Classic News:

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Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do. His family were initially sceptical given...

Wrenfoe

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

The Royal Society of Onanists (patron: Darren Grimes) has requested that Karoline Leavitt be replaced as White House Press Secretary as...

Sully

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

The news about the cancellation of dark chocolate Toblerone has been seized upon by media outlets, who are exhausted by a long run of bad...

deskpilot

Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence

'Following the despicable example set by Kemi Badenoch,' said an Ofcom spokes-pixel, 'we are worried that other bloody-minded...

Jeremynh

Caption Competition: Friday 25th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Twitter: https://x.com/NewsBiscuit or Facebook:...

Pope Seen Fighting a Bear up a Tree Over a Roll of Toilet Paper

Winner: Lockjaw Runners-Up: "Son, I don't know how the car got up there either." (FlashArry); "So this is where you sold the cow and...

High Court Settles Dispute About Harry's Security Arrangements.

Winner: Deskpilot Runners-Up: "Flushed, Doris could never resist a Mannequin in Uniform." (TonyMc); "Primark mannequins go on strike."...

Pope dies after visit by JD Vance. Coincidence?

Swiss Guard seek 40 year old bearded American to help with their enquiries

Peter Hegseth to post plans on Liz Truss's social network to make sure no-one sees them

Failed laundry company airs its dirty linen in public

78-year-old astronaut returns to Earth, unable to remember what he went up there for

Putin says "humanitarian" without laughing

Rich Brummies take their trash to their country cottages

End prevarication with our 37 step programme

The Last Simple - a parody

The Last Simple Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but...

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM

The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the...

He has risen!

An 8-year-old boy rose early this morning and plans to spend the entire day eating Easter eggs, it has been announced. Damien Bratt has...

Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'

Following the news that a man with joint British and Russian citizenship has been sentenced to 25 years in a Russian prison, the Foreign...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

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Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

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Politics

White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

The Royal Society of Onanists (patron: Darren Grimes) has requested that Karoline Leavitt be replaced as White House Press Secretary as...

Trump threatens huge bombast strike on Iran

'I'm giving the Iranian regime two weeks to sign a deal to limit its nuclear activities,' Trump told the White House press corps, 'and if...

Trump demands that imports arrive on American ships

President Trump has taken exception to the fact that only 178 cargo ships sail under the US flag globally. This represents a measly...

US trade deal will require UK to accept horrible American food

The Government is edging closer to a trade deal with the US. The UK has accepted, in principle, that it will have to receive imports of...

Newspaper editors get ready for Donald Trump's pharma tariffs

President Trump says he will announce new tariffs on pharmaceutical goods soon, and will probably describe them as a shot in the arm for...

Editor admits: Being fair to Starmer was a moment of madness

'There is no justification for my comments,' admitted a tearful Clive Haw-Haw, speaking after his shock resignation as editor-in-chief of...

Cthulhu sues Trump for copyright infringement

Cthulhu, the ageless entity of unspeakable evil, is suing Donald Trump in an American court for 'theft of intellectual property' and...

President Trump remains in excellent health

A White House doctor has confirmed that the remains of Donald Trump are in excellent health. ...

US/China tariffs will soon be 1,000,054%

Old Trumpy Trump, the Satsuma of Injustice himself, has declared tariffs on China to be 104% or 154% or 1054% or whatever, as long as...

Trump Insiders Explain That All He Did Was Fix the US Economy by Switching It Off & Back On Again

The greatest economic miracle since someone discovered you could put avocado on toast has been revealed to be little more than the fiscal...

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

The news about the cancellation of dark chocolate Toblerone has been seized upon by media outlets, who are exhausted by a long run of bad...

Easter Bunny to strike over pay and conditions

The Easter Bunny will be on strike this year in a dispute over pay, pensions and working conditions. 'I'm on a zero hours contract,' said...

23andMe to offer 'What percentage Elon Musk?' option

Elon Musk’s stated determination to have more children, on top of the 14 he has already, raises the possibility that in the future, all...

God's architect wins award

Following the Pope’s announcement that Antoni Gaudí - better known as God’s architect - had been declared Venerable, the Vatican says it...

Family Loses Bidding War for Garden Shed

Family Loses Bidding War for Garden Shed to Slightly Less Desperate Family Who Sold a Kidney By Dusty Leasehold, Property Correspondent...

King aghast at Harry’s charity problems

King Charles is reported to be horrified at Harry’s disastrous problems with the Sentabale charity. Sources report him as saying, ‘This...

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts Scientists at the University College London...

Smash burgers to become invisible to the naked eye, confirm restaurants

The recent trend for ever-thinner cuts of burgers - known as smash burgers - will continue until the point that the meat will no longer...

Drummers hit by US ban

Forget tariffs, DEI and woke libtards,' said a US government spokesman, 'we're going after lazy musicians now.' The United States is...

Rain says it’s just taking a break....for now

Rain says it is just taking a break from its usual routine but will be back shortly. “We’re just putting our feet up for a while” said a...

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

The news about the cancellation of dark chocolate Toblerone has been seized upon by media outlets, who are exhausted by a long run of bad...

New colour 'nobody has ever seen before' turns out to be puce

A new colour, scientists claim to have found by shining a laser into idiot researchers’ eyeballs, is unlikely to be seen again by those...

Car mechanic given award says 'Won’t be this week'

A car mechanic, told he’d been nominated for an Outstanding Customer Service award by members of the public, sucked air through his...

Various vacuous vixens voyage into the void

Noted rocket scientist and astrophysicist Katy Perry has criticised the apparent lack of return trajectory for the Blue Origin space...

Stock Markets agree to trade when Trump is sleeping

With tariff impositions and exemptions being imposed willy-nilly and almost on a whim by the President of the USA, stock markets are now...

Markets soar as Trump not doing stupid thing yet

The FTSE, Nikkei and Hang Seng indices all soared yesterday on the news that Donald Trump has temporarily paused his plan to implement...

The perils of buying an American car

The US auto business is in big trouble because of the Trump Tariff Tempest. Even the good ole boys at Ford and GM are hit hard because...

Musk proven to be far-sighted for starting US goods boycott early

Although it is probable that Elon Musk had forewarning of the tariff blitz by President Trump, and presumably worked out that every...

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

The recent attack on Heathrow power infrastructure was confirmed to be by a rival airport group. The LAFF (Luton Airport Freedom...

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

The recent attack on Heathrow power infrastructure was confirmed to be by a rival airport group. The LAFF (Luton Airport Freedom...

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do. His family were initially sceptical given...

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish. Britain’s treasured...

King for sale, hardly used

UK selling King to raise emergency cash for much needed night out, and also with view to saving money by dropping Kingdom part of name.

Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Auditors are questioning the £4 million bill to upgrade runway lighting at Inverness airport, as a forensic examination of invoices shows...

Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Private Equity insiders admit that that running supermarkets in Britain has been way tougher than they expected. ‘The masters of the...

Shock as woman buys Pomeranian but NOT as baby replacement

A 30 year old woman was today praised for getting a small, fluffy, white dog, despite still intending to go on and have children. She...

Private parking pirates update their rules

Private parking firms have crossed their fingers behind their backs and promised to update their code of practice. The pirates have...

Man volunteers to be “fat stomach” on BBC news

An out of work actor has suggested he would make an excellent “fat stomach” to be shown on the BBC News whenever they cover a story about...

From NB archives: Ancient Rome

Severe criticism of social services as Romulus and Remus placed in foster care of she-wolf. Defence Secretary resigns after he admits god...

City of York to rebrand

The city of York is to be renamed, to avoid it being associated with disreputable ne’er-do-wells With the main culprit being the...

Local News

Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence

'Following the despicable example set by Kemi Badenoch,' said an Ofcom spokes-pixel, 'we are worried that other bloody-minded...

Harry Potter and the Trans Character who meets with an Unnecessarily Grizzly Death

A whooping JK Rowling was allegedly seen orchestrating an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, searching for trans people to 'ask...

Man Utd goalie replaced with own waxwork

Light was shed on recent Manchester United results when it was discovered that goalkeeper André Onana had accidentally been replaced with...

Boat Race won by crew that rowed faster

Rowing eight, AI generated picture showing a boat with seven rowers and no cox. Sigh. For the 170th year in a row, the Oxford-Cambridge...

New theme park in Bedford to celebrate the ‘Best of British'

Plans for the new theme park near Bedford have been exclusively leaked today to over thirty news outlets, for publicity reasons. The park...

The Archers to feature home dentistry storyline

The continuing drama 'The Archers' was first broadcast on BBC radio in 1850. The programme disseminated government information about...

7 more adolescent shows that should be showed in every school

After the success of hard-hitting Netflix drama Adolescence, Keir Starmer announced that the programme would be made available to all...

Ringo Starr to be played by “random guy off the street”

Director Sam Mendes announced today that in his forthcoming series of four films about the Beatles, whereas John, Paul and George will be...

Hollywood becomes latest tariff victim

'Every film made in Hollywood,' said a famous director today, 'has an unwritten code to signal who are the good guys and who are the bad...

‘Braveheart' level celebrations as footballer wins throw-in

A footballer was surrounded by chest beating team-mates after winning a throw-in somewhere near the half way line. Fans near the...

Sport
&
Entertainment

"Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but doesn’t know if he has to dumb up or down for the gig."

98cfeb_df6c87d6947b49eb9b78da7691235275~mv2_edited.jpg

Promotion

The Last Simple

By Ray Sullivan

Click here

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 25th April

Pope Seen Fighting a Bear up a Tree Over a Roll of Toilet Paper

High Court Settles Dispute About Harry's Security Arrangements.

Pope dies after visit by JD Vance. Coincidence?

Swiss Guard seek 40 year old bearded American to help with their enquiries

Peter Hegseth to post plans on Liz Truss's social network to make sure no-one sees them

Failed laundry company airs its dirty linen in public

78-year-old astronaut returns to Earth, unable to remember what he went up there for

Putin says "humanitarian" without laughing

Rich Brummies take their trash to their country cottages

End prevarication with our 37 step programme

The Last Simple - a parody

Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM

He has risen!

Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'

Our annual for 2021-22

White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

Trump threatens huge bombast strike on Iran

Trump demands that imports arrive on American ships

US trade deal will require UK to accept horrible American food

Newspaper editors get ready for Donald Trump's pharma tariffs

Editor admits: Being fair to Starmer was a moment of madness

Cthulhu sues Trump for copyright infringement

President Trump remains in excellent health

US/China tariffs will soon be 1,000,054%

Trump Insiders Explain That All He Did Was Fix the US Economy by Switching It Off & Back On Again

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

Easter Bunny to strike over pay and conditions

23andMe to offer 'What percentage Elon Musk?' option

God's architect wins award

Family Loses Bidding War for Garden Shed

King aghast at Harry’s charity problems

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Smash burgers to become invisible to the naked eye, confirm restaurants

Drummers hit by US ban

Rain says it’s just taking a break....for now

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

New colour 'nobody has ever seen before' turns out to be puce

Car mechanic given award says 'Won’t be this week'

Various vacuous vixens voyage into the void

Stock Markets agree to trade when Trump is sleeping

Markets soar as Trump not doing stupid thing yet

The perils of buying an American car

Musk proven to be far-sighted for starting US goods boycott early

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

King for sale, hardly used

Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Shock as woman buys Pomeranian but NOT as baby replacement

Private parking pirates update their rules

Man volunteers to be “fat stomach” on BBC news

From NB archives: Ancient Rome

City of York to rebrand

Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence

Harry Potter and the Trans Character who meets with an Unnecessarily Grizzly Death

Man Utd goalie replaced with own waxwork

Boat Race won by crew that rowed faster

New theme park in Bedford to celebrate the ‘Best of British'

The Archers to feature home dentistry storyline

7 more adolescent shows that should be showed in every school

Ringo Starr to be played by “random guy off the street”

Hollywood becomes latest tariff victim

‘Braveheart' level celebrations as footballer wins throw-in

"Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but doesn’t know if he has to dumb up or down for the gig."

The Last Simple By Ray Sullivan Click here

The Last Simple

By Ray Sullivan

Click here