Calling Benjamin Netanyahu a c%nt is still fine

While the British government has banned the use of the word uprising, citizens will still be allowed to call the Israeli PM a homicidal maniac. In fact, peace protesters will be encouraged to sing the chant "Who's the wanker in the black?".

A minister defended the draconian law. "Words like rebellion are clearly racist. Empires and colonialists are always the good guys. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to instruct the Death Star to destroy the planet Alderaan."

Wanted for genocide, Mr Netanyahu is no stranger to being called names—like wanted, at large and the accused. With it being illegal to call for resistance, many Palestinians will be encouraged to accept their murder quietly. Free speech advocates said…well nothing really, they were already locked up.

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The heat is on for David Clammy

Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill.

"Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once those young lads had finished their random acts of unmotivated arson, well, that was at least two more gone.

"And who knows where they might strike again? Seriously, if we burn down every home belonging to a Cabinet Minister who'd had a bit of hanky panky or had housed Prince Andrew and Jeffery Epstein – well we'd all be homeless."

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