King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty

Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is.

The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff.

But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom.

A leaked excerpt from the speech reads:

'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, that my governments, over the past few years, have fallen short of the standard expected by the British people. You deserve better. The highest positions of power in the country have been occupied by fools, corrupt chancers, narcissists and foreign agents. And those were the sane ones.'

Keir Starmer is reported to be asking for political asylum in China.

And Donald Trump has posted that he wants to Make England Great Again, or 'MEGA'. But not, he emphasised, by regaining its colonies in America. Maybe by invading Ireland, where they mostly speak English, so it would just be like Russia's special military operation in Ukraine.

Image credit: perchance.org

Bill Gates denies Virus update

According to the Epstein Files, Mr. Gates may have inadvertently got some Malware and Femaleware on his dongle. The billionaire denied using his RAM stick with a Russian interface, but struggled to explain why his joystick was covered in weeping sores.

The accusations have seen Microsoft shares plummet, but antibiotic sales have increased. The Epstein Island has also been referred to as one big Teams Breakout Room. While Mr. Gates wife has divorced him, citing an unwelcome probe request.

An Epstein survivor alleged: ‘He came at me covered in thermal paste. He said he was mounting his rock hard drive, through the backdoor, but I refused to get involved with his sticky fingers and Hotfix.'

Image credit: Wix AI

A dark defection

-There was widespread shock and disbelief today as Satan announced that he was defecting from Hell.

'I know Hades has been the traditional Opposition to Heaven since time immemorial, but I didn’t really believe that our policies went far enough, and it felt like we were never going to get into power,” said the notorious fallen angel.

“Essentially we were just a rag-tag band of outrageous musicians, defrocked priests and ex-TV presenters,' continued the Dark Lord. 'It didn’t feel like we were a serious outfit actually prepared to take over the running of things. The idea of working with Nigel Farage, the Orange Anti-Christ emulator, and disgraced Tories whose sexual deviancy, dishonesty and venal corruption was too much even for the extreme-right of the Conservative Party to tolerate has been quite a temptation for rather a long time – and, as you know, temptation is my stock-in-trade.'

Polishing his trident, and with a glint in his eye, he added, 'But the opportunity to work with Robert Jenrick - the man who ordered the painting over of cartoon murals at a child asylum unit - lest they should make frightened and lonely children feel comforted - was just too good a chance to miss.'

He sat back in his throne and grimaced with satisfaction. 'So Reform felt like a natural – well, preternatural – move for me. Suella Braverman was just the icing on the cake.'

Image credit: perchance.org