The Royal Navy is being ridiculed globally following the humiliating news that it has no presence in the Middle East. The Labour government assures us that this is being dealt with as a priority. ‘The reason we don’t have any ships in the Middle East’ explains MOD spokesman, Clive Gobbins ‘is because we honestly thought it was all sand. Lots of sandy bits and rocky bits. We’ve only just realised that it actually has watery bits. But we’re working hard now, to make our presence known.’ Before...

Optometrists Union spokeswoman Julie Piglet said '‘Our demands are very simple – we’re not looking for a pay rise at all. I mean, if they offer us one, we’ll have it – of course we will. But that’s not what this is about. 'For decades – centuries even – opticians have had to wear glasses as part of our schtick. Most of us had perfect eyesight until we became opticians. So our proposal is simple. It’s a like-for-like campaign. We demand, that all dentists must have false teeth, and all doctors...

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