'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir.
'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking.
'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose.
'That's how I have been able to spend the past two years boring Britain's problems into submission. Rachel from Accounts has given me wonderful assistance in her turgid, uninspired approach to running government finances.
'Your great fear should be that any new leader will come in with a racket and stir all these problems up again, just when they were thinking of wandering off and troubling some other nation, instead.'
SEOUL — KIA has today unveiled its most cautious vehicle to date: The Starmer. Designed for the driver who wants to project an image of "Sensible Competence" while going in circles, the car is already being hailed as a breakthrough in indecisive engineering.
"The Starmer is the first vehicle to be powered by High-Octane Drivel," said a KIA spokesperson. "It’s 100% ecological because it never stays in one lane long enough to create a carbon footprint."
Auditory Experience: Rather than a traditional engine note, the Starmer features a Nasal Monotone Acoustic System (NMAS). The car emits a persistent, slightly whiny drone that is statistically proven to drain the will to live of any pedestrian within a 400-yard radius. The horn has been replaced by a recording of the car saying, "Look, let's be sensible here," in a tone that makes you want to drive directly into a canal.
Focus-Group GPS: You enter your destination, and the car immediately launches a 48-hour public consultation. If 51% of the population decides you should actually be going to a garden centre in Milton Keynes, the doors lock and the car takes you there while playing a podcast about "The Settled Will of the People."
Left-Indicator Delete: The left indicator has been removed entirely. If a driver inadvertently pushes the stalk that way, the car plays a 40-minute disclaimer about the "black hole" in the public finances before automatically nudging the vehicle back toward the centre-right.
Pensioner-Sensor: The cabin is equipped with high-sensitivity thermal imaging and age-detection sensors. If the car detects an elderly relative has entered the vehicle, the heating system automatically deactivates.
Eligibility Override: To reactivate the warmth, the passenger must scan a valid Pension Credit certificate into the glovebox. "We cannot have a situation where the cabin is heated universally regardless of need," noted a KIA engineer. "If Grandma wants the blowers on, she’ll need to prove she’s in the bottom 10% of the household income bracket, otherwise, she can just 'put a jumper on' for the sake of the economy."
U-Turn Assist: Using patented 'Flip-Flop' technology, the car can perform a complete 180-degree turn the moment it encounters a difficult question or a headline in the Daily Mail.
Also includes ‘Maths Teacher’ Interior featuring seats covered in 'Graph Paper Tweed' with integrated elbow patches.
Every model comes in ‘Fiscal Grey’ and includes a rear window sticker that reads: “My Dad was a Toolmaker (and I’ve managed to outsource his job to a consultancy firm in Zurich)”