The Jockey Club has taken the unusual step of banning some possible names for racehorses to prevent them battling it out in a future Grand National photo finish. ‘We all know life imitates art’, a spokesman said, ‘and we’re frankly pretty f*cking terrified that one day we’ll hear some overexcited commentator describing AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all racing to the finish. I never want to hear ‘. . . . and it’s Global Warming, Global Warming pushing past AI to . . . no, AI has put on a...

Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service. ‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’. Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective...

Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher. Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?' 'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'. 'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into...