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Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

The Daily Mail has now published no fewer than seven articles decrying the inhuman assault on British drivers of a certain age. 'You will be forced to retake your driving test every three years and, due to the shortage of examiners, you will be advised to provisionally book each test at least four years ahead,' ran one social media explanation of the Daily Mail's articles. 'You will need to pass a medical previously limited to active HGV drivers, be able to demonstrate an abi

Throngsman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

‘If everyone smells the same, then nobody can point the finger at the President. That’s why I’m willing to soil my underpants at work if it means distracting olfactory attention away from POTUS odour,’ said one White House Official who preferred not to be named. ‘ It doesn’t matter if the Oval office smells like shit if it helps Make America Great Again. A whole bunch of us are doing the same and we regard it as an honour to dispel communist myths that the president is incont

NickB

Musk summonsed on charge of fly-tipping

Weirdo trillionaire, Elon Musk, has been summonsed by the Lunar Magistrates' Court we can report. Specifically in the matter of aggravated fly-tipping a large chunk of space rocket in or around the vicinity of the Moon's Einstein Crater. An environment spokesman for the Man in the Moon said, 'This guy Musk has been caught bang to rights. Just say the guvnor had been out for a stroll and that pile of scrap metal landed on him. He'd not have been too best pleased I can tell you

Chipchase

Reform abandons cake wall after bakers warn it won’t work

Reform UK has abandoned plans to protect Britain’s borders with a 30-foot wall of cake after bakers warned it would be “vulnerable to rain and surprisingly easy to eat through”. The party insisted the barrier could be built entirely from British flour, eggs and “absolutely no foreign jam”. Nigel Farage dismissed concerns about its structural integrity as “Two-Tier baking”. Plans to switch from Victoria sponge to fruitcake were abandoned after a Home Office study found the wal

Fernandomando

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Caption Competition

And this is the new No.10 North

WINNER And this is the new No.10 North by Matilda/Sinnick RUNNERS UP The age old trick of baking bread and cooking fresh coffee to make homes appear attractive, inevitably becomes the norm when flogging caravans modelmaker Debbie had assumed Harry was an opera singer when he said he had a Nissan Dormer robfalconer Sharon was disappointed with her promised holiday to Kam Ping robfalconer If he says ,this is better than a hotel one more time , he's getting this ho

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

WINNER Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit fernandomando RUNNERS UP Researchers prove Paul Hollywood’s sourdough starter has become self-aware fernandomando Scientists try to find a way to put the President's brain back in again robfalconer Isle of Wight scientists create cultural dessert fernandomando

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Breaking News

Meredith Kercher's sister criticises knox-knox jokes

Farage admits biggest fear: immigration might stop

Gianni Infantino tipped to take over at Thames Water

Reform confirm that they only hire 'current' Neo Nazi activists

Prison bunk beds to be fitted with extra levels

Moon urged to show restraint following SpaceX rocket attack

The grass isn't always less brown on the other side

Man who was overcharged for a hive of bees says he’s been stung

Features

Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro

Aries What are your chances of romance this month? Put it this way: you're an amateur bagpipe player in a field of concert pianists. Taurus You will be taking a long journey abroad. That extradition request has finally been complied with. Gemini You've been through a challenging period of snags and misunderstandings, but things are getting back to normal now. Oil is back over a hundred dollars a barrel, inflation is going back up and Iran is once again attacking ships in the

Lockjaw

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Cartoons

What was I saying?

Getting tougher with fly tippers

Iran war: Trump latest

Trump slams oil companies for making too much money from his war with Iran

From the Archive

Team Liz delighted as Truss masters her two times table

Members of Liz Truss’s team are said to be delighted with the progress she’s making on the reception class mathematics book they bought her last week. One high profile but low competence cabinet minister who’s part of the team said: ‘We’re delighted with Liz’s progress. She’s currently got her two times table buttoned up and after she passes her little exam tomorrow she’s pressing ahead with the threes. Given a bit of luck and cramming she may be up to twelve by September. Ev

Channel 4 News operating under the delusion that the Tory leadership car crash is still newsworthy

Provider of information to woke snowflakes, Channel 4 News, still thinks what unfunny clowns do and say in their bids to become Britain's Silliest Prime Minister is actually news. No self-respecting fully paid up Conservative member even acknowledges the existence of Channel 4, never mind watch its news output. The only known incident where it happened was in 2019 when Gerry SaintJohn-Smythe from Bournemouth accidentally pressed the wrong button on his remote control, later c

Head lice added to endangered species list

Brexit, Covid, global warming, a year of teachers' strikes and an improvement in personal hygiene have all contributed to the fall in numbers of what was once one of Britain's most popular and beloved pets: the head louse. As of today, the humble louse has been added to the European list of endangered species and, within a decade, could be wiped out completely. Over the last 8 years, Professor Nora Kopfenkratzer of Berlin University, has compiled analysis, based on school med

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

Reform abandons cake wall after bakers warn it won’t work

Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

With Mediterranean countries mostly ablaze, boozed up Brits abroad have been making the best of it 'I know the locals have lost their homes and possessions to an all-consuming apocalyptic wall of flame' droned one 'but where is my roast beef with all the trimmings? I’m on holiday in Spain so I want Yorkshire pudding, but all I can see is charcoal and despair. I’m sweating buckets here and I can’t even find a Fab lolly to cool me down.' Other Brits have opted to vacation in th

Science
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Lifestyle

Musk summonsed on charge of fly-tipping

AI chatbot errors intentional, claims developer

The errors sometimes made by AI chatbots are a deliberate feature, according to a spokesman from Uberdork, which produces the Gerard app. ”Sure, these things have access to the whole internet, along with tools to help them distinguish trustworthy sites from Fox News. In theory, they could be 100% reliable. “But we also want them to be relatable, like having a chat with a friend. And we all have that friend who may know a fair amount about some things, but doesn’t admit it whe

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA

Following their bravura appearance at the World Cup Final – which included Animal making out with Madonna off-camera – FIFA has confirmed that its current head, Gianni Infantino, is to be replaced by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show. Infantino’s position had become untenable after his scheme to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors met with widespread criticism. It is the first time the organisation has had shared leadership and the first time t

Vintage comedian Jimmy Cricket caught behind for 80

Famous for his floppy hat and directionally labelled gardening footwear, the 80 year old mirth maker has finally stopped saying ‘Come ‘ere, there’s more’ because, quite clearly, there isn’t. Born, probably, in Northern Ireland, Cricket turned his attention to comedy after a tour of duty as chief entertainment officer and Libyan go-between for the People’s Front of Ulster, and a short stint as bass player in Belfast punkers Stiff Little Fingers during the mid 70s, failed to ra

Sport
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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

Musk summonsed on charge of fly-tipping

Reform abandons cake wall after bakers warn it won’t work

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

And this is the new No.10 North

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Meredith Kercher's sister criticises knox-knox jokes

Farage admits biggest fear: immigration might stop

Gianni Infantino tipped to take over at Thames Water

Reform confirm that they only hire 'current' Neo Nazi activists

Prison bunk beds to be fitted with extra levels

Moon urged to show restraint following SpaceX rocket attack

The grass isn't always less brown on the other side

Man who was overcharged for a hive of bees says he’s been stung

Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro

What was I saying?

Getting tougher with fly tippers

Iran war: Trump latest

Trump slams oil companies for making too much money from his war with Iran

Team Liz delighted as Truss masters her two times table

Channel 4 News operating under the delusion that the Tory leadership car crash is still newsworthy

Head lice added to endangered species list

Our annual for 2021-22

White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

Reform abandons cake wall after bakers warn it won’t work

Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

Musk summonsed on charge of fly-tipping

AI chatbot errors intentional, claims developer

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA

Vintage comedian Jimmy Cricket caught behind for 80