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Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

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Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Starmer fires Lord Vader but finds it difficult to remove his title

Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing. The prime Minister made the following statement, “We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be hon

BillClay

Be sick on the rides in the Peter Mandelson theme park

Join the noble Lord Peter in his Prince of Darkness theme park in Islington, as he takes his country and party on a steep slide into the mud. Scream with disgust as you see him ride the vomit-inducing Gravy Train, the Kickback, the Double Cross, the Turncoat and the Sleazy Rider. Exit through the grift shop. image from pixabay www.newsbiscuit.com

Jeremynh

New police reality show tells it like it is

If you only watch one police fly-on-the-wall documentary this spring, then WATCH THIS ONE. The show takes you BEHIND THE SCENES at the Met, revealing the highs and lows of police procedure, played out before your very eyes. It’s a real eye opener. Eye watering, even. The shows camera teams received, exclusive, unfettered and unfiltered access to police work behind the scenes. Finally, you get to see beyond the car chases, the sirens, the fights, the smashed in doors and th

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Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 13th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

The Wheelchair Ramp to the Public Toilets was a Cruel Joke.

Winner: Sydalg Runners-Up: "Is this the way to the Möbius Strip Club?" (Sinnick); "No one had made the loop yet on the new Walker-Coaster." (Bill Clay).

"Now, What Outfit Would Look Best on Someone Defecting to Reform?"

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Third day of TK Maxx expedition, making base camp by men’s jackets, sadly we lost Oates by the underwear section." (TonyMC); "I guess a lot of these jackets think THEY are well hung." (Granger).

Breaking News

'McSweeney, get your trousers on - you're nicked'

Sweeney Todd accepts responsibility for Nellie Lovett's pies

Morgan McSweeney takes responsibility for the Birmingham bin strike

Breaking News! Epstein still alive and living with Elvis on the moon!

You're gone, McSweeney

Crufts refusing entry to Wetherspoon's customers without muzzles could be illegal

Jeffrey Epstein was Margaret Thatcher's secret love child

Rumours grow that Keir Starmer is about to shift himself

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

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Cartoons

When they say 'Just keep taking the tablets'...

Does Keir rely too much on advisors?

Installation of new bishop proceeding smoothly

Trump Redraws USA Map

From the Archive

Petrol pumps to be recalibrated to show contribution to oil company profits

Petrol pumps run by BP, Shell and others are to be recalibrated to show in real time how much you are contributing to the profits of big oil every time you fill up your car, it has been confirmed. ‘Look, everyone knows we are making a sickening amount of money every time you touch that petrol pump’, said Mike Stetson, Chief Executive of lobbying firm, Oil be Back. ‘It’s about time we now celebrated this greed in all its’ obscene glory.' ‘Look, there we go, you spilt a drop as

Rees-Mogg breaks into oligarch mansion to fit prepayment meter

The Conservative party has suspended the use of court warrants to force entry into yachts and mansions to fit prepayment meters. An undercover investigation by the Times appears to show a group of senior Tory MPs banging on the door of a Mayfair building before a team of locksmiths and accountants force their way inside. Vladimir Lobamolotov, a single parent oil trader with close ties to the Kremlin, was too frightened to open his door. Once entry had been gained, the account

British sports fans gripped by Winter Olympic fever

Winter Olympics fever - better than Covid and a way to forget Boris Johnson is Prime Minister - has gripped the nation. Luke Lyle said 'It's even better than the proper Olympics. Determining whether Austria or Norway has the fastest downhill skiers can bring this country together. I don't know why they specify the skiing is downhill, but I've got my cowbell locked and loaded. Plus there's bowls on ice, with added sweeping. Also lying down on a tray, then firing yourself head

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Starmer fires Lord Vader but finds it difficult to remove his title

Be sick on the rides in the Peter Mandelson theme park

Starmer fires Lord Vader but finds it difficult to remove his title

Council plans annual black bin collections

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Met to co-opt clerics to CID

With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives. 'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today. 'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the

Doom 101

An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me. The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed. All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his.

Council plans annual black bin collections

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o