The end of the world is on hold while markets are so volatile
The Grim Reaper has put his scythe aside for the time being and is looking at working to rule. 'It's always been my intention to team up with the four horsemen and take all humanity out in one big swing,' he said today, 'and to be honest I thought my time had come. the orange leader in the US was threatening to deploy nuclear weapons, was talking about destroying entire civilisations and, critically, seemed to have zero appreciation that these things tend to go badly. 'But t
Elves and Goblins made me appoint Mandelson, says Starmer
'I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons. 'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting. 'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the cham
