Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir.

'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking.

'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose.

'That's how I have been able to spend the past two years boring Britain's problems into submission. Rachel from Accounts has given me wonderful assistance in her turgid, uninspired approach to running government finances.

'Your great fear should be that any new leader will come in with a racket and stir all these problems up again, just when they were thinking of wandering off and troubling some other nation, instead.'

'Apex predator Streeting can smell blood in the water'

'Outside pissing in' and 'inside pissing out' both unacceptable, confirm tents

Tents everywhere have confirmed that people being outside pissing into them, and inside them pissing out, are both really not very good outcomes for them at all. 

'With speculation about potential challenges to Keir Starmer's leadership of the Labour Party over the last few days, people keep asking: 'is it better to be outside the tent pissing in, or inside the tent pissing out?', said a light-blue and grey 6-berth Berghaus tent from its regular storage place in its owner's loft.

'Well, let me tell you, both are f*%king unacceptable,' shouted the Berghaus tent angrily.   

'Have you ANY idea what it feels like to have a stream of warm, cidery-smelling urine cascading onto you at 3 in the morning, when someone cannot be arsed to go the toilet block?', continued the indignant Berghaus tent.

'Getting splashback on your inner or outer canvas are just as bad as each other, I have to be honest. It's still piss. It takes ages to dry, and the long-term staining is undignified and demeaning for any tent. 

'From a practical point of view, I have to raise a genuine question', concluded the Berghaus. 'Andy Burnham or Wes Streeting? Okay, unpleasant as it is, I can visualise them both pissing inwards, slightly left-of- centre or right-of-centre, probably while they robotically recite pledges about what they'd do better than Starmer when they're leader.'  

'But what about Angela Rayner? Is she outside, or inside the tent? And how exactly is she going to direct her harder-left stream of urine outwards or inwards? Maybe she'll be perched on a ladder or something?

'And if Keir Starmer were to stand himself, presumably, he'd just piss all over himself.' 

Image credit: Wix AI