NASA to prevent Earth colliding with second Trump Presidency

Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'

The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.

'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'

COP26 delegates shocked as Planet Earth says “I don’t need saving."

It’s been the overriding message of COP26 and all previous such gatherings that unless we all act quickly then our planet is doomed. “Not so.” says the Earth after taking to social media to refute any suggestion that it’s in any sort of danger at all.

It describes such talk as typical human hubris. “It’s true mankind might be in imminent danger of extinction, an event that can’t come soon enough as far as I’m concerned, but I shall be here for another few billion years yet. And nothing you smart arses do will change that.”

Asked about the threat of global warming, extreme weather, or nuclear winter, Earth’s response was a matter-of-fact, “Bring it on.” And concluded by saying, “I heard exactly the same thing from the bloody dinosaurs. Oooh no, the end of the world is nigh. I’ll admit that asteroid stung like hell for a few hundred years, but I’m still here, and they’re not.”

Image: Unsplash/The New York Public Library

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Planet Earth to be recycled

The Elders of the universe will be upcycling the Earth into a 'show planet'. Junior Elder Bob Nelly told local news service Galactic Associated Press, 'The humans have nearly finished with the planet. When they've finally destroyed all life on it including themselves, then it will be automatically reclassified as secondhand junk in accordance with universe regulations.'

'The Elders had a council meeting last Thursday, and it was agreed that we can't just have another dead planet hanging around looking very sorry for itself in the cheap end of the galaxy. As is the policy these days, when planets are finished with, we now try to recycle them into something useful. Or at least pretty looking.

'We're very pleased to announce that Earth will get some fancy new silver rings, and a smashing new purple and orange paint job. That's what is in fashion at the moment and we think it will look both very snazzy and quite trendy.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/qimono-1962238/

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