Many European commentators have declared themselves surprised and taken aback when a complete and utter bastard started shooting missiles at nearby buildings. "We always knew Putin was a total slime tosser, but we thought he'd just be one in Syria or some republic we've never heard of, not somewhere they drive the same cars we do," said one. "Yes, he covered half of Salisbury in nerve jelly, but we also figured him for a decent sort who would leave people alone to enjoy their tea. That was,...

An exhausted Boris Johnson is planning to spend a few days holidaying in his Downing Street office, to get some badly needed work-time and recover from the endless cycle of government parties over the past two years. Johnson has been pictured recently, looking drawn and haggard, covered in paper streamers, slumped on a bean bag, holding a plastic cup full of red wine and a half-smoked cigarette. A source said that the Prime Minister needs a short working break to recover from the gruelling...

New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors. 2,700 people sought...