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'I know I should care, he's got the nuclear codes, he's a fruitcake, he's destroying world alliances and it's pretty obvious he's manipulating financial markets for himself and his family,' said the leader of a major European country, 'but honestly, I couldn't give a flying f@ck anymore,' he added.


World leaders have come to realise that kow-towing to the Trump administration doesn't insulate their countries from his erratic herky-jerky mood swings.  Bucking him does result in enormous sanctions on products US citizens want or need to buy, making it harder for them.  For the countries impacted as an exporter it is becoming increasingly obvious that there is a queue of relatively stable countries waiting to take the US share, more if you include the relatively unstable but financially flush countries.  'So, no great shakes there,' said another world leader.


Assassination attempts have been discounted as they would probably trip over fake assassination attempts and someone could get hurt. The wrong person, presumably.  Not the person with the nuclear codes.   


'We can't kill him, but we can ignore him,' said a World leader.  'But I suppose we could release these Epstein files that I found on my desk this morning,' he suggested.





Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue.


‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad.


‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly believed that the worst kind of monster is a vampire, drinking human blood and consigning the innocent to the living hell of vampirism. Now that I’ve read the Epstein Files I can see that I just didn’t try hard enough’.


Donald Trump dismissed Stoker’s ghost as ‘fake ghouls’ and said that Bram Stoker ‘wasn’t a good guy. Terrible writer. The worst’, before claiming to have written Les Miserables and the complete works of Shakespeare before announcing a ‘Special Edition Trump Crucifix’, only $300 and covered in realistic gold-like leaf.


President Donald Trump is set to release a new tranche of documents from the Epstein files this week to distract the public from the war in Iran, which he initially started to distract the public from the Epstein files.


Despite their incriminating nature, including one image allegedly showing the President floating in Epstein's pool on an inflatable banana, it's hoped the latest release will bump the Middle Eastern blunders off the front pages, at least for a few days.


Speaking from Washington, Democratic senator Cory Booker was far from impressed: 'these looping distractions serve no purpose other than causing mass confusion amongst his loyal MAGA base, which is exactly what he wants.'


But not everyone on the right agrees, as local MAGA member Tyler Burke explained:


'It's the Democrats and the libtards who are confused, not us.


'I, for one, stand behind the bombing of the Epstein Islands to force the Islamic Republic of Venezuela to release the Iranian Files, or whatever it is that's happening.'



Image credit: Wix AI

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