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The Vegetarian Police vow to ‘get serious’ in January

January, the month of misery, when gyms sell 99.95%* of their subscriptions and otherwise literate people pronounce ‘January’ as ‘Veganuary’. Like that’s a word.


The Vegetarian Police have announced a crackdown on ‘backsliding’.


‘Several offences were reported to our Hotline over the festive season’, a spokesveggie told us. ‘Some minor infractions – not checking which fat the chips were cooked in – some pretty serious stuff – claiming fish ‘don’t count’ – and a number of critical incidents involving turkey.


‘We remind all vegetarians that you can’t grow a fish in a pot on the windowsill – so it isn’t a vegetable. If it’s got eyes, it’s out of bounds’.


The Vegetarian Police don’t have the authority to lock people up – that’s restricted to the Vegans – but they can administer some serious tuttings.


Roll on February.



*The other 0.05% are just weird



Hangover cures, 2026 update

Happy New Year. What?? It's the 3rd? Blimey, that was a session.

Don't worry, 2026 can't be as bad as 2025. Can it?


Here is our (belated) list of hangover cures, some traditional and some new...



1. A very large Bloody Mary. Aka just keep drinking. Good luck with that. You will eventually have to face up to reality by, say, next Tuesday.


2. Why not re-read the Labour Party manifesto? That should sober you up pretty quickly. The autumn budget statement also works, as does the Bank of England inflation report, and the Reform Party manifesto.


3. Alka-seltzer. If you think drinking more fizzy stuff is a good idea.


4. Drink bottled water. Not the Perrier stuff with benzene in it, or the Waitrose stuff with glass in it. Or old bottles full of micro plastics. What the hell? Try tap water. What could possibly go wrong.


5. Catch up on Trump's latest mad shit. Five minutes worth should be enough.


6. Eat a full English breakfast. The protein is restorative. The carbs will give you energy. The grease is the kill or cure ingredient. Take precautions before you tuck in.


If none of this works, stay drunk until 2027 when we'll issue an update.



It will snow or go dark in the New Year

The Independent Meteorological Service, AKA Dave's dad, has forecast swathes of snow to cross all the important parts of the UK in the early part of January.  The parts regarded as important almost certainly include parts you might be interested in, or possibly near to parts you might be interested in.


'The snow will be ten units deep,' he said, declining to say if the units are inches or centimetres. It could be Smurfs.  It will travel south from the north, and west from the east although there is some potential variability in these directions - travel north from the south is a possibility.


Temperatures will drop to minus ten degrees, or 474 degrees Rankine for any scientists still working in old absolute money.  Unless the minus ten refers to Fahrenheit, in which case all bets are off and it probably won't even snow.


Snow is the most excitable temperature related weather item known to climate change deniers, with a ten minute snowfall in York being cited as evidence against the argument for Climate Change whereas entire ice masses in the artic melting before our eyes is 'just one of them things', said Dave's dad, urging everyone to ignore the warnings, buy a snow shovel (links below) and to buy Dave a beer next time you see him.


Dave's dad is a journalist (sic) working for the Daily Mail.



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