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The News before it happens

Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California

Some believe Jeffrey Epstein to be dead. A handful of people even think he took his own life. But what if he’s alive, spirited away to safety by the CIA? Weird News specialist Ray Sullivan blew the lid several years ago on Hotel California, a secret island retreat for ‘deceased’ rock stars. Could Epstein be there? NewsBiscuit went undercover to reveal the truth, but we couldn’t find it. Turns out secret islands aren’t easy to locate and the CIA won’t answer even a really poli

Sully

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

The Ghislaine Maxwell revelations in full - world exclusive!

What, you want to read them again? Oh OK, then, here goes. Still not satisfied? Well she did refer to the Fifth rather a lot. Probably asked for a glass of water and a pardon. Which, given the amount of dirt she didn't spread, is probably in the post. The pardon that is, not the water. She almost certainly didn't drink the water anyway once she'd thought about it given Epstein managed to hang himself with paper towels while the CCTV was off. For those with short memories,

Throngsman

Labour party aims to best the Tories

Labour Party activists are excited by the chance to put one over on the Tories. 0ne insider told us, 'When the Tories sacked Theresa May, they set in motion a downward doom spiral from which they never recovered. Boris, partygate, internal divisions, scandal, defections, Liz Lettuce, Kwazy Kwasi and then Rishi got the hospital pass and finally a massive election wipe out.' 'Labour is at the top of that ski slope. If we can push out Keir, then we can ignore the national intere

deskpilot

Wave of gratitude for Reform

British citizens have today expressed their overwhelming gratitude to the Reform Party. ‘Reform aren’t all bad,’ said Colin Popp, a resident of Clacton. ‘There’s lots of criticism of Reform and Farage, but we should all give credit where it’s due. We all need to give a massive thank you to Reform for finally shutting up those gobby right-wing Tories. ‘Since Robert Jenrick joined Reform, we haven’t heard a peep from him. What a relief! No stupid stunts chasing tube fare dod

deskpilot

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 13th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

The Wheelchair Ramp to the Public Toilets was a Cruel Joke.

Winner: Sydalg Runners-Up: "Is this the way to the Möbius Strip Club?" (Sinnick); "No one had made the loop yet on the new Walker-Coaster." (Bill Clay).

"Now, What Outfit Would Look Best on Someone Defecting to Reform?"

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Third day of TK Maxx expedition, making base camp by men’s jackets, sadly we lost Oates by the underwear section." (TonyMC); "I guess a lot of these jackets think THEY are well hung." (Granger).

Breaking News

Trump accepts Dementia Awareness Award 3 times in one day

Palatine Action , UK Gov await Tel Aviv's orders

NasCar driver fed up being asked what those lines are all about

Starmer grateful Ratcliffe has colonised the news cycle

Calls for woman to be appointed 'Minister of Tokenism'

Met Police call Andrew for interview, put Emily Maitlis on standby

Floods minister 'out of her depth'

Knife incident at private school: pupil arrested after using the wrong one for fish

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

If it wasn't for bad luck, Keir wouldn't have any luck at all

Labour to employ more stringent vetting procedures

I'm sure BBC Radio was better than BBC Interweb

A portent from history?

From the Archive

NATO denies fighter jets 'too high-performance to be useful in Ukraine'

A NATO spokesman today denied that NATO's top-gun fighter, the F35, was 'too high performance' to be of any practical use in the 'dirty battlefield' of Ukraine. He admitted that the state-of-the-art jets require 'cleaned' runways, airspace free of drones and hand-held missiles, and good wifi access in all areas of operation. He went on to say this would not prevent them dominating the airspace in Ukraine, given a sympathetic social media atmosphere. "President Zalensky has re

MPs' hypocrisy achieves levels even jets can't reach

In an astonishing display of two-faced political shithousery earlier today, British Parliamentarians gave several standing ovations to a man representing everything they abhor and avoid. The subject of the applause was President Zelenskiy of Ukraine. He is renowned for his leadership, honesty, self-effacement, steadfast strength of purpose and promotion of the common good among his citizens. Spectators were utterly bemused why MPs were praising these characteristics. Standard

‘Let’s get back to headlines about dead people and fraud’ Johnson urges Cabinet

Boris Johnson has told Cabinet colleagues that he wants a return to headlines about unimportant people dying abandoned and alone in their homes and bodies piling high in the wider community rather than more damaging headlines like Parytgate and wallpaper. The PM hopes ending Covid restrictions early will see a dramatic increase in hospitalisations, acute illness and record numbers of people dying from the virus and distract people away from more serious matters like his dwind

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

The Ghislaine Maxwell revelations in full - world exclusive!

Labour party aims to best the Tories

The Ghislaine Maxwell revelations in full - world exclusive!

Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The all new Keir Stormer

There were high expectations on this new model, in this case SiR Stormer. The build up to the launch was preceded by genuine positive expectations, however it turns out that this version is a bit of a let down, offering little joy and disappointing performance. The cost seems high for what it eventually delivered, and other competitors have already taken advantage of this. The longevity of it is already in question and it appears to depreciate at an alarming rate. On an uncha

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o