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Your mate insisting that England need to adopt ‘high press’



One of your mates is incessantly banging on about the need for the England football team to employ a ‘high press’ tactic without having the slightest idea about what it means, it has been confirmed.



After hearing the phrase mentioned by every sodding commentator, pundit and journalist, your friend is sure that a lack of ‘the press’ is behind England’s lacklustre performances in the Euros so far.



‘We need to employ a higher press for sure against Slovenia’, confirmed your mate just now after hearing Alan Shearer mention it again on TV.. ‘All the best teams do the press thing much better then us. They’re pressing for England’.



‘Rice and Alexander Arnold should be constantly pressing’ continued your mate. ‘24, 7, 365, they need to be on it. Press enter to continue, press here to exit, press the bell to stop the bus. Watching old episodes of Press Gang. Why doesn’t Southgate get it? ’



‘Trent needs one of those Corby trouser things, and Declan should be given a massive orange squeezer or something. I mean, how the hell are we supposed to compete with the Spanish when our guys having even the most basic pressing equipment?’.



‘It’s not just me saying it’, explained your mate. ‘All the journos think we should be using the press more too. There’s definitely pressure from the press about the press’.



It has been confirmed that your mate will continue talking about the press until tonight when he will hear pundits discussing ‘the low block’.



Viewers angry as journalist fails to describe German team as ‘clinical’


An unnamed sports journalist at the BBC is subject to an internal investigation after complaints were received that a description of the German team’s performance against Hungary didn’t include the words, ‘clinical’ or ‘like a machine’.



Viewers watching the game were treated to words like ‘creative’ and ‘inspired’ and the lack of descriptions based on continuously reinforced, fatuous and xenophobic clichés left fans feeling angry and confused. One viewer said “It made me think I was watching the ballet” another said “He clearly knows nothing about football. He should be more like Jason Cundy.” Other viewers were more forthright with one saying “this is just typical of the wokerati deepstate trying to turn our children gay”




With the German team not being described as ‘efficient’ many fans reported that their basic understanding of the universe had been obliterated with some experiencing feelings of being dislocated in space and time and questioning the meaning of their own existence. This has led to more call for the BBC license fee to be cancelled.




It is unclear what caused the journalist at the centre of the investigation to do this, sources at the BBC say bosses are quietly making plans to transfer him to Gardeners Question Time.



Brits can ignore Election coverage thanks to Euros, Wimbledon


A General Election on 4th July means that the Euros (from 14th June) and Wimbledon (joining in from 1st July) will save millions from eye-gougingly tedious General Election build up coverage.


UK sports fans have been pouring beer and/or Pimms over themselves in celebration at missing out on clips of Sunak and Starmer pretending to listen to questions from idiots or failing to perform basic physical labour whilst wearing a hi-vis jacket and hard hat.


Sport scientist Karolina Krychowiak said 'The only thing you have to be careful of is Euros games involving England and Scotland because you may have to endure carefully orchestrated photos of the leaders sitting awkwardly surrounded by cheering sycophants, pretending that they're watching "the footballs", with "some pints" and "their mates" because "they're just like you". ' 


'What a load of balls.'


Picture credit: Wix

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