Andy Burnham's cunning plan

Andy Burnham is undecided whether to become leader of the New Labour Party, the Alternative Labour Party, the Official Labour Party, the Special Labour Party, the Original Labour Party, the National Labour Party, Your Labour Party, the Reformed Labour Party, the Restructured Labour Party, the Re-Configured Labour Party, the Resurrected Labour Party, Not-The-Conservative Labour Party, the Liberal-Labour-Democrat Party or the Real Labour Party.

In response, Sir Keir Starmer issued a statement 'My position on the question of my leadership - and let me be absolutely clear about this - is that there is no question or uncertainty about any doubts there may or may not be about any possibility, now or at any time in the future, that waffle drone something-or-other mumble mumble it's-all-the-fault-of-the-Tories more waffle clear-way-forward mumble mumble path to a brighter future waffle drone.'

(Our correspondent is not entirely confident of the accuracy of his report of the latter part of Sir Keir's statement since he thinks he may have fallen asleep, but he can't really remember whether he actually did or not.)

Starmer most hated PM? Hold my pint, says Streeting

Rumours of a leadership bid, have been triggered by Starmer being less popular than Prince Andrew at a Nativity Play. Wes Streeting is touted as a natural replacement as someone we can universally despise. He has all the charm of a puff adder and the ethics of...well...a puff adder.

Embarrassingly Starmer chose to quell rumours of a challenge, by announcing rumours of a challenge using a megaphone. The first example of a political career accessing assisted suicide.

Streeting did the media rounds with popular ideas - a new series of Mrs Brown's Boys, talking during movies and bringing back Windows Vista. He boasted if he became PM slow WiFi would be standard and the word "literally" would be literally misused literally every day. Literally.

Image: kirill_makes_pics - Pixabay

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