Andrew Tate, better known for losing fights and resembling a startled sperm, has attracted attention from the literary community after filming himself driving a fast car and boasting about never reading books. Britain’s current Poet Laureate, Simon Armitage, has been asked to consider stepping down when it became known that Armitage doesn’t own a supercar or any hoes (we understand this is slang for ‘ladies of a certain disposition’). ‘It’s obvious when you think about it’, a spokesman said....

News that driverless taxis are to be rolled out in the UK from September has met with concern from white van men and bus drivers that they might be the only true misogynists left on our roads. ‘It’s traditional, innit’ said Dave, a white van driver from Essex. ‘As much as I love cheering up the ladies with a cheery comment as I drive past, it won’t be the same if the taxis don’t honk their horns or shout something to, you know, reinforce the message’. AI firms have been training driverless...

Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway. ‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Robert Jenrick....