Starmer: 'We cannot afford to clap for nurses'

With the threat of strike action, politicians have made it clear that nurses will not get a rise in applause or other meaningless gestures. 'If anything, nurses are overpaid in claps and should settle for a firm handshake instead.'

Starmer made it clear that he would end migrant nurses stealing our native claps. But he insisted that there were no extra claps to give, not since the last season of Mrs Brown's Boys.

Nurses using food banks, are now forced to visit zoos to search for left over claps at the seal enclosures. By contrast Premier footballers earn ten of thousands of claps everytime they walk on the pitch.

Said one nurse: 'All of my claps are second hand now. I'm surviving on a 50% reduction. It's literally the sound of one hand clapping.'

Image: Pixabay/pavstern

Starmer & Sunak rush to complete poppy side-quest

In order to unlock the PM2025 skin, players of democracy need to complete a series of arbitrary tasks, each more pointless than the next. The primary quest-giver is Rupert Murdoch, who will send the adventurers on a journey into the bowels of his bowels.

Although it has no direct bearing of the main quest of saving the UK, by collecting 1000 poppies a politician can get themselves 10 Daily Mail stars. These stars can be traded in for a variety of racist powers, such as the dogwhistle, the white hood and the top tier 'rivers of blood' spell.

Said one wannabee PM: 'It can feel like a grind but I've been collecting poppies since October. And the one who gets the most gets to have all the wars they want.'

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Image: Pixabay/susannp4

Starmer complains partial eclipse 'doesn't go far enough'

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