Classic News:

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Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

'We've known for some time the family voting is the reason we keep losing elections,' said a Reform spokesman 'Muslim families don't vote for us because we want to deport them. Selfish.'

Throngsman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Amazon has launched a submarine delivery service following a widely publicised photo shoot on the Essex mudflats, Amazon Slime

rogt

Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

'Whoever did this… Christ on a bike…. this is taking the piss to be honest. I’d say the whole lot has to come out and skipped.'

BillClay

Glinda nominates Elphaba for Ice Bucket Challenge

Tragedy struck the Wicked wrap-party, as the Witch was accidently melted for charity.

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition: Friday 27th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

Winner: Sinnick Runners-Up: "Steve hadn't yet mastered the etiquette for asking for a no-fault divorce." (Sydalg); "Kayleigh loves playing "Finger or sausage" with blind people." (Sketchly).

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Victorian Lamp Spotting Society tragically misses out on a sighting." (SirLupus); "Blimey - he's cropped that edge a bit close..." (Sketchly)

Breaking News

Mystery Stone Age writing revealed to say 'Two pints please, Milky'

Trump still wondering why he didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize

FIFA dusts off it's 'Bomb Iran' Trophy

Starmer vows to keep fighting - to retain his leadership

Starmer to be replaced by AI mashup of Polanski and Farage

Green Party boasts that they will now be able to fix Government leaks

Records show Charles was close friends with Jimmy Savile

Rank amateurs beaten by rank outsiders

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

The acceptable face of family voting

Green as grass

Late-onset paraphasia is a bugger; brought on by life-long Tory voting

Netanyahu reacts to latest from White House

From the Archive

More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless

The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints: 1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it

Turnips to form political party

Following comments from the Environment Secretary that eating turnips could be a suitable alternative to other vegetables, the root vegetable is to form a political party. It's spokesperson, Timothy Turnip said that he felt 'he and his fellow turnips would be a far better alternative to both Coffey and her party.' 'The reality is that we, the humble turnip, not only provide more benefit to the British people than the current government, we also have a lot more integrity as we

Corbsky found murdered with ice-axe in head

Left wing firebrand Leon 'Jeremy' Corbsky has been found murdered, an ice-axe buried in his skull, at the hacienda in Mexico where he was in hiding. Though no one has claimed responsibility, few doubt his murder was ordered by party General Secretary Josef 'Keir' Starmlin, of whom Corbsky had become a persistent critic in recent times. The two had been comrades-in-arms in the early days of the Glorious People's Revolution of 1997. It was at this time Starmlin adopted his famo

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

'We've known for some time the family voting is the reason we keep losing elections,' said a Reform spokesman 'Muslim families don't vote for us because we want to deport them. Selfish.'

Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

'Whoever did this… Christ on a bike…. this is taking the piss to be honest. I’d say the whole lot has to come out and skipped.'

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project.

Jeffery and Andrew are typical names for a Muslim Grooming Gang

Leaked emails reveal the true extent of an international grooming gang, all of whom spent years worshipping Islam - primarily the Judeo-Christian bits.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Amazon has launched a submarine delivery service following a widely publicised photo shoot on the Essex mudflats, Amazon Slime

Race against time to stop 'Bad Lego'

Toy makers are racing to dismantle criminal gangs selling 'Bad Lego' – construction kits that allow aficionados to build upsetting scenes or to recreate terrible events from Lego bricks.

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Local News

Glinda nominates Elphaba for Ice Bucket Challenge

Tragedy struck the Wicked wrap-party, as the Witch was accidently melted for charity.

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tyrade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

Glinda nominates Elphaba for Ice Bucket Challenge

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 27th February

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

Mystery Stone Age writing revealed to say 'Two pints please, Milky'

Trump still wondering why he didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize

FIFA dusts off it's 'Bomb Iran' Trophy

Starmer vows to keep fighting - to retain his leadership

Starmer to be replaced by AI mashup of Polanski and Farage

Green Party boasts that they will now be able to fix Government leaks

Records show Charles was close friends with Jimmy Savile

Rank amateurs beaten by rank outsiders

Modern rhyming slang

The acceptable face of family voting

Green as grass

Late-onset paraphasia is a bugger; brought on by life-long Tory voting

Netanyahu reacts to latest from White House

More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless

Turnips to form political party

Corbsky found murdered with ice-axe in head

Our annual for 2021-22

Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Jeffery and Andrew are typical names for a Muslim Grooming Gang

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Race against time to stop 'Bad Lego'

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Glinda nominates Elphaba for Ice Bucket Challenge

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle