‘NATO is a self-defence organisation and right now NATO needs to defend itself’, a spokesman told NewsBiscuit. ‘As well as rebranding NATO we will award Donald Trump the NATO Medal for Bravery and give him a 5% skim off the top. All nations will need to increase their budgets a little, but at least we won’t be showing Putin our naked arses’. A spokesman for the White House said that 5% was ‘an insult’ and that he knew where NATO’s wife and children lived, so if NATO didn’t fancy coming home...

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A Warrington man has described his sense of bafflement on discovering a complete dearth of chocolate oranges, mince pies, alcoholic drinks and confectionery.