TV crime suspect tricked again into saying something other than 'no comment'

A suspect in a TV crime drama has once again capitulated from his initial stance of responding to every question with a smarmy 'no comment' and has admitted to a range of offences under mild questioning.

The incident, thought to be the 3,625th of its kind this year, happened nearly two thirds of the way through an episode of Vera, with experts noting that it seemed to follow the same pattern as every other interrogation scheme in every sodding Detective show.

'These cases all seem to follow a similar timeline. Its the speed of the capitulation by fellow cons that is a worry here', noted Mickey 'Mad Mike' McBride, head of Grifting at Crooks R Us.

'Always the same. A couple of confident 'no comments' to a direct accusation from a know-it-all TV detective, delivered with a wry smile, arms folded, with a casual lean back in the chair.', continued McBride. 'Usually accompanied by some supportive nods and note taking from their brief.'

'But then, there's a follow up question suggesting the cop has some new piece of evidence, or that they can negotiate some time for the suspect to talk with their estranged wife and son, and bang, they just totally spill the beans', noted McBride.

McBride has called for a radical overhaul of police-suspect dialogue, with TV crime suspects expected to deliver at least 20 'no comments' before giving in, preferably alongside some sarcastic slow handclaps at the wacky but actually correct theories of the detective.

Image: Pixabay/10634669

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OAP categories added to Oscars

In recognition of the fact that old people's taste in film may differ from younger filmgoers, the Academy has decided to introduce several Oscars to be voted for exclusively by their OAP members.

The special awards, sponsored jointly by Saga Holidays and Tena incontinence pads, have already attracted a great deal of interest. Speculation is rife that the Best OAP Film will go to "You know, it's got that actor you like in it", with "The one with that woman who was in that other thing" coming a close second.

"He was in that film with that woman" is making a strong showing for Best OAP Actor, with Best OAP Actress likely to go to "Sorry, were you talking to me?" Suggestions to combine the two with a gender-neutral category were sent away with a flea in their ear, and mutterings about "That's not how we won the war..."

It's thought that winning actors and directors will honour the category not only by not preparing acceptance speeches, but by going on stage and forgetting what they went there for.

Image: Pixabay/analogicus

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Impartial Ian Botham brought in to host Match Of The Day

Integrity. Back bone. Balance. Just some of the things which have gone missing at the BBC.

Impartial Tory Party donors running Perverted Uncle Beeb have hit back just the once, not unlike Stanley Johnson. 'All BBC staff must remain completely impartial. The viewing public must be reassured that there is no political bias in anything they say or do. Employees should take a leaf out of Alan Sugar's toilet roll. Or the late, great Conservative campaigner Jimmy Savile.

'We have ourselves taken the only right decision, benching Gary Lineker for his disgraceful lefty liberal wokerati pinko bitch imbalance. It is not the job of anyone at the BBC to criticise this government. To that end, the very impartial Ian Botham will be brought in to host Match Of The Day this weekend. Ultimately, we think that the completely impartial Andrew Neil is the right man for the job. The show will be renamed Thatch Of The Day. And that's nothing to do with his hair.

'Ultimate bastion of impartiality, Nigel Farage will host Playschool, and the always balanced Jacob Rees-Mogg will do the news.'

Other Match Of The Day presenters have stood in solidarity with Gary Lineker, walking off the show. A colleague with more bias towards Newcastle than Lineker has towards crisps said, 'The only mistake Gary made was comparing government policy to Germany in the 1930s. He should have compared it to Russia in the 2020s.'

If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article, please contact NewsBiscuit and we will give all of you at the BBC your own voice to speak out against the tyranny of your far-right overlords.

Image: Pixabay/bigblackbobber

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