Updated: Jun 5
Following a YouGov poll showing that the majority of over-50's supported the reintroduction of National Service, the government has made the decision to reintroduce the form of conscription last seen in 1960.
"As the Prime Minister said yesterday, defence has changed in the past few years," said Admiral Insurance, head of recruitment for the Ministry of Defence. "When we've looked at jobs in the modern armed services, age is actually an advantage rather than a detriment. The over 50's are the only demographic to have a great deal of at-sea experience thanks to their predilection for Cruise Holidays; all we have to do is ensure there's a shuffleboard deck and we'll have filled the Royal Navy and Auxiliary."
Passing over to his deputy, Commodore Amiga, the MoD went into further details, telling us, "We've essentially reversed EDI policies and are after White British Men; in particular those who drive White Vans for a living. We believe their ability to find gaps where none rightly exist and their suicidal tendencies on the motorway make them perfect drone pilots for kamikaze missions."
At Clacton's branch of Wetherspoons, reaction to the news was a mixture of shock and horror. "Well, I just wanted to see Nancy-boys crying as they got their pink hair shaved off and a Sergeant-Major yelled at them," said one patron now facing deployment under the new policy. "I thought this generation needed toughening up. The Army wouldn't want me, I fainted watching Full Metal Jacket."
image from pixabay
