Lifestyle 2/497

Southerners set to receive clogs and whippets

dominic_mcg
Jul 23

Southerners have been horrified to discover that Andy Burnham's 'Northernification' of the UK will include them being forced to wear clogs and breed whippets.

Speaking outside Number 10 Downing Street, Ardwick, M17, the latest Prime Minister told reporters, 'Cappuccinos and lattes are to be replaced with builders' tea and 'foreign muck' is to be replaced by pies.'

London's women over-40 have already been earmarked to receive shawls and clay pipes and the NHS is to remove three of their front teeth completely free over the next 12 months.

Pubs south of Watford will be prevented from selling shandy and lager will be phased out, to be replaced by pints of something dark brown and sticky with bits in it.

Image: WixAI

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An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Scribbles
Jul 22

Dear Valued Customer,

The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.

While some cynics have suggested that we might have prepared for this by investing over the last few decades in repairing our ageing network of leaking pipes, we believe it would be unfair to burden our shareholders with such unnecessary hardship.

Instead, we are asking you to make a few small sacrifices.

To help us through this difficult time, we are asking you to use less water. Please refrain from drinking water, watering your garden, washing your car, filling paddling pools (or allowing children to experience happiness in any liquid form), taking baths, enjoying showers that last long enough to question your life choices, or generally behaving as though water belongs to the people paying for it.

Every little helps. Every litre you save is a litre that can leak gently into the ground through our ancient Victorian pipework, preserving a tradition we hold dear. Likewise, reducing your water usage helps ensure we have sufficient capacity to continue our occasional programme of releasing untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters whenever our infrastructure becomes overwhelmed by such unexpected events as... rain.

Please remember, by taking a two-minute shower instead of a ten-minute one, you will be helping us preserve enough water to continue losing approximately a quarter of it before it reaches your home, and bring us one step closer to another reassuringly strong annual financial performance.

Some customers have asked why, after reporting billions in profits, we did not invest more heavily in modernising the network. Unfortunately, those funds had already been earmarked for important infrastructure projects, such as executive bonuses and shareholder dividends. However, we welcome your comments, and we have carefully filed them in the same place as our long-term infrastructure investment plans.

You may also have concerns about our occasional release of untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters. We'd like to stress that these are not sewage spills - they are surprise biodiversity initiatives. Please don't think of them as pollution - think of them as bringing the countryside to the seaside.

Together, we can weather this crisis - provided you do all the work.

Finally, we'd like to thank you for paying some of the highest water bills in Europe. Without your continued support, we simply could not continue to operate exactly as we have been.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,

Your Local Water Company

P.S. We are delighted to announce that, thanks to your continued restraint, we remain committed to delivering excellent value to those who matter most to us. No, not you.

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Fire Brigade called to release family trapped in Escher exhibition

rogt
Jul 19

The emergency services were called to the Escher exhibition at Somerset House on London’s Embankment this week to free a family from Guilford who had become trapped in the staircase leading from the ground-floor up to what they thought was the first floor, only it turned out to be the ground-floor again which led – how can it? – back down but also up to the ground-floor again where they found themselves going down and also up – again! – to the basement? oh this is hopeless, Mum needs the toilet and God knows which floor that’s on, and the football’s on later if we ever get out of this wretched place….

Fire officer Peter Chambers from Shaftesbury Avenue Fire Station said: “When we got there, they’d already been going up and down all morning and were getting quite distressed. We call it the Hotel California syndrome. You can check out whenever you want, but you can never leave. Sort of reminds me of shopping at Ikea. That’s where the name comes from, by the way. When you’ve walked through every room in the store you suddenly realise you’ve no ikea how to get out of the place.”

The exhibition runs until 6 September 2026, provided any remaining trapped art lovers can be released.

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