Geoffrey Hinton, a legendary pioneer of AI, has left Google after being attacked by several office appliances. The final straw came when the lift he was travelling in said ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds. Second floor. Doors closing.’ Hinton announced his resignation in a statement to the New York Times. ‘Back in my day a chatbot was just that – someone talking through their arse. Now I fear we are on the brink of demented reactionary racist trolls taking over the entire...

Angry French protestors have taken to the streets of Bordeaux after the government imposed a rather indifferent pot-au-feu that may have been over seasoned. Cars were set alight and buildings ransacked as furious pensioners demanded a simple but rather delicious confit de canard. A spokesperson said: ‘Macron is forcing Pinot Noir down our throats, and it tastes a bit corked. We've had an œuf.' The French government is asking people to emulate British protestors by staying at home and watching...

The Conservative party has suspended the use of court warrants to force entry into yachts and mansions to fit prepayment meters. An undercover investigation by the Times appears to show a group of senior Tory MPs banging on the door of a Mayfair building before a team of locksmiths and accountants force their way inside. Vladimir Lobamolotov, a single parent oil trader with close ties to the Kremlin, was too frightened to open his door. Once entry had been gained, the accountants connected...