Dave (56) is a proud patriot. Bald, fat and with a history of domestic violence he loves his country. Recent Ukrainian attacks on Russian data centres have left him tired and dispirited. 'In the good old days I just spent a few minutes here and there replying with ‘crying laughing’ emojis to any woke soyboys. There were always enough educated patriots to provide detailed arguments. After the evil Ukrainian attacks I suddenly found myself outnumbered. I think they must have targeted patriots...

An underground movement of heroic Britons is finally poised to take on the anti-growth, probably bearded, woke fanatics who are trying to destroy our British way of life with pronouns, improved energy efficiency and vaccines. Bastards. Barry Evans (45) of Wolverhampton is one of the rebels. 'They want us to insulate our lofts, which seems reasonable till you realise it’s the thin end of the wedge. Next they’ll ask us all to hug a baby seal or eat vegan sausage rolls. If I wanted nature I’d...

After a modest success in promoting the phrase ‘Super Intelligence’ as a replacement for Artificial Intelligence, Donald Trump is set to test the sycophancy of his faithful by renaming ‘bread’ as ‘bakey goodness’. ‘They love me like they love Jesus’, Trump might have said. ‘And Jesus tested his disciples by playing dead. I’m not dead. They keep trying but The Donald won’t die. And if he does, he will rise again. From this day forward let us never use the word ‘bread’ again. Let’s call it what...