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'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Society has been left surprised yet enthralled by the revelation that the cost of living crisis is now over. 'We realised that it's only a 'cost of living crisis' because that's what we call it,' said a spokesperson from PipeDream, another think tank no one has heard about until now, 'if we just, you know, stop calling it a cost of living crisis and say that's it's over, then everything will be better.' 'Obviously this news has surprised us, but we are overjoyed,' said a stun

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Publishing:

Amazon seeks permission for increased drone deliveries

Following a successful pilot over parts of Darlington where small parcels were delivered by air-borne drone, e-commerce retailer Amazon has requested permission from the Civil Aviation Authority to cover the whole of the Darlington area. Items delivered by drone are limited to packages that can fit inside a large shoebox and weigh less than 5lb. Eligible customers who want to use the service also have to have neighbours who have a garden, yard, or driveway, so that the packa

Wally Dug

Harborne and Delo - Newsbiscuit will say this only once

We see what you are doing - trying to buy the likes of Nigel Farage and other yesterday people. Well, for the last time, Newsbiscuit isn't up for sale. Not for £1 million, £5 million and definitely not for £36 million. And you can forget about wads of cash in plain brown paper envelopes - what do you take us for? County councillors? Newsbiscuit, for hopefully the last time, isn't up for sale. Rent, sure. A long lease with an open chequebook, probably. But don't confuse u

Throngsman

Extremist RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team feel full wrath of 'Patriots'

Idiot groups of awful people are waging war on the extremist lifesaving RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team.

BillClay

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 18th of September

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

'The glass ceiling needs cleaning'

WINNER 'The glass ceiling needs cleaning' by apepper RUNNERS UP Will those help get the stick out of my Tribble? by Sinnick Why must it always be Duster, Cloth, Spray? What's wrong with Rock, Paper, Scissors? by Wally Dug Well, Jim and I love sexual role-play, and I've always fancied Ken Dodd by Rob Falconer 2 bottles of lube and a giant tickling stick - let's party, girls! by Sinnick When you order your wand off Temu. by gichowdotcom Do you reckon it’s safe to eat a lollipop

The Doctor said this would happen if you masturbated

WINNER The Doctor said this would happen if you masturbated by Sinnick RUNNERS UP Well I'm just glad you have finally agreed to do something about not having his umbilical cord cut in the first place. by daveha I told you all the doctors here are nothing but clowns ... by RobFalconer In the year 2038, people got fed up with smartphones, and played with balloons instead by Sinnick THIS is why you shouldn't swallow bubble gum. by daveha Is he taking the piss , he knows I'm in f

Breaking News

Chef says he's pansexual

Ireland has no oil. Trump leaves early and dejected

Orangemen disagree with the orange man

Patients given dementia-causing drugs score better in patient satisfaction polls, say doctors

Animator who trained at Disney Studios told by BBC, he has a Mickey Mouse degree

Driver says when his satnav stopped working, he didn’t know which way to turn

Unsatisfactory hosiery model is told she needs to pull her socks up

Ban on men wearing black circumvented by them all wearing pink

Features

Caption Competition 18th of September

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

If Rodin were alive today

Local mayors may set visitor levy 'tourist tax'

AI: 'Sod this for a game of skittles'

AI may not be what destroys life on Earth

Featured Book

Earth to be Recycled

They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you

Throngsman

From the Archive

Man worried about 'peaking too early' in grieving for Queen

A man has expressed concern that he may have peaked too early in his sadness for the passing of the Queen, it has emerged. Mike McBride has already had to dip deep into his reserves of go-to phrases to express his grief over the Queen's death, noting solemnly at least 100 times over the last 4 days to anyone who will listen that her steadfast duty is an example to us all, that she represented everything that was good about our nation, and that her sense of humour was surprisi

Archbishop of Canterbury 'well aware' September the 19th is also 'talk like a pirate' day

A Palace spokesperson confirmed that it was always the late Queen's intention that her funeral would conform to established protocols. 'Her Majesty would have insisted on the service being read out in the vernacular of a pirate, of course she would, me hearties,' practised the spokesperson, slipping an eye patch on for effect. 'It isn't known if Archbishop Welby will be wearing an eye patch, but I'm sure he will have an inflatable parrot on his shoulder during the service,'

World’s worst boyband to re-unite for farewell gig

In a moving tribute to their former frontwoman, the abysmal boyband ‘Princes’ will reunite for one last performance. The new frontman is the artist formerly known as Prince (of Wales). Best known for speaking to plants and an emetic line in sexy phone conversation, Charlie doesn’t sing, dance or play a musical instrument, but he’s still, somehow, the band’s most talented member. Andy, the ‘randy’ member of the group, has returned to the fold in a move reminiscent of the final

Politics

Harborne and Delo - Newsbiscuit will say this only once

Extremist RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team feel full wrath of 'Patriots'

Idiot groups of awful people are waging war on the extremist lifesaving RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team.

Trump to give everyone $5000 if they pay him $10,000 first

'Whadda bahgain,' his mob accountant exclaimed. 'Two‑fa‑one, kid. Ya're divahsifyin' ya votin' pohtfolio'

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

As the House of Commons once again debates assisted dying, the Lords, which rejected the bill last time around, is seeking assurances they won’t be affected.

Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

'The idea of giving every American adult $50,000 in cash if the Republicans win the mid-terms wasn't President Trump's idea.'

Trump Still Unable to Deliver Wall

A computer game created for the White House government website has been removed due to a potential copyright infringement.

CPS totally swallows Farage's 'loose pub talk' excuse

'We have been totally convinced by Mr Farage's explanation that the conversation where he conspired to violate political donation laws was simply loose pub talk. Therefore there is no case to answer'

UK threatens West Bank settlement with milquetoast and tutting

The Foreign Secretary is to lay out a series of timid sanctions designed to mildly inconvenience the Netanyahu regime.

Farage reports UK to Ofcom for anti-Farage bias

'Everyone in the media is talking about the so-called dodgy donations I took from crypto-barons and the mothers of fraudsters,' said an ashen-faced Nigel Farage

AI creates AP - Artificial Politics

AI is currently busy creating - and funding - new, leaderless political parties. Which is, apparently, OK in the UK.

Lifestyle

Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners. From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspo

Council installs post boxes in cemetery

Cheshire East Council has introduced a number of white post boxes in local cemeteries to allow the bereaved to send 'Letters to Loved Ones', providing people with a way to stay connected with loved ones who have died. Visitors can write messages to those they have lost, share memories, mark milestones and continue a conversation by posting letters in the specially-designed boxes. A spooksperson for the Council said, 'The letters would neither be opened nor read and would be h

Prisoners released early for Edinburgh festival

In July, Edinburgh Prison set free over a hundred prisoners under the government's early release scheme. Rather than making space for new prisoners, the Edinburgh scheme helps boost prison service finances. 'It's simple,' explained a Prison Service accountant and former embezzler. 'We can rent out cells in D wing to Edinburgh festival acts and make a mint. Accommodation in Edinburgh is so expensive that we can charge £300 a night for a cell, or £600 for single occupancy.' Jer

Northerners not actually that hard

Generations of received wisdom about regional toughness have been thrown into doubt after water scientists confirmed that people in London and the South East are officially considerably harder than people in Manchester, Liverpool and most of Yorkshire. The discovery was made after researchers realised that maps showing water hardness could also be used to settle arguments about which parts of Britain are hardest. 'London is absolutely rock hard,' said one hydrologist. 'You o

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

An advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

Tourists turn UK's cutest cathedral cities into riot zones

Police battling neo-Nazis in balaclavas in Portsmouth and Dover have been pulled off the job to break up riots in abbey ruins and antique shops from Harrogate to St Austells.

US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

The United Nations General Assembly voted to replace the 16th Century Mercator world map with one that more accurately reflects the actual size of actual places.

2027 declared “hottest year on record”

There was egg on the faces of Met Office officials today when it accidentally announced that next year “was” the hottest on record. “Obviously this was a mistake,” said Sir Bufton Tufton, Head of Teabags at the agency. “The system’s set up to release this announcement every year, but not until the end of the year. Even saying it on the first day of September is a bit premature, let alone for the following year.” “Then again,” chimed in Sir Tufton Bufton, Head of Cabbage, “It’

El Niño finally caught

The notorious El Niño, thought to be responsible for death and destruction all over the world, has finally been apprehended, law enforcement officials confirmed today. However, lawyers for the infamous weather system have protested it’s being unfairly blamed for a whole slew of unrelated events that couldn’t possibly have a single cause. ”I mean, come on - flooding here, drought there, a hurricane somewhere else… how can these all be the fault of my client, when witnesses con

Hubble Telescope hit hard by launch of bigger, shinier successor

Following the successful launch of the Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope this week, NASA has confirmed that its predecessor, the Hubble Telescope is now obsolete. Astronauts passing on the International Space Station say the news has hit Hubble hard. “It’s as if the spark has gone out of its life,” said one. “It’s just floating there, aimless”. Another said: “The mirrors need cleaning for a start. “It’s as if it has given up now. It’s just kicking cans around the universe wit

Kia urged to recall over invisibility cloak

Kia drivers have called on the Korean manufacturer to recall all of its models. 'The Cloak of Invisibility kicks in at the most inconvenient times,' said one Kia driver, identifying turning at junctions, driving on straight roads or just being parked by the shops as typical cloaking errors. 'It's as if other road users can't see me,' said another, admitting that would be the point of the cloak. A Kia spokesman stated there was no need for a recall, mainly because a cloak of i

El Beaño to cause havoc in UK

The UK is facing an unprecedented weather event involving catapults, stink bombs and banana skins. Climatologists made the announcement after a group of boys who call themselves the Bash Street Kids were discovered floating on driftwood in the Pacific Ocean, together with a selection of catapults, two boxes of stink bombs and a wild dog who answers to the name ‘Gnasher’ The discovery, by scientists working on climate change scenarios, confirms what some have long suspected: t

Reform UK Pledges to Free Britain From Tyranny of 2+2=4

Reform UK has pledged to break the stranglehold of the mainstream mathematical establishment by launching an urgent review into whether two plus two really needs to equal four. Party sources say the answer “four” has been imposed on Britain for generations by an increasingly out-of-touch uniparty consensus of Labour, the Conservatives, teachers, accountants, engineers and people capable of counting. “For decades we’ve been told that if you have two things and someone gives yo

Massive potato array to power Norfolk

Boffins at the University of North Norfolk have plans to power Norfolk with a MASH battery, a new technology to rival solar panels and wind power. The boffins believe that MASH technology could make wind turbines and solar panels redundant. ‘The main barrier to renewables is cost,’ said the white-coated lead boffin. ‘Solar panels are expensive, wave power is expensive, wind turbines are expensive. We wanted a low cost alternative and because this is Norfolk, we lighted on

Local News

Amazon seeks permission for increased drone deliveries

'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Man shocked he’s still overweight despite owning £5,000 worth of fitness gear

A call centre operator from Overton has revealed that despite spending several thousand pounds on fitness equipment, he remains overweight - something he describes as ‘very disappointing, considering the investment'.

Pompey racists still better than the Southampton ones

The south coast rivalry as to who has the thickest hooligans is no contest, after the people of Portsmouth managed to injure police officers and damage property all in one night.

Old King Cole makes it clear all The King's Men should not put Humpty together again

Humpty Dumpty is not a working royal and will not be allowed to carry out official engagements such as 'sitting on walls', a letter sent on behalf of the King spells out.

Jenrick asks for police help in recovering hundreds of black outfits and face coverings

'Honest' Bob Jenrick has reported the theft of a large quantity of black outfits and face coverings, Reform had been able to purchase for a late summer fancy dress ball.

Prisons to be modelled on Russian Dolls

To deal with overcrowding the Home Office insisted that there will be cells within cells, with prisoners reduced to a single molecule. A government report celebrated this achievement before noting that all 12,000 molecules are now sharing the same molecule-sized cell. Initially the prison population had been reduced to the size of a grain of rice. Explained one warden, ‘There was an emphasis on petty, small crimes-ideally with small criminals. The idea was to develop a strain

We love the Nottingham Carnival - except when we don't

It's a marvellous spectacle of arts and culture or a knife fight with fangs, depending on what side of the bed a journalist gets out of. Commented one editor, ‘There was a delightful parade of acrobats and stilt walkers, yet I had a nagging suspicion that at least one of them is fleeing the scene in plain sight. ‘I’m not saying there is anything wrong with brightly coloured wigs, but they are an excellent way of concealing forensic evidence and evading capture. We all love a

Horoscopes for September, by The Pilot

Aries You will wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Correction. You will wake up in the wrong bed. That's what you get when you stay at a Travelodge, you chancer! Taurus You will meet a tall park ranger - and can you please wear something on your lower half when you go outside? Gemini Everyone thinks you are a great deal maker, but are you losing your edge? Others are challenging you and your prowess is fading. Your negotiating tactics may be too well known and allowing your

New 10p Coin Features 'At Risk' Warning

The Royal Mint have released a new 10p coin into circulation, and it contains a conservation 'at risk' warning as it features something close to extinction. Continuing the flora and fauna theme, the reverse side of the new coin features a capercaillie, a type of grouse only found in small areas of Scotland, and the obverse side, or 'heads' side, features King Charles III. The Royal Family numbers have been dwindling in numbers for the last 100 years or so, starting with the d

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YouGov poll reveals funeral for King Charles is public's top priority

As conflict rages in the Middle East and Ukraine, with no end in sight, and oil prices continue to climb, fuelling fears that inflation could accelerate, exacerbating an already harsh cost of living crisis, a bombshell YouGov poll has found the British public's top priority is not world peace, but another royal funeral.

Bayeux Tapestry to be updated?

There have been some calls for a modern equivalent of the Bayeux Tapestry to be created so that it appeals to a modern audience. The original Bayeux Tapestry tells the story of the Norman Conquest and the Battle of Hastings in 1066, but some critics have hailed the almost 1000-year-old work of art to be 'out of touch with the reality of today'. Suggestions for an updated version of the tapestry include scenes such as Den and Angie's Christmas Day divorce paper serving, Scott

We love the Nottingham Carnival - except when we don't

BBC announces plans to bring back iconic Test Card

The BBC has announced plans to bring back a revamped version of the iconic Test Card, first shown on our screens back in 1967. The new test card will feature a group of middle aged men behaving like overgrown schoolboys and will involve lots of joshing, ribbing and tedious attempts at humour. The revamped test card is to be called TopTest Card and will start with the men playing noughts and crosses on a chalk blackboard before indulging in a series of motoring-themed high jin

Our guide to the Edinburgh Cringe

It’s that time of year again, when people from London and the Home Counties head north to the Edinburgh Cringe, to remind themselves how lucky they are that only the best of the performing arts ever make it to where they live. In an artistic equivalent of slumming it, they will experience the untreated sewage of the nation’s theatre, comedy and performance poetry before it’s filtered down to the 1% that’s actually any good. Highlights of this year's Cringe include: 1) A self

World leaders ‘baffled’ by love for Dolly Parton

The global outpouring of love and respect for Dolly Parton has confused many statesmen. Donald Trump has asked aides whether people will say similar things about him when he passes. He’s still waiting for an answer. It's getting tense now. Kim Jong Un felt a natural affinity with the diminutive character with unbelievable hair, but continues to search for her instruments of intimidation. How else can you achieve popularity? Vladimir Putin has ordered an investigation into the

Frida and Agnetha avatars go rogue at ABBA Voyage in latest worrying AI malfunction

In the latest episode of AI going rogue, during last night's performance of ABBA Voyage at the London Arena avatars of Frida and Agnetha suddenly jumped off the stage, but not before delivering a salvo of invective and lewd behaviour to the audience. One shocked couple, superfans Amanda and Bob, who had traveled from Chorley as a special wedding anniversary present to one another spoke to the BBC. 'We were just settling into the show when there was a flash of light and billow

Trump denies Dolly Parton tribute is more about himself

Donald Trump moved quickly tonight to deny accusations that his tribute to Dolly Parton is motivated more by attempting to make himself look good rather than any real sense of sadness or grief. Speaking to reporters at the White House, and wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt and Clash beanie hat the bonkers buffoon said: ‘I think Dolly was great a great lady. So many songs she’s left behind as her legacy. Just so many. Who can forget tunes like “She loves you,” and “It’s 5 o’clock

Man emotionally attached to golf ball after three holes

A tearful Brian Hepplewhite (41) explained how the bond had formed, 'I'm usually in the bushes on my second stroke and will have lost half a dozen balls by the long third. But this little lady is a keeper, she's stayed with me the whole time and never strayed into the rough. She may be a tad on the round side but I just love her for who she is – someone who will help me get par. 'Her dimples are flawless- symmetrical, requiring no Instagram filters. She accepts my weaknesses

Abbey Road zebra crossing heads for White House

US President Donald Trump has bought the world-famous Abbey Road zebra crossing and plans to install it just outside the new White House ballroom when that is completed in the New Year. He told reporters: “I’m a big fan of the Beatles, big fan. I know all their hits. ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘The Macarena’. So when I heard that – what do they call them? – the ‘drab four’ had been photographed on this crossing for a movie and stuff, I said to my people ‘we ha

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Amazon seeks permission for increased drone deliveries

Harborne and Delo - Newsbiscuit will say this only once

Extremist RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team feel full wrath of 'Patriots'

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Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 18th of September

'The glass ceiling needs cleaning'

The Doctor said this would happen if you masturbated

Chef says he's pansexual

Ireland has no oil. Trump leaves early and dejected

Orangemen disagree with the orange man

Patients given dementia-causing drugs score better in patient satisfaction polls, say doctors

Animator who trained at Disney Studios told by BBC, he has a Mickey Mouse degree

Driver says when his satnav stopped working, he didn’t know which way to turn

Unsatisfactory hosiery model is told she needs to pull her socks up

Ban on men wearing black circumvented by them all wearing pink

Caption Competition 18th of September

If Rodin were alive today

Local mayors may set visitor levy 'tourist tax'

AI: 'Sod this for a game of skittles'

AI may not be what destroys life on Earth

Earth to be Recycled

Man worried about 'peaking too early' in grieving for Queen

Archbishop of Canterbury 'well aware' September the 19th is also 'talk like a pirate' day

World’s worst boyband to re-unite for farewell gig

Harborne and Delo - Newsbiscuit will say this only once

Extremist RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team feel full wrath of 'Patriots'

Trump to give everyone $5000 if they pay him $10,000 first

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

Trump Still Unable to Deliver Wall

CPS totally swallows Farage's 'loose pub talk' excuse

UK threatens West Bank settlement with milquetoast and tutting

Farage reports UK to Ofcom for anti-Farage bias

AI creates AP - Artificial Politics

Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

Council installs post boxes in cemetery

Prisoners released early for Edinburgh festival

Northerners not actually that hard

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Tourists turn UK's cutest cathedral cities into riot zones

US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

2027 declared “hottest year on record”

El Niño finally caught

Hubble Telescope hit hard by launch of bigger, shinier successor

Kia urged to recall over invisibility cloak

El Beaño to cause havoc in UK

Reform UK Pledges to Free Britain From Tyranny of 2+2=4

Massive potato array to power Norfolk

Amazon seeks permission for increased drone deliveries

'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Man shocked he’s still overweight despite owning £5,000 worth of fitness gear

Pompey racists still better than the Southampton ones

Old King Cole makes it clear all The King's Men should not put Humpty together again

Jenrick asks for police help in recovering hundreds of black outfits and face coverings

Prisons to be modelled on Russian Dolls

We love the Nottingham Carnival - except when we don't

Horoscopes for September, by The Pilot

New 10p Coin Features 'At Risk' Warning

YouGov poll reveals funeral for King Charles is public's top priority

Bayeux Tapestry to be updated?

We love the Nottingham Carnival - except when we don't

BBC announces plans to bring back iconic Test Card

Our guide to the Edinburgh Cringe

World leaders ‘baffled’ by love for Dolly Parton

Frida and Agnetha avatars go rogue at ABBA Voyage in latest worrying AI malfunction

Trump denies Dolly Parton tribute is more about himself

Man emotionally attached to golf ball after three holes

Abbey Road zebra crossing heads for White House