Tottenham Hotspur FC, having narrowly managed to remain in the Premier League, are looking for an open-top bus for their “We’re Staying Up” parade through north-west London.

An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets. After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition were surprised to come across a village of tribespeople who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world. However, the village headman Guaraná confirmed that none of them had been at all surprised by the news that...

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'. The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster. He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it. The relationship between...