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Everybody has forgotten the England manager's name


Just five months after he was appointed as Gareth Whatshisname's successor, it seems nobody can remember the name of the new England football manager.


Fans all over the country are at a loss to name the bloke and not a single fan could pick him out from a line-up, if their life depended on it.


'I think he's called Brian, or Gary, or Terry, or something like that,' one fan told us.


'Have they sacked Venables, then?' another fan queried.


Newsbiscuit contacted the FA for clarification and their spokesperson told us they knew exactly who he was, he was the best and would win trophies, before hastily hanging up the phone.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Southgate to be knighted for services to not winning



The ex-England boss will receive royal recognition for his contribution to the nation’s always losing. Southgate, famed for his civilized waistcoat ways, is said to be neutrally sensible about the knighthood, which comes on the heels of him not being offered a single job since retiring as England manager following yet another near miss.


Southgate joins a limited number of variations of Gary to be christened as knights. It was seen as a condition of West Indies cricketer Gary Sobers reverting to his full name before he was granted the title of Sir Garfield Sobers. ‘But crucially, Sobers was a winner and not English,’ commented an expert on peer-related fastidiousness. ‘If he had been English, his achievements would have counted against him.’


Southgate on the other hand excelled in perennial second placedness, meaning His Majesty’s advisors had a simple task in nominating him for a gong. ‘He speaks well, never upsets anyone, and always loses,’ gushed one admiring ‘Garista’, as Southgate’s many housewife fangirls have come to be known. Some say Southgate should have won formal recognition for his loseriness after losing a retrospectively easy looking World cup semi-final against Croatia in 2018. ‘It was disgusting he didn’t win one then. He was obviously a loser,’ opined another Garista.


Sir Bobby Robson was quickly titled for his contribution to the nation’s vault of ‘heartbreaking’ following England’s epic penalty failure in 1990, and with losers everywhere you look in this country right now, the royal authorities are going to have a hard time keeping up. Hence, there was some relief when Thomas Tuchel was awarded the role of England boss in the autumn.



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