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Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate

'Nigel wasn't surprised when Labour pulled out of the by-election,' said a Reform spokesman. 'The Tories chickening out was a no-brainer,' he said, 'because we hold the brains of the Tory party here,' said, admitting that Lee wasn't included. Nor Suella, to be fair. 'And don't draw any conclusions about Honest Bob until after the NCA ivestigation,' he added. 'We thoroughly expected the Lib Dems to refuse to stand. Nobody in Clacton wants to care about people, that's why the

Throngsman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Trump loses his sh!t

US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said, 'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during th

cliveoseman

Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election

Nigel Farage has ruled out standing in the Clacton by-election. Labelling the election a "circus" Mr Farage said that this was merely an attempt to change the subject and he, for one, would not stand for it. Clacton "This is simply a rather embarrassing way of trying to divert interest away from parliamentary investigations into my finances. I am completely innocent, when George Cottrell handed me a bag marked 'swag' and asked me to keep it safe for him, I simply did him a fa

apepper

Prominent Youtuber Explains Current Heatwave

Youtuber Arthur Brain has posted a video explaining to his three million subscribers just why the third heatwave of the UK summer is proof that his theory is correct and the bunkum about global warming spouted by 'scientists' is pure fantasy Brain, 19, maintains that the sun has actually been moved closer to Earth by God because too many people moaned about the cold. 'It's obvious' he said, 'The sun was a safe distance of 93 miles from Earth and has been moved 5 miles and is

cliveoseman

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 17th July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Caption Competition 10th July 2026

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

WINNER Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected. tonymc RUNNERS UP Dave wasn't surprised that his son-in-law kept sitting in the wrong place apepper The Johnson family could feel their adrenaline pumping like mad as they braced themselves for another dine-and-dash. sydalg Hey, I've got a great idea ... why don't each of us sit at a different side of the table! robfalconer

Breaking News

The Story of Moving the Bayeux Tapestry to be Made Into a Tapestry

Shoplifter with soap in her bra wanted to make a clean breast of it

Plucky Brit underdog turns out to be French after all

Crowds brave heatwave to see the absence of Meghan

Bookies predict Binface to win by a landfill

Trump flies to Australia 'To visit Hitler's birthplace'

Trump declares hydration break in Iran war

Man suffering from nocturnal urination often awake in the wee hours

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Apart from that, how was the trip?

A conversation that took place in Westminster

Many are unaware of Count Binface's long political career

Seaside entertainment will change to represent a drunk Punch

From the Archive

Police called in after BBC accusations

The police have been called in after allegations have been aired on the BBC in relation to a certain unnamed political party. The broadcaster has suggested that the party has indulged in bribery, corruption, cronyism, sexual harassment, drunkenness, drug taking, criminal economic incompetence, criminal stupidity, hypocrisy, racism, lying to Parliament, homophobia, xenophobia and judging by the behaviour of the vast majority of members, hydrophobia. The Twittersphere is in mel

Tories hope to tempt Stuart Hall out of retirement for It's a Knockout stage of leadership election

In the hope of renewing interest in the fortunes of a disgraced parliamentary cabal, spin doctors have advised the Tory party to add more bizzazz to the knockout stage of the leadership election process, by instead of having the traditional debate between the candidates about what they have to offer and why they should be the next party leader, the knockout should take the form of the It's a Knockout competition that bored TV viewers senseless during the 60s and 70s, but migh

Rees-Mogg rules out throwing his pith helmet into the ring

Jacob Rees-Mogg has revealed he has no intention of throwing his Victorian pith helmet into the ring, as the number of Tory leadership candidates surges. The MP for North East Somerset, and Right Honourable member for at least 250 years ago, said it's a lovely old hat and chucking it on the floor would wreck the thing. "While there have been numerous members suggesting I stand, I feel now is not the right time," said Rees-Mogg, 109, from on top of his penny farthing. "I've ev

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Trump loses his sh!t

Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election

Trump loses his sh!t

Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

The sound of champagne corks popping at Wimbledon can annoy the people trying to play the tennis. Watching tennis is thirsty work because of the heat, and the long games, and it's very sweaty when they close the roof. So it's understandable that spectators are keen to snag a couple of magnums of Moet, or Bolly. Or to sneak in a bottle of Waitrose ornery. The All England Tennis Club is dealing with a number of complaints about popping corks from players. They say that it's har

Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise

Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’ The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lov

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Local News

Trump loses his sh!t

Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Trump loses his sh!t

Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election

Prominent Youtuber Explains Current Heatwave

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 17th July 2026

Caption Competition 10th July 2026

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

The Story of Moving the Bayeux Tapestry to be Made Into a Tapestry

Shoplifter with soap in her bra wanted to make a clean breast of it

Plucky Brit underdog turns out to be French after all

Crowds brave heatwave to see the absence of Meghan

Bookies predict Binface to win by a landfill

Trump flies to Australia 'To visit Hitler's birthplace'

Trump declares hydration break in Iran war

Man suffering from nocturnal urination often awake in the wee hours

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Apart from that, how was the trip?

A conversation that took place in Westminster

Many are unaware of Count Binface's long political career

Seaside entertainment will change to represent a drunk Punch

Police called in after BBC accusations

Tories hope to tempt Stuart Hall out of retirement for It's a Knockout stage of leadership election

Rees-Mogg rules out throwing his pith helmet into the ring

Our annual for 2021-22

Trump loses his sh!t

Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election

Trump loses his sh!t

Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Trump loses his sh!t

Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate