Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir.

'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking.

'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose.

'That's how I have been able to spend the past two years boring Britain's problems into submission. Rachel from Accounts has given me wonderful assistance in her turgid, uninspired approach to running government finances.

'Your great fear should be that any new leader will come in with a racket and stir all these problems up again, just when they were thinking of wandering off and troubling some other nation, instead.'