Classic News:

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Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Research by sperm whales has revealed that human beings are able to communicate by using noises which are grouped together to form 'words' and 'sentences', just like whales.

rogt

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Mandelson both passes and fails vetting

'In hindsight, there was no way to know that a man whose nickname was The Prince of Darkness was a wrong 'un'

deskpilot

Homeopath attempt to bring drop of oil through Hormuz

Enterprising homeopath, Ron Jenkins of Clacton has announced an audacious plan to bring a whole drop of oil through the Strait of Hormuz.

apepper

Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

'People are slating the president for making himself out to be Jesus in a picture,' said a spokes-priestess for the White House. 'But Jesus is the fraud and Donald Trump's the real deal.

Jeremynh

Caption Competition: Friday 17th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

Winner: APepper Runners-Up: "Car boot sale curated by Tate gallery." (SirLupus); "New Ryanair-IKEA partnership requires passengers to assemble plane before take-off." (Sydalg).

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Winner; Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Trump announces new presidential seal." (APepper); "Incredibly small man fights off slug." (MrQ).

Breaking News

Pupils sent home for failing to wear official school stab vests

Man in pub has AI model too powerful to release to general public

Larry the cat to leave Downing Street after vetting row

Meghan tells Bondi shooting survivors 'we're victims too'.

Keir Starmer never told he was Prime Minister

MPs divided on under 16s; but agree US President should not use social media

National Grid suffers internet pile on

UK Farmers warn any old excuse will push up food prices

Features

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk... Over by Easter An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1 Over a Barrel Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter,

Sir Lupus

Cartoons

Somewhere along Whitehall, London

News from the parallel universe of the radio call in show

Feckless Productions release 'The Haunting of Number 10'

Lidl to start selling £400 solar panels

From the Archive

CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks

Tired of every kid with a Amstrad 464 being able to hack the Pentagon, the CIA has outsourced intelligence protection to Check-A-Trade. One spy confirmed: 'We're more leaky than a Joe Biden prostate examination. Data was dripping everywhere, the grouting on our hard drives was non-existent.' Having provided a temporary fix, the plumber said: 'There's your problem. See that? You've got a huge hole in your ethics. Unless you plug that gap with some human rights or crafty lawyer

UK Government: 'Stupid motorways for stupid people'

Stupid people should drive on stupid motorways. That's the view of Rishi Sunak who adds motorways to the list of things he prefers stupid, like the electorate. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst elaborated, 'We believe the UK population is fundamentally stupid. They ought to be - we've been slashing education funding for long enough. Anyway, those mindless drones, those worthless maggots, or as we used to call them, people, deserve dumb roads and moronic railways and boy oh b

Elon Musk offers to buy "100% of Twitter for $43bn" or "200% for $86bn"

Billionaire Elon Musk has offered $43bn to personally acquire Twitter. More controversially, he has offered $86bn to buy two Twitters. "It's good to have a spare", explained Mr Musk, "I kept my old phone when I upgraded recently, just in case something happens. If I accidentally dropped Twitter or, more likely, accidentally got involved in a ruinous libel suit, then I'd like to have another one I could pull out of the drawer." www.newsbiscuit.com First published 16 April 2022

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Mandelson both passes and fails vetting

'In hindsight, there was no way to know that a man whose nickname was The Prince of Darkness was a wrong 'un'

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.

Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

'People are slating the president for making himself out to be Jesus in a picture,' said a spokes-priestess for the White House. 'But Jesus is the fraud and Donald Trump's the real deal.

Got a shipping problem? Try new Block-Aid

I guess we've all had days when we've been trying to get some ships out through a tight exit but found it clogged up with Iranian mines and sea drones. That's where new Trump Block-Aid could come in handy.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Research by sperm whales has revealed that human beings are able to communicate by using noises which are grouped together to form 'words' and 'sentences', just like whales.

Homeopath attempt to bring drop of oil through Hormuz

Enterprising homeopath, Ron Jenkins of Clacton has announced an audacious plan to bring a whole drop of oil through the Strait of Hormuz.

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana

Hungary is still celebrating a huge election win for Peter Magyar - JD Vance has once-again demonstrated his unique reverse Midas Touch.

Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

Local glue factories are said to be furious.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Mandelson both passes and fails vetting

Homeopath attempt to bring drop of oil through Hormuz

Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 17th April

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Pupils sent home for failing to wear official school stab vests

Man in pub has AI model too powerful to release to general public

Larry the cat to leave Downing Street after vetting row

Meghan tells Bondi shooting survivors 'we're victims too'.

Keir Starmer never told he was Prime Minister

MPs divided on under 16s; but agree US President should not use social media

National Grid suffers internet pile on

UK Farmers warn any old excuse will push up food prices

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

Somewhere along Whitehall, London

News from the parallel universe of the radio call in show

Feckless Productions release 'The Haunting of Number 10'

Lidl to start selling £400 solar panels

CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks

UK Government: 'Stupid motorways for stupid people'

Elon Musk offers to buy "100% of Twitter for $43bn" or "200% for $86bn"

Our annual for 2021-22

Mandelson both passes and fails vetting

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

Got a shipping problem? Try new Block-Aid

Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Homeopath attempt to bring drop of oil through Hormuz

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana

Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National