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'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

The journalist who ghost authored The Art of the Deal for Donald Trump has been asked to step in and clinch a peace deal with Iran, since Trump himself clearly has no clue what he is doing. "The President is totally out of his depth with the Iranians," said a State Department source, "and he's been telling obvious fibs - always saying he's minutes away from a deal with them when he's just been talking to himself in a mirror. "That's why we asked Tony Schwartz to take his plac

Jeremynh

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Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Pharmacies in England with a treatment room will soon be able to perform minor operations to help speed up care and ease pressure on GPs and hospitals. Pharmacists can currently prescribe medication for some common medical conditions, mostly the embarrassing ones. ‘Extra large tube of haemorrhoid cream for Mrs Higgins?’ ‘Yes, fine.’

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Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

"We can think of no better way of drawing international tourists to the North-West of England," said a spokes-fridge magnet for Visit Britain, "than to build a large glass bowl around the ancient edifice of Carlisle Castle, flood it, and then put in a school of goldfish.

Jeremynh

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

A peace deal between the USA and Iran is 'tantalisingly close', according to an ill-informed member of the White House press office. The only stumbling block is how to divide up the tolls on shipping through the Strait of Hormuz. The US President has previously opposed charging tolls on shipping, but is coming round to the idea - as long as the US gets a decent share.

deskpilot

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 5th June 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

WINNER Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late robfalconer RUNNERS UP Look! A dinosaur-sized squirrel. granger Dinosaur community feeling the brunt of anorexia epidemic. sydalg That one's called Keir, next to Wes, and the one on the left is called Andy deskpilot

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Winner Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away … robfalconer Runners Up So I can certainly explain what your test results mean, but first hand over the cash sirlupus Sure, privatization has its challenges, but you were going to be dead soon enough anyway. agstilp Just ignore the Channel 4 film crew while I check for yeast infection Sinnick

Breaking News

Brexit's 20 % drop in food prices. Any minute now. Really

NEETs to be allocated a pothole to fix

Trump says crap deal with Iran is brilliant

Sturgeon assumed luxury motorhome was part of Amazon Prime free trial

University offers new course: Understanding Student loans

Water companies complacent as consumers say 'No pressure'

NEETs will only join workforce when it pays more than dealing, say experts

Reform to bring back crappy weather

Features

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

May 2025 Back in May 2025. the Reform Party won 677 council seats out of around 1,600 up for grabs. Sound familiar? And a Chinese player beat the British player in the World Snooker final. Déjà vu? And Council Tax went up by 5% and inflation went up. Is 2026 just 2025 on repeat? And the Bank of England cut interest rates. OK. Maybe not. In the UK, the government announced 1,400 early prisoner releases so that we could punish more recent crimes, and Keir Starmer made one

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Cartoons

No movement for Trump after 2 hours in the 'Situation Room'

Trump's physician is Barbarella. Did I read that right?

The surest way of getting nothing for something

US Congress: $250 note, Trump? Nah. You can have this!

From the Archive

Russian advance hindered by faulty Sat Nav

Kremlin officials today have outlined that the Special Operations mission in Ukraine has been beleaguered by an over reliance on faulty Sat Nav technology. Since February 2022 the advance on strategic targets in Ukraine has been halted by fierce Ukrainian opposition and the unnamed Russian Sat Nav of choice taking their troops down several cul de sacs and leaving their forces stranded from essential supply lines and fully disconnected from the rest of the invading forces. One

Johnson to change deadly sins system to five

The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out". Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on

Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again. Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose. ‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs. Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution. Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper a

Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes. The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis. M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato... 'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket pota

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Local News

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.

Flies deny they have no common sense

A spokesfly has hit out strongly at claims that flies lack basic common sense. ‘Look, we only live for a couple of weeks, a month tops, so the complete works of Shakespeare would be a push, but we have artists. Oh yeah. Brian, one of my siblings, made up a new buzzing sound. Who knows what else he might have invented if that spider hadn’t got him on Day 9? Taken too soon.

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 5th June 2026

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Brexit's 20 % drop in food prices. Any minute now. Really

NEETs to be allocated a pothole to fix

Trump says crap deal with Iran is brilliant

Sturgeon assumed luxury motorhome was part of Amazon Prime free trial

University offers new course: Understanding Student loans

Water companies complacent as consumers say 'No pressure'

NEETs will only join workforce when it pays more than dealing, say experts

Reform to bring back crappy weather

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

No movement for Trump after 2 hours in the 'Situation Room'

Trump's physician is Barbarella. Did I read that right?

The surest way of getting nothing for something

US Congress: $250 note, Trump? Nah. You can have this!

Russian advance hindered by faulty Sat Nav

Johnson to change deadly sins system to five

Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Our annual for 2021-22

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

Stand off over baked potatoes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

Flies deny they have no common sense