The global outpouring of love and respect for Dolly Parton has confused many statesmen. Donald Trump has asked aides whether people will say similar things about him when he passes. He’s still waiting for an answer. It's getting tense now. Kim Jong Un felt a natural affinity with the diminutive character with unbelievable hair, but continues to search for her instruments of intimidation. How else can you achieve popularity? Vladimir Putin has ordered an investigation into the Nashville...

Police forces across the UK are on high alert after a shipment of WWLND wristbands, intended for the USA, was blown off course and dumped Blackpool. ‘Americans are better suited to Liam Neeson’s way of life,' a police spokesman told us. ‘They’re already armed, and they kill one another anyway. A typical Liam Neeson plot is just a normal schoolday over there. The British male spends his time mowing the lawn, drinking tea and tutting. He just isn’t ready.' Sandra (37) bought one of the...

Andy Burnham has already transformed people's finances by announcing £2 bus fares and tiny VAT reductions for pubs.