders. They are seeking safe passage and a warm welcome - or a safe welcome and a warm passage - on other social sites where their acknowledged literary skills may help raise the standards of satire, debate and humour. One of the sites that has welcomed the potential influx is People's Republic of Newsbiscuitonia.

"I'll be honest," said a long time Biscuiteer, "we've never managed to reach the levels of cat photos. How do they do that in Twitteria? I'd love it if some of their top wits could work alongside us and impart their skills and knowledge."

One Twitterian, looking across the border at Newsbiscuitonia, wasn't so sure. "Don't they have emojis? Ewww, how primitive. Or maybe they just don't know how to use them? And as for arguments and rage, there only seems to be one subject they argue about - solar flannels or something? They do seem a really sleepy idle lot. I mean, it's like, a thread in Newsbiscuit lasts maybe, 6 messages, and then dies, right? Where's all the thousands of reposts and insults and likes and shares? And Y do they spel stuf out in ful 2 xplain things? I think a few good Twitterians could take this place in minutes. We'd swamp it."

Negotiations between the Twitterian ambassador and the Newsbiscuitonian Home Secretary (NHS) have progressed to a stage where the NHS explained, "We need these migrant workers to keep our staffing levels up. Many of our existing members are increasingly elderly, frail and demented.

'"An influx of healthy, vibrant, young blood is what we all need. Especially at this time of year. There will be extra demand on A&E (Amusement & Euphemism) units in the run-up to Christmas. We don't want to keep re-cycling the same old crackers jokes. We're sure these wonderful, elegant, subtle creatures from Twitteria could be just the yeast our doughy old mix needs. Or kneads. That's a joke! Ha-Ha! You see, it's working already!"

Image: Pixabay/MikeRenPening

MrBeast passes PewDiePie as name likely to confuse your Gran

Having attracted 112 million subscribers and none of them over the age of 14, MrBeast has become a YouTube sensation and a complete non-entity on Bingo night. Observed one tech expert: 'He has better brand recognition with children than Santa. And is twice as likely to give you an iPhone.'

Having had the phenomenon explained to him slowly, one geriatric remarked: 'He's famous for counting to 100,000? Wtf - was it a dementia challenge?'

Aaron (7) said: 'Come on Nan, PewDiePie! You know PewDiePie. PewDiePie'. Nan replied: 'Are you having a stroke???'

Image: Pixabay/StockSnap