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Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff

"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him. "Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker. "He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours. "Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning str

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel

BillClay

Rats annoyed about being linked with billionaire scumbags

“Look, this has got to stop, we have a bad enough reputation as it is, but please stop linking us with awful elitist bellends just because of name similarity. We get it, we are associated with loads of awful stuff, our PR team is nowhere near as good as the squirrels. Smell a rat? Dude….no need. Why can’t we have “Brave Whistle-blower Rat" rather than just rat out? Even our skill set is mocked, we are really good swimmers and just being wet gets you classed as looking like a

BillClay

White House hires exorcist to deal with Epstein’s ghost

A confused White House is believed to be considering hiring a Catholic priest to exorcise Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost. ‘All I hear is Epstein’s ghost this, Epstein’s ghost that’, a spokesman said. ‘The big man wants this ghost gone, just like he wanted some random people in Minneapolis gone, so that’s what we’re gonna do’. A Vatican spokesman confirmed that exorcism is still a thing but pointed out that the problem might be more to do with living people than dead ones. The Vatica

Sully

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 13th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

The Wheelchair Ramp to the Public Toilets was a Cruel Joke.

Winner: Sydalg Runners-Up: "Is this the way to the Möbius Strip Club?" (Sinnick); "No one had made the loop yet on the new Walker-Coaster." (Bill Clay).

"Now, What Outfit Would Look Best on Someone Defecting to Reform?"

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Third day of TK Maxx expedition, making base camp by men’s jackets, sadly we lost Oates by the underwear section." (TonyMC); "I guess a lot of these jackets think THEY are well hung." (Granger).

Breaking News

Elon Musk buys the Epstein Files and renames them the X-files

Frog toxin made Navalny croak?

Magician invites Starmer to pick a card, dies waiting

Greek lovers looking forward to St Valentines Day moussaka

Trump accepts Dementia Awareness Award 3 times in one day

Palatine Action , UK Gov await Tel Aviv's orders

NasCar driver fed up being asked what those lines are all about

Starmer grateful Ratcliffe has colonised the news cycle

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

Trump Universe Movies presents a remake of Dr No

Lawyers are behind two great nations being divided by a common language

A Valentine's fool

Labour consulting on banning using vapes near children

From the Archive

Builder Bob ordered to demolish home by Lord of the Rings lawyers

Bob deVilder has spent decades transforming a ruined farm building into an ornately-decorated home which has been dubbed the Hobbit house. Bob, 90, was told in a letter to stop all use of the Lord of the Rings designs and features. He has been ordered to remove the ornate decoration which adorns the house plus any structures or designs relating to a building from any of the films in the Lord of the Rings series. This includes the rounded front door, stained glass windows and

Hot air balloon rides across the USA: free missile with every flight

Take off and glide through the American countryside in a majestic hot air balloon as the sun rises over rolling hills, military installations and landscapes of outstanding natural beauty. Enjoy the perfect 360-degree view from 2000 feet in the air from dawn – the perfect time to soak up spectacular landscapes for as far as the eye can see. Made all the better with a glass of bubbly after landing (if you survive) and a chance to take out a fighter jet with a FREE air-to-air mi

NATO denies fighter jets 'too high-performance to be useful in Ukraine'

A NATO spokesman today denied that NATO's top-gun fighter, the F35, was 'too high performance' to be of any practical use in the 'dirty battlefield' of Ukraine. He admitted that the state-of-the-art jets require 'cleaned' runways, airspace free of drones and hand-held missiles, and good wifi access in all areas of operation. He went on to say this would not prevent them dominating the airspace in Ukraine, given a sympathetic social media atmosphere. "President Zalensky has re

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Rats annoyed about being linked with billionaire scumbags

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o