Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Aries

You will get a big birthday surprise this month. Let’s just say that a Supermax prison isn’t the safest place in the world.

Taurus

You better wake up and smell the coffee, you punkass bitch, or someone’s gonna put a cap in your ass.

Gemini

You think that you’re the capo di tuttu capo in this territory, Donnie, but your craziness is affecting business with other outfits. Time to consider putting your feet up, let the kids run the show. Improve your golf handicap.

Cancer

You may be put under pressure to squeal to the pigs. Bad idea. You don’t want to be part of the next building project. If you get my meaning.

Leo

You will be invited to join an outfit in the garbage business. Remember, this will be a lifetime commitment; and they don’t have a pension play. You may not really have a choice.

Virgo

Micky ‘the Dancer’ thought he would be safe in Witness Protection. He wasn’t. No-one looks good with a Colombian necktie. Kapish?

Libra

It is your capo’s birthday this month. Be sure to give him a generous tribute. You know it make sense.

Scorpio

It is considered bad form to discuss the family business with outsiders. Omertà is the order of the day. Just ask ‘one hand’ Joey.

Sagittarius

A Russian firm will start muscling in on your patch. It’s going to get nasty. Put it this way: there won't be any open coffin funerals in the foreseeable future.

Capricorn

You will feature in a TV documentary series in the future: Gruesome Unsolved Murders.

Aquarius

Your capo has noticed that you have been doing some work ‘off the record’ for another family. Fence jumpers are scum. Be prepared to get a workout. Your new nickname will be ‘hopalong’

Pisces

A lifejacket ain't bullet-proof. Tonight you sleep with the fishes