Queen Mother's Mummified Stool Sold For $9 Million

A perfectly preserved stool believed to have been evacuated by Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, during the war, has been sold at Sotheby's auction house in London to a private American buyer for a cool nine million dollars.

The 7-inch, 14-ounce rocket was retrieved from The Queen Mother's toilet at Sandringham House by a royal flunkey who found it nestling on top of the paper in 1941 after she had forgotten to pull the chain.

The servant had the royal turd injected with embalming fluid and had kept it in a display case in his front room until his death last year when it was discovered by council workmen who handed it in to the police.

A spokesperson for the royal household told newsmen: "The Queen would have preferred to have kept her mum's roscoe in Buckingham Palace, but the money will definitely come in handy to put towards the new central heating"

This is not the first time bodily waste from one of the royals has been auctioned off. In 1994, a phial containing 40 millilitres of Prince Philip's piss fetched £9.50 at Cable Street Car Auction in Shadwell, East London, as part of a part-exchange deal for a Honda Civic.

Rich white men in suits still the most deadly thing on the planet

While everyone is considering the pandemic and thinking it's pretty bad, rich white men in suits are still ending more life than everything else put together. So deadly are they, that the population of the planet has been lulled into the normality of thoughtless acceptance.

Quentin von Baumhafffson-Schtillbank III, a man so rich that he owns the global rights to three 'f's in a row, is one example of many. A multi-billionaire who works hard for the wealth he inherited, got up yesterday in the very early mid-afternoon. Following a brief video exchange with his lead tax consultant, it was established that not only has he still never paid any tax in any country in the world, the structure of his wealth means that most national governments are incomprehensibly paying him tax. But apparently not enough.

Quentin von Baumhafffson-Schtillbank III, a widely respected man of little character or mental capacity just decided that he wanted another billion yesterday. Not for anything in particular, just because he felt like it. The monotony of obscene affluence will do that. But he had absolutely no thought for how that would all come about, and did not care one iota. He just told his number two that he wanted it, and Stramboot Finkelvos made it happen - earning himself a nice little multi-million dollar commission on the side.

Although himself not completely aware of all the substructures which 'make things happen', Finkelvos is very well connected all over the world. He put the call out to an army of hedge fund managers, paid insiders at federal reserves, global investment bank owners, senior politicians in pockets, despots, rebel warlords, and a junior shelf-stacker at Tesco. By the end of a frantic day of shorting, debt swaps, currency movements, corporate global buyouts, a raft of personally beneficial legislation changes, a national coup, multiple massacres, and an each-way bet on the 2:45 at Kempton, QB-S III had made $1.3 billion. 326 million people around the world had been plunged into abject poverty, 2.9 million people had died as a direct result, and 400,000 acres of pristine ecosystem had been destroyed, pushing climate crisis recovery further beyond the collective reach of the entire planet.

Quentin von Baumhaffson-Schtillbank III was, for a brief moment, marginally less grumpy because some numbers on a screen made his personal wealth look slightly bigger. Best of all though, no one knows that the planet-wide annihilation was caused by a fleeting change in whim of one extremely distasteful individual. Not even Quentin himself.

Ironically, rich white men in suits who would like another billion for themselves 'just because', are a self-destroying community. The only piffling element up for consideration is whether their pointless self-consuming behaviour is worth the utter destruction of everyone and everything else?

Where were all these ‘experts’ on Afghanistan twenty years ago?

Sociologists have noticed an odd phenomenon, where suddenly there is an influx of people who have never able to spell Afghanistan, but are suddenly ‘experts’ on military tactics, Pashto dialect and the nuances of dealing with at least eight discrete ethnic groups. In fact the combined wisdom of these commentators is deeply impressive, given that only last week they all mistook Disneyland Paris for Kabul.

Said one such genius: ‘Yes, I originally supported the CIA channelling $2 billion worth of arms to support terrorists in the region and to train Osama Bin Laden. But it would take fevered imagination to see some kind of connection between the Mujahideen and the Taliban. For instance, they are spelt completely differently.

‘I can’t see how there is a link between us illegally invading Afghanistan, looting its wealth, installing a puppet regime and the troubles we have today? We’ve rejuvenated the Afghan economy – you only have to look at the way we’ve helped them become an exporter of 90% of all the world’s illicit opium. That’s civilization for you’.

The only ‘expert’ no one seems to have heard from, despite his ability to sound off on every conceivable topic, is Tony Blair. Odd that.