Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded:
‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and assorted comestibles. Please note that Coach A is designated a quiet coach. Please refrain from taking phone calls or making loud rustling sounds...’ (trivia continues for several hours).
Mr Jones declined his rest break and continued talking until the service turned around for the return journey. It is understood that he hopes to be ‘discovered’ by a radio station, possibly Radio 2, where he can continue waffling into a microphone instead of playing music.
We asked Avanti for comment, but they were too busy counting their money.
Image credit: Imgsearch.com
'It's the best Christmas gift ever!' cried Sharon from Uttoxeter, brandishing a dinky bottle of Babycham in the middle of London's Trafalgar Square, which was packed with people rejoicing at Keir Starmer's sudden escape from the UK.
''I've been keeping this bottle specially for the occasion,' giggled Sharon.
'For six months solid, the Starmerist regime has been boring us all to tears. It's been torture. Now, at last, life might get remotely interesting.'
Sir Keir was last seen at Gatwick airport on Saturday night, buying non-alcoholic grape juice from Duty Free before catching an Easyjet flight to Brussels. At one point, his plane disappeared from the radar screens and was thought to have crashed, but it turned out the radars considered the flight too tedious to follow.
'Belgium has always been a haven for very insipid people,' said Piers Nondescript, a researcher at the Institute for the Crushingly Dull. 'Sir Keir will fit right in to life there, regulating paperclips or the like.'
Starmer's position as the brutally bland head of Britain's government started looking rocky after two massively uninteresting political scandals - one involving someone buying him a new pair of spectacles and the other about one of his ministers pretending to lose a phone.
'I think this drove people to the brink,' continued Dr Nondescript. 'After Brexit, Boris and Truss they'd got used to a rich diet of chaos and total failure. They just couldn't stand any more of Starmer's unrelenting tedium.'
'You look at things in Syria,' screeched Sharon, spilling most of her sickly-sweet sparkling pear drink down her blouse, "and you think nothing that exciting could ever happen in Britain.
'But now it has! The pound could crash and the FTSE could go to zero because of all the political turmoil, but I don't care. We're free of the grey mildew of Starmer's rule!'
Sterling fell by eighty cents against the dollar on news that Angela Rayner might take over as PM.