Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service. ‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’. Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective...

Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher. Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?' 'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'. 'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into...

In a moving tribute to their former frontwoman, the abysmal boyband ‘Princes’ will reunite for one last performance. The new frontman is the artist formerly known as Prince (of Wales). Best known for speaking to plants and an emetic line in sexy phone conversation, Charlie doesn’t sing, dance or play a musical instrument, but he’s still, somehow, the band’s most talented member. Andy, the ‘randy’ member of the group, has returned to the fold in a move reminiscent of the final scene of The...