Women have been told to ask for a police officer's warrant card and if possible use a mobile phone to photograph it and send it to a local police station or their MP while being murdered by the policeman. The police have also suggested that while being unlawfully killed women should take a note of the officer's number and jot down any physical characteristics that might later identify him. In related news, it is understood police will also later publish guidance on how to spot undercover...

Although ‘shim shim shakoochy’ and ‘vup vup kecharlie’ were both found to be acceptable new phrases by the Scat Singers' Conference annually held in Chattanooga (booga booga) last week, there were ugly-bugly disagreements over both the provenance and the value of ‘Bruggerly-But’ and it’s assonant counterparts, including ‘Wuggerly-Fut’ and ‘Duggerly-chut’. After the singing of the traditional anthem, King of the Swingers, with Scatters solemnly swearing allegiance to ‘Bomp Bop Arony’ and a...

'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.' Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the...