Bram Stoker confesses: I was wrong about crucifixes

Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue.

‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad.

‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly believed that the worst kind of monster is a vampire, drinking human blood and consigning the innocent to the living hell of vampirism. Now that I’ve read the Epstein Files I can see that I just didn’t try hard enough’.

Donald Trump dismissed Stoker’s ghost as ‘fake ghouls’ and said that Bram Stoker ‘wasn’t a good guy. Terrible writer. The worst’, before claiming to have written Les Miserables and the complete works of Shakespeare before announcing a ‘Special Edition Trump Crucifix’, only $300 and covered in realistic gold-like leaf.