Unprovoked attack definitely provoked

When dropping bombs on another nation, it is hard to claim surprise when they reciprocate - as it is the military equivalent of hitting a hornets' nest with your peni$. Not so much a circle of violence, more like a clown punching himself in the face.

As the Middle East descends into open war, again...for the fourth time this week, one General complained: 'Their unprovoked attack follows our attack, in relation to their previous unprovoked attack, which followed on from us calling their Mum a $lag.

'There we were, minding our own business - committing war crimes - and BAM we get attacked! Why is everyone so sensitive? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go $hag your Mum. What? What did I say?!?'

Image: cagrikarip - Pixabay

FT reporting Hezbollah shares in sharp decline

The Financial Times has reported that shares in the Middle East arms to rockets conglomerate, Hezbollah Group, have dipped sharply in the past two weeks.

Company communication difficulties hurt it significantly, but the sudden loss of their C.E.O, Hassan Nasrallah, has meant confidence in the organisation is now at an all time low and it is in severe danger of collapse.

A company executive told us, 'Nasrallah’s departure was totally out of the blue. One minute I’m bringing a tray bake in for our usual Falafel Friday lunch and the next minute he’s left the building. It can’t have been easy for him as apparently he was in bits.'

The elimination process of potential successors continues.

Image: Jamie Street (@jamie452) | Unsplash Photo Community

Sausages are actually Keir Starmer’s plan for Middle East peace

A recent speech has suggested that Keir Starmer has got sausages on the brain, but only because he intends to use the humble banger to bring peace to the Middle East.

Surprisingly, Liz Truss announced support for Starmer’s plan, noting that she had opened several pork markets.

Labour intern Jodie Johnstone said 'The plan is to have talks with the Israelis and Palestinians and when it’s lunchtime, Keir will tuck into a big plate of sausages, while they both look at him dumbfounded. "Check out that guy eating pork" one will say. "Not cool" the other will reply. They’ll see they have so much in common that the Nobel Peace Prize is basically guaranteed.'

'Bangers and mash is the real two state solution.'

Ed Miliband reportedly looked at a bacon sandwich, but decided not to risk it.

image from pixabay