Clock change raises prospect of PM being sacked before they have been hired

There is concern in the Government that the upcoming British Summertime clock change could result in Prime Ministers being removed from office before they have officially started.

With the 30th October date close to the official new Tory Leadership announcement then any significant delay could cause acute embarrassment. Should the new PM be announced within the hour of the clocks being put back an hour, then if normal service continues and they are sacked around 30 minutes after being announced, they would technically have been dismissed from office before they actually started, a new low for the party's reputation.

"Yes, we know, and we are worried.", a backbencher told reporters today. "It's unlikely: our PMs are lasting a couple of hours currently on average before their support collapses, but the clock change could leave us in the 'Stephen Hawking' position. We're really trying to go for a unity candidate that can make it to just over an hour, then their time in office would at least be measurable."

Meanwhile Jacob-Rees Mogg's department confirmed they were considering the construction of a permanent lectern outside number 10 as the cost of having it continually wheeled out every few hours for the next resignation and then coronation speeches were eating into his government efficiency savings plan. "We said we would lower costs, and here's evidence we are delivering on that promise." said the department today as workman assembled a 'Törry Kayös' flat packed lectern picked up from the nearby IKEA.

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The Borrowers face eviction if interest rates skyrocket

A family of tiny four-inch-high people who live below a clock could lose it if interest rates go through the roof.

With tears in his eyes, Mr Pod Clock, who had just returned from a trip exploring the garden, explained the tragic circumstances.

‘We’ve been happily borrowing for years,’ he said. ‘That’s how we got the old, detached clock to live under a few years ago. I never thought for one minute that the interest rates would shoot up overnight because some brain-dead human bean in Downing Street doesn’t know how to use a calculator. It’s the perfect storm. Thanks to Brexit, exports of my boot buttons have tailed right off, and I can’t seem to get a second job scaling curtains with a hairpin to help pay the mortgage.'

Pod’s wife Homily, a tiny person and tiny housewife, agreed with him. ‘At this rate we’re not going to be able to keep up with our borrowing and we're all worried in case Arrietty starts self harming again.

A spokesman for the Ratcatcher Building Society said they were sympathetic with the family’s plight. However, it was better for all concerned if the small people were crushed underfoot once and for all.

Clock change causes UK economic boom

Changing the clocks has caused the UK to transform into a booming economic juggernaut, with absolutely everyone in the country richer, fitter and happier.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said 'Under the tyrannical jackboot of EU oppression we were never able to arbitrarily change what time it is by an hour, to help farmers maybe? Jacob Rees-Mogg did want to simply declare it was the 1880s, but instead we will now measure time locally by sundial when it's sunny and by pigeon entrails when it isn't. We can now say that all trains are running punctually, as no-one knows for sure that they aren't. And the Sue Gray report will never see daylight.'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst's phone buzzed. He said 'The PM just WhatsApp-ed me to say the only two times that he's interested in are 1) when his next tennis match with a Russian oligarch is and 2) party time.'

Image: OpenClipart-Vectors | Pixabay