The Office of Budgetary Responsibility is to be renamed the Office of Hypothetical Spending and will devote 100% of its time to costing up Opposition spending plans. ‘It’s all very well saying how you’re going to improve the nation’, a Government spokesman said ‘but where will the money come from? Hmm? Answer me that if you’re so clever’. Labour politicians have denied being ‘clever’ – an insult so potent in Westminster that it’s considered unparliamentary language – but point out that...

Bears have reacted angrily to ITV’s undercover filming which apparently shows prominent members of the community shitting in the woods. ‘We were misled’, one bear said. ‘We thought they shared our interest in woodland activities. They were dressed in bear suits and convinced us they were bears, too. I feel dirty’. The programme, due to air on Sunday evening, has divided the nation. Jerry (36) from Grimsby says: ‘I think we always knew what they did in those places. You just have to go to any...

Dave (56) is a proud patriot. Bald, fat and with a history of domestic violence he loves his country. Recent Ukrainian attacks on Russian data centres have left him tired and dispirited. 'In the good old days I just spent a few minutes here and there replying with ‘crying laughing’ emojis to any woke soyboys. There were always enough educated patriots to provide detailed arguments. After the evil Ukrainian attacks I suddenly found myself outnumbered. I think they must have targeted patriots...