‘What Would Liam Neeson Do?’ wristbands causing havoc

Police forces across the UK are on high alert after a shipment of WWLND wristbands, intended for the USA, was blown off course and dumped Blackpool.

‘Americans are better suited to Liam Neeson’s way of life,' a police spokesman told us. ‘They’re already armed, and they kill one another anyway. A typical Liam Neeson plot is just a normal schoolday over there. The British male spends his time mowing the lawn, drinking tea and tutting. He just isn’t ready.'

Sandra (37) bought one of the wristbands for her husband, Trevor. ‘He really likes that film, the one where his daughter looks about 30, but she’s a virgin and she gets abducted, but stays a virgin because she looks about 30. Liam Neeson tells the bad guy that he has 'a particular set of skills which make him a nightmare for people like you'. That’s what Trevor said to the postman before punching him in the throat. He’s never done anything like that before.'

A librarian in Carlisle summarily executed a teen doing wheelies on his electric bike, an accountant in Stroud garrotted a litterbug, and a project manager in Walsall was last seen stuffing Gantt charts into the mouth of his recently deceased sales director before escaping in a stolen Toyota Prius. Police say they’re concerned that somebody they give a shit about might get hurt if the Neesonesque violence continues.

In an alarming twist, Keir Starmer has been spotted wearing one of the wristbands. He was heading towards Downing Street, muttering something about ‘Andy bloody Burnham’ and improvising a weapon from a sharpened calculator.

Image credit: ChatGPT

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What next for Keir after Parliament?

Keir Starmer's leaving present

As Keir Starmer returns to the back benches, his colleagues in Number 10 have had a whip round for a leaving present.

‘He is difficult to buy for,’ said a twelve-year-old  policy wonk. ‘He’s got all the suits and spectacles that he needs.  He’s not really the type to wear an Arsenal shirt, not even in bed.  He doesn’t seem to enjoy very much at all.

‘Our first thought was to get him an Amazon voucher, but he couldn’t be seen to support Bezos.  Our second idea was a whisky dispenser, but the optics of that didn’t look good.

‘So we finally settled on buying him a bench.  We thought that he could use it in his garden, and he can choose whether to call it the front bench or the back bench.  It could be useful for him to have a little joke to lighten the mood if people visit.

‘The bench represents thoughtfulness, reflection, and repose.  And it represents transparency, because you can see through the slats.  And it’s not going anywhere.  And all his parliamentary colleagues can come and sit on the bench, in much the same way that they all sat on Keir.  Oh, and the bench also reflects the fact that we didn’t have very much to spend. We’ll sort out the full funding package at the next budget. 

'Andy hasn’t chipped in, by the way. Northerners, eh?’

Image credit: deep dream generator (edited)