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Charles returns from US, demolishes east wing of Buck House

A re-energised King Charles has returned from the USA and is setting about improvement work at Buckingham Palace. The east wing has been flattened and work is proceeding on a grand new ballroom, in a move that commentators have described as 'ballsy'. An aide explained: ''The King was impressed by President Trump's can-do approach to remodeling the White House, and by the way he has cut through planning bureaucracy. He seems determined to go one better. We heard him muttering

deskpilot

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Farage spent £5,000,000 on anti-milkshake security equipment

Claiming the £5,000,000 grift, sorry gift, was for personal security, The Supreme Leader of Reform spaffed the whole lot on state-of-the-art anti-milkshake technology: • Low orbit dairy drink detection satellites • A small portable Surface to Milkshake missile system • Paper Straw proof vest • Milk stabilisation robots, to slowly stir any milk rather than violently agitate it • Lessons in not being a racist bell-end – (unfortunately he did not any) https://pixabay.com/photos/

BillClay

"King agrees with me" proves Trump doesn't get sarcasm

Experts on humour have concluded that President Trump's sarcasm detection gene is absent. Professor Ron Jenkins of the Clacton College of Drollness, Buffoonery and Humour explained; "The gene is closely related to the 'irony' gene and we know that packed up and left years ago when Trump accused rivals of corruption. When Mr Trump announced that King Charles agreed with him about Iran, it's conclusive evidence that the President wouldn't recognise sarcasm if Edmund Blackadder

apepper

Hollywood buys up Starmer's "full due process" phrase for hitman movies

Seeing how Sir Keir Starmer and his fellow hitmen in Downing Street have killed off civil servants' careers while consistently saying they were following "full due process", Hollywood studios have bought the words to use in remakes of their most violent "pop-a-cap-in-his-ass" flicks. "'Full due process' has become a death sentence for anyone in British politics who No. 10 decides to blame for the Mandelson fiasco," said a Hollywood spokes-mogul. "These words are chilling, eve

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 1st May 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Come back to Epstein Island soon, you all!

WINNER: jeremynh RUNNERS UP Mary decided against the sightseeing trip to the Straits of Hormuz Sinnick Labour MP waves goodbye to its floating voters robfalconer

Wild Frankfurter Swallows Couple Whole.

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Kiss of life lessons, part 69." (Granger); "Labour keeps its promise to "go down hard" on small boat traffickers." (Sydalg).

Breaking News

Poorly performing hairdresser fails to make the cut

Waiting times for urinals slashed

Jeffrey Epstein noted by his absence from White House State Dinner

'Charles agrees with me, even more that I do', claims whacko nut job

FA denies that football is caused by brain injury

Starmer considers assassination attempt to boost polls

Vatican to release new price list for Sainthood

Argies plan to refloat the Belgrano

Features

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Aries Comet Cajetan-P45 features prominently on your chart. The comet is low in the heavens, signifying financial challenges ahead. These may be related to your job, your savings, your addiction to slot machines, a police matter, tariff changes, your overdraft, bailiffs, maintenance payments, unexpected bills or a tax demand. Or all of these at once. Taurus The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got

Lockjaw

Cartoons

When Trump met FDR

The Strait of Trump

After a good reception, KC III is really getting into standup

Statue of USA's 'dear leader' erected in Miami

From the Archive

Russia forced to adopt the Pink Pound

Much to the chagrin of President Putin, the Russian central bank has confirmed that it will be investing its capital reserves in leather trousers, tickets to Vegas and the albums of Kylie Minogue. The purchasing power of the gay community has long been established as much more stable than the heterosexual Rouble. Throughout the 70s Elton John was able to underwrite the entire British economy with just castoff sequins. Mr Putin blamed outside factors for the falling Rouble; in

Hilarious new Theatresports game released globally: Transnistria Denial

With firefights erupting in a breakaway region between Ukraine and Moldova, the inventors of Theatresports have proposed a great new improvisational schtick called: 'What the Heck is Happening in Transnistria?' Players respond to that prompt. Ukraine celebrated the announcement and began the game with an ironic response: 'Transnistria can’t be at war with us, because it doesn’t exist. Realistically that land is just a part of Russia.' Unexpectedly, the Transnistrian head of

Musk Introduces Writerless Tweets

In future, subscribers to Twitter will no longer have to compose their own posts. Simply log on, and the medium will automatically write and post your tweet for you. But what if the tweet is not what I think? Don't worry, AutoTwitter will tell you what to think. I'm not sure I like the idea of that. Look, AutoTwitter will tell you whether you like it or not, OK? No! I don't. *Posted*: YES..I..THINK..THIS..IS..A..REALLY..GOOD..IDEA..! www.newsbiscuit.com First published 2

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Farage spent £5,000,000 on anti-milkshake security equipment

Charles returns from US, demolishes east wing of Buck House

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Soaring gas prices cause Crips, Bloods to carpool for drive-bys

(Los Angeles) Citing a recent dramatic spike in gas prices, leaders of several Los Angles Crips and Bloods sets say they will now share rides for some gang related activities, including drive bys. ‘We might not follow the law in many cases, but we are subject to economic laws just like everyone else,’ said Leeron “Li’l Money’ Waters, an economic advisor for the Crips. Many Bloods agree. ‘Affordability is real; the struggle is real,” said a Bloods member on the condition of an

Science
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Lifestyle

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

The nominations for the 2026 Turner Prize have just been announced, include a surprise entry from Thames Water. While most of the nominations are from the usual list radical, up-and-coming, and angry young artists, the Thames Water entry is the first one by a company. Some artists are shocked (and angry), and believe that the corporate entry is a sell out that goes against the spirit of the prize. Thames Water were not able to give any details about the entry. 'Someone else h

Sinclair Spectrum failed because 'it was too woke'

On the 44th anniversary of the launch of the Sinclair Spectrum, aging gamers have been lamenting the loss of the iconic micro-computer online. 'If it was still supported it would run Twitter no problem, only nicer,' said one Spectrum fan. Another noted that 'it would have been a natural at emails, YouTube and PowerPoint, although saving to cassette might be a bit of a bind in this day and age. Apparently it failed not because of technological issues - ram pack wobble is now

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

Hollywood buys up Starmer's "full due process" phrase for hitman movies

Biopic “Adolf” accused of glossing over subject’s dark side

Recently released biopic “Adolf”, which purports to tell the true story of a young Austrian artist, has been criticised for glossing over the darker aspects of its subject’s character. “Watching this film, you’d think he was nothing more than a rather conservative painter, unfairly turned away by the Vienna Academy of Arts,” said one critic. “It’s no surprise to learn the Hitler estate had creative control over the project. They’ve left out everything that might make his fans

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Charles returns from US, demolishes east wing of Buck House

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Farage spent £5,000,000 on anti-milkshake security equipment

"King agrees with me" proves Trump doesn't get sarcasm

Hollywood buys up Starmer's "full due process" phrase for hitman movies

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 1st May 2026

Come back to Epstein Island soon, you all!

Wild Frankfurter Swallows Couple Whole.

Poorly performing hairdresser fails to make the cut

Waiting times for urinals slashed

Jeffrey Epstein noted by his absence from White House State Dinner

'Charles agrees with me, even more that I do', claims whacko nut job

FA denies that football is caused by brain injury

Starmer considers assassination attempt to boost polls

Vatican to release new price list for Sainthood

Argies plan to refloat the Belgrano

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

When Trump met FDR

The Strait of Trump

After a good reception, KC III is really getting into standup

Statue of USA's 'dear leader' erected in Miami

Russia forced to adopt the Pink Pound

Hilarious new Theatresports game released globally: Transnistria Denial

Musk Introduces Writerless Tweets

Our annual for 2021-22

Farage spent £5,000,000 on anti-milkshake security equipment

Charles returns from US, demolishes east wing of Buck House

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Soaring gas prices cause Crips, Bloods to carpool for drive-bys

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

Sinclair Spectrum failed because 'it was too woke'

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Hollywood buys up Starmer's "full due process" phrase for hitman movies

Biopic “Adolf” accused of glossing over subject’s dark side