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NewsBiscuit: Best of December 2024


December 2024


In December 2024 everything happened to a backing track of Christmas carols, making them seem ever-so-slightly less awful. In the UK, there was another Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince controversy. This one was about his links with a Chinese spy. But can you list all the Andrew controversies since then? Thought not. The government offered health workers a measly pay increase, compensated LGBT service personnel, but decided (at the time) not to compensate the Waspi women. Planning any more U-turns, Keir? The prison service scandal of the day was about prisoners on early release being mistakenly released too early. How times have changed. And the UK economy continued to stutter. Re...re...re…cession? How times have changed.


In the New Year’s honours list, Sadiq Khan was recognised for services to congestion, and Gareth Southgate got a knighthood for trying really, really hard at the footie, and for always wearing a suit.


In entertainment news, Greg Wallace was deemed too unsavoury for cooking shows, and the BBC went on far too much about the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special.


After overdosing on the US presidential election for all of 2024, the media decided not to report any news from America this month.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from December 2024, selected by popular vote. Thanks to the three people who voted… Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Politics


Stories about Christmas, and Prince Charmless


Sport and Entertainment


Other news


And here are the Headlines...


Politics

Labour brings in Tory cuts

Labour government makes absolute commitment to reduce immigration 'to some extent'

Compo results: LGBT veterans £70k - Waspi women £nil

Waspi women retire hurt

'So Nigel Farage. What first attracted you to the billionaire Elon Musk?'


Entertainment

BBC expected to dial down the Gavin & Stacey stories in February

BBC refuses to comment on 'culture of silence'

Wallace led me around on all fours, says Gromit

Masterchef to remain on air with Wallace's head replaced by deepfake potato


Andrew M-W

Prince Andrew sweating now

Andrew can't even send out for a Chinese now


Organisations

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day

Quitters Anonymous disband during first meeting

Weight Watchers: still big in UK


And finally...

A single cigarette takes £1.30 off your life, say scientists

Single man with bad handwriting is UK's most illegible bachelor

Ruthless bounty hunter tears sweet shop apart

The last two candidates to illustrate auction catalogue have to draw lots

A woman took time off work to have a Brazilian butt lift. Now she’s all behind



Image credit: deep dream generator

Everybody has forgotten the England manager's name

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Just five months after he was appointed as Gareth Whatshisname's successor, it seems nobody can remember the name of the new England football manager.


Fans all over the country are at a loss to name the bloke and not a single fan could pick him out from a line-up, if their life depended on it.


'I think he's called Brian, or Gary, or Terry, or something like that,' one fan told us.


'Have they sacked Venables, then?' another fan queried.


Newsbiscuit contacted the FA for clarification and their spokesperson told us they knew exactly who he was, he was the best and would win trophies, before hastily hanging up the phone.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Southgate to be knighted for services to not winning


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The ex-England boss will receive royal recognition for his contribution to the nation’s always losing. Southgate, famed for his civilized waistcoat ways, is said to be neutrally sensible about the knighthood, which comes on the heels of him not being offered a single job since retiring as England manager following yet another near miss.


Southgate joins a limited number of variations of Gary to be christened as knights. It was seen as a condition of West Indies cricketer Gary Sobers reverting to his full name before he was granted the title of Sir Garfield Sobers. ‘But crucially, Sobers was a winner and not English,’ commented an expert on peer-related fastidiousness. ‘If he had been English, his achievements would have counted against him.’


Southgate on the other hand excelled in perennial second placedness, meaning His Majesty’s advisors had a simple task in nominating him for a gong. ‘He speaks well, never upsets anyone, and always loses,’ gushed one admiring ‘Garista’, as Southgate’s many housewife fangirls have come to be known. Some say Southgate should have won formal recognition for his loseriness after losing a retrospectively easy looking World cup semi-final against Croatia in 2018. ‘It was disgusting he didn’t win one then. He was obviously a loser,’ opined another Garista.


Sir Bobby Robson was quickly titled for his contribution to the nation’s vault of ‘heartbreaking’ following England’s epic penalty failure in 1990, and with losers everywhere you look in this country right now, the royal authorities are going to have a hard time keeping up. Hence, there was some relief when Thomas Tuchel was awarded the role of England boss in the autumn.



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