‘The first one was in the 80s’, B told us. ‘She really convinced me she had my best interests at heart and if I just sold some assets I’d be better off. I really regret that now. I’d love to go for a wild swim like I used to, but the turds put me off. ‘The next really bad one was much later. Persuaded me to leave a long-term relationship. Apparently the other party was bad for me. I can see them now, but only for short spells and I can’t live with them like I used to. I really miss the food....

The Jockey Club has taken the unusual step of banning some possible names for racehorses to prevent them battling it out in a future Grand National photo finish. ‘We all know life imitates art’, a spokesman said, ‘and we’re frankly pretty f*cking terrified that one day we’ll hear some overexcited commentator describing AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all racing to the finish. I never want to hear ‘. . . . and it’s Global Warming, Global Warming pushing past AI to . . . no, AI has put on a...

Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service. ‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’. Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective...