In a bold move to modernise the Royal Family, plans have been drawn up to turn the entire institution into a data centre.

‘Thirty years ago the LibDems were a proper political party’ said Steve, a Liberal Democrat from Stoke. ‘People weren’t embarrassed to say they were LibDems. We had a decent number of MPs. I think we even had some policies. You could get laid – ok, we were 3rd choice but at least we were in the running’. That all seems like a distant dream. Giant pandas have more sex than LibDems now – which is ironic, given that the cause of their demise was the colossal shafting which David Cameron gave to...

Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue. ‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad. ‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly believed that the...