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The Trump Truth Book of Wars I Totally Would Have Won

At Custer's Last Stand, General Custer was totally surrounded. Surrounded like you'd never believe. He still could have won if he had been me - a very stable military genius. But he was a total loser and a libtard traitor for being defeated by the Sioux and he deserved to die. Personally, I would have Sioux-ed them for all they were worth.

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

In a miracle worthy of Jesus himself, 9 year old Simon Johnson of Milton Keynes still has 5 unopened Easter Eggs.

dominic_mcg

Dark side of the moon “a bit disappointing, to be honest”

An astronaut on the Artemis II mission has caused upset by saying that the dark side of the moon was “a bit disappointing, to be honest”.

eppursimuove

Walter Reed hospital asked to step up

With injured US servicemen and women on the uptick Walter Reed has had to increase its workload, but the focus on the hospital is currently centred on just one patient. 'We can confirm the President is in attendance for his weekly annual check-up, and his fortnightly one-off colouring test,' said a spokesman for Walter Reed today. 'Nothing to be concerned about, we carry out these routine checks routinely on some Presidents. This President specifically, but we had contingen

Throngsman

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 10th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Winner; Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Trump announces new presidential seal." (APepper); "Incredibly small man fights off slug." (MrQ).

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Team of linguists work to translate Trump speech into English." (APepper); "Eight accountancy students discuss how best to split the bill in Nando's." (Midfield Diamond).

Breaking News

Calls to rehab Hitler after learning he was bipolar

Families stay up late to watch first war crime on TV

NASA defunded as no moon features named after Trump

Don Quixote arrested after 'Just Stop Wind' vandalism

Trump: 'Open the Straits of Hormuz or I'll thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick'

US pilot rescue based on 'old woman who swallowed a fly'

'Net Zero' policy is full of holes

Kanye Just Not?

Features

Horoscopes for April 2026, by Stargazy Phil

Aries You will go to bed expecting WW3 will happen in your sleep; and that you'll wake up dead, however the Today programme will reveal that Trump was full of crap and his threats were as hollow as his head. Taurus Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest. Gemini Your best professions are PR and hermits. Your adversaries are journalists, TV executives, family members and the public.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

A scene most of the world would like to see ...

Appropriate mob justice?

Spice Girls tribute act to mediate between Trump and Iran

Best wishes from Easter Island

From the Archive

Venomous reptile on plane just Suella returning from Rwanda

A very scary cold-blooded creature discovered on an aeroplane flying over Africa turned out to be the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman. It is thought that the slithering serpent boarded the plane in Rwanda and thankfully disembarked without sinking those vicious fangs into anyone aboard the flight. The pilot was dismissive of claims that he was a hero, however. ‘I just tried to keep calm and make sure everyone got off that plane safely’, he said . ‘I have no idea what I’d ha

Queen Elizabeth II shocked to find anybody in family has a brain

Celebrity quiz champion and The Chase star Anne Hegerty is said to be shocked after discovering she is a distant relative of Queen Elizabeth II. However, the Queen was even more startled than Hegerty to discover that someone connected to the Royal family could have a brain. Hegerty came across the unlikely Royal connection during preliminary investigations by researchers for ITV's "DNA Journey.' The quiz genius found out she is the 19th cousin of Queen Elizabeth II. It had p

Mongers of the world after another thing to monger

The worryingly titled Monger Union believe cheese and iron are respected food and metal items, however they they wish to expand into other fields. A representative said, “If a whole species like fish can be mongered, what about just adding another living thing, maybe ducks?” There is a danger is specialising in just in old timey metalwork and specific dairy products, and they are after something more cutting edge like Artificial Intelligence, Cryptocurrency or the abstract co

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

The Trump Truth Book of Wars I Totally Would Have Won

Walter Reed hospital asked to step up

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

In a miracle worthy of Jesus himself, 9 year old Simon Johnson of Milton Keynes still has 5 unopened Easter Eggs.

High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Following the total disappearance of physical branches and the ongoing 'unexpected downtime' of mobile apps, the banking sector has announced its most innovative transition yet: Pre-Cognitive Wealth Management.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Dark side of the moon “a bit disappointing, to be honest”

An astronaut on the Artemis II mission has caused upset by saying that the dark side of the moon was “a bit disappointing, to be honest”.

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

US President Donald Trump has given the go-ahead for the Artemis II rocket to be fired at buildings in the centre of Tehran thought to be harbouring high ranking Iranian officials. Trump posted a message on Truth Social late last night denying the rocket was ever sent on a space-flight mission to orbit the moon and was actually packed with high-explosive unitary warheads aimed at levelling the Iranian capital. Astronauts on Artemis II had earlier raised concerns about a probl

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years. Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The Trump Truth Book of Wars I Totally Would Have Won

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

Dark side of the moon “a bit disappointing, to be honest”

Walter Reed hospital asked to step up

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 10th April

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Calls to rehab Hitler after learning he was bipolar

Families stay up late to watch first war crime on TV

NASA defunded as no moon features named after Trump

Don Quixote arrested after 'Just Stop Wind' vandalism

Trump: 'Open the Straits of Hormuz or I'll thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick'

US pilot rescue based on 'old woman who swallowed a fly'

'Net Zero' policy is full of holes

Kanye Just Not?

Horoscopes for April 2026, by Stargazy Phil

A scene most of the world would like to see ...

Appropriate mob justice?

Spice Girls tribute act to mediate between Trump and Iran

Best wishes from Easter Island

Venomous reptile on plane just Suella returning from Rwanda

Queen Elizabeth II shocked to find anybody in family has a brain

Mongers of the world after another thing to monger

Our annual for 2021-22

The Trump Truth Book of Wars I Totally Would Have Won

Walter Reed hospital asked to step up

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Dark side of the moon “a bit disappointing, to be honest”

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets