Classic News:

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Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

Gerontius

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Supreme Court challenges Trump order to have statues on him installed in every street

Trump has ordered every US state erect a statue of him outside the state government building and have an image of him prominently displayed in every classroom.

ModelMaker

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS

The NHS is seeing early signs that Curling Fever may have peaked. Hospital admissions for the condition, although still high, are beginning to fall.

deskpilot

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Chipchase

Caption Competition: Friday 27th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

Winner: Sinnick Runners-Up: "Steve hadn't yet mastered the etiquette for asking for a no-fault divorce." (Sydalg); "Kayleigh loves playing "Finger or sausage" with blind people." (Sketchly).

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Victorian Lamp Spotting Society tragically misses out on a sighting." (SirLupus); "Blimey - he's cropped that edge a bit close..." (Sketchly)

Breaking News

BAFTA states that Tourette's incident was a f***ing disgrace

Andrew's emails: massage deleted

Keir Starmer now 11th in line for news headlines

Andy's £30 rub down wrong , 360m on Buckingham Palace, fine

Repairing Commons: MPs to use Bibbi Stockholm instead

Mar-a-Lago introduces 'only one assassin allowed inside at any one time' policy

Nasa aims to debunk moon landing conspiracies by not landing on the moon

Trump tells Supreme Court 'They weren't tariffs - they were Special Economic Operations'

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

Tuesday, 24th Feb: National Spay Day

Play your tariffs right

Greenland responds in kind to Trump's hospital ship

America's 'Great Leader'

From the Archive

'Russian oligarchs could be limited to £2m donations' warns Johnson

Boris Johnson has warned London's Russian oligarch community that a limit could be imposed on how much money they donate to the Tory party if Russia continues its invasion of Ukraine. Mr Johnson has hinted there could be severe financial sanctions levied against Russians wishing to buy political influence here in the UK, saying any future interference will come at a cost. That cost could be as little as £2m per oligarch. Tory grandee Jacob Rees-Mogg also warned that Russi

Russia denies Rhyl is part of Russia

Responding to claims that Russia is preparing to annexe Rhyl, President Putin has denied that the Russian Federation has ever laid claim to the North Wales resort town. 'The wastelands of Crimea and two cess-pools that border the Soviet Un- er - Russia - sure, but Rhyl? Come-onski, not even Russia is that desperate,' he said in a live tele-message today. President Biden has publicly stated that if Russia doesn't withdraw, then it will be forced to take control of Rhyl and,

Aristocrats all want COVID now the Queen has it

Just like they did before with Scottish country estates and vicious little dogs, the Royals have set off another aristocratic fashion craze - catching COVID. "Frankly, I'd always thought it was a bit of a pleb's ailment," said Lutetia Arling-Gobeaton, 37th Duchess of Hemel Hempstead. "All those dreary urbanites are falling like ninepins, you know. But now that Lizzie has shown the way, it's de rigueur to come down with - cough cough - I say, do you have a lateral flow test

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Supreme Court challenges Trump order to have statues on him installed in every street

Trump has ordered every US state erect a statue of him outside the state government building and have an image of him prominently displayed in every classroom.

Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The F-Rage (Independent supplier)

Just appalling. This appears to be a one-off vanity project which is more of a concept rather than a practical solution to peoples actual needs.

MOT changes: a photo probably isn't enough this year

Cars over three years old are required to undertake a fairly basic test to ensure the government has additional tax revenues. This year the test has become more difficult to pass. Here is the NewsBiscuit guide to getting your car through the dreaded MoT.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local News

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS

The NHS is seeing early signs that Curling Fever may have peaked. Hospital admissions for the condition, although still high, are beginning to fall.

Olympics sees rush on guttering and drainpipes

Sales of guttering, drainpipes, railings, storm drainage channels and old tin trays are all booming thanks to the Winter Olympics.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Supreme Court challenges Trump order to have statues on him installed in every street

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 27th February

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

BAFTA states that Tourette's incident was a f***ing disgrace

Andrew's emails: massage deleted

Keir Starmer now 11th in line for news headlines

Andy's £30 rub down wrong , 360m on Buckingham Palace, fine

Repairing Commons: MPs to use Bibbi Stockholm instead

Mar-a-Lago introduces 'only one assassin allowed inside at any one time' policy

Nasa aims to debunk moon landing conspiracies by not landing on the moon

Trump tells Supreme Court 'They weren't tariffs - they were Special Economic Operations'

Modern rhyming slang

Tuesday, 24th Feb: National Spay Day

Play your tariffs right

Greenland responds in kind to Trump's hospital ship

America's 'Great Leader'

'Russian oligarchs could be limited to £2m donations' warns Johnson

Russia denies Rhyl is part of Russia

Aristocrats all want COVID now the Queen has it

Our annual for 2021-22

Supreme Court challenges Trump order to have statues on him installed in every street

Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The F-Rage (Independent supplier)

MOT changes: a photo probably isn't enough this year

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Council plans annual black bin collections

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS

Olympics sees rush on guttering and drainpipes