Bram Stoker confesses: I was wrong about crucifixes

Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue.

‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad.

‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly believed that the worst kind of monster is a vampire, drinking human blood and consigning the innocent to the living hell of vampirism. Now that I’ve read the Epstein Files I can see that I just didn’t try hard enough’.

Donald Trump dismissed Stoker’s ghost as ‘fake ghouls’ and said that Bram Stoker ‘wasn’t a good guy. Terrible writer. The worst’, before claiming to have written Les Miserables and the complete works of Shakespeare before announcing a ‘Special Edition Trump Crucifix’, only $300 and covered in realistic gold-like leaf.

Reform UK demand vampire ban to ensure British Halloween

Nigel Farage today called for the banning of all vampire and Dracula based imagery and costumes due to the characters Romanian roots.

'We have perfectly fine Great British ghosts, ghouls and witches,' he told journalists, 'why should we be celebrating a foreign character with a history of easily evading customs as a bat as well as creating significant numbers of further vampires demanding British blood.'

Mr Farage also went on to forge links with the Romanian Traveler community and vampiric tradition stating that there may even be encampments of vampires on "our beautiful British village greens" by November 1st.

'There's nothing wrong with a white sheet with eye holes, and I say white without fear of reprimand,' he went on, 'or a good old fashion witch primed and ready for dunking in a local river. Great days.'

We have approached Reform's Head Office for guidance on Zombies, Demons, Mummies and Axe Murderers. Guidance was issued that 'sexy' costumes would remain under close scrutiny.

Photo by Loren Cutler on Unsplash