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This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun. Of course, there is a serious side to these unusu

rogt

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Downing Street mouser Larry the Cat has put his paw down over who occupies Number 10, saying that if Keir goes, he goes too. "There've been almost as many Prime Ministers through this door recently as I've got lives," muttered Larry, sitting on the front step, discontentedly licking his rear end. "Boris was the worst to mouse for. He and Charles Moore would just hurl them through the gates at the plebs passing by on Whitehall. "'Go on, you vermin!' they'd bray. "Have some ver

Jeremynh

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

When your premium's high, and you don't know why Who you gon' call? (Ghost Brokers!) You got no cash, and then don't be rash Please don't call (Ghost Brokers!) I ain't afraid of no ghost I ain't afraid of no ghost If you cover's fake, you'll get no break You shouldn't call (Ghost Brokers!) You'll face a fine, or do jail time Because you called (Ghost Brokers!) I ain't afraid of no ghost Uh, I ain't afraid of no ghost Who you gon' call? (Ghost Brokers!) If your premium's grown

Ian Searle

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile. "We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age. "But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is. "So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment.

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 22nd May 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

WINNER: Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned apepper RUNNERS UP... ITV News dumbs down its graphics approach to show a major swing against Labour robfalconer They'll be fine now. Pub? Midfield Diamond Middle-class parents training children as young as three to be swing voters. sydalg You're right, this is the hardest job in the world. joe

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

WINNER:Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing (sir lupus) RUNNERS UP: Oh, no! Uncle Fred is about to do his drinking from binoculars impression (lockjaw) Thank god we lost. Who wants to be a local councillor anyway? (deskpilot) Club 18-30 admit age vetting failures (apepper)

Breaking News

King dismisses bird pooh incident, "It's no worse than Andrew, or Harry have done"

Keir planning 'work event' piss-up for Arsenal

Russian oil sanctions on slippery slope

Channel 4 cancels pilot of Arranged Marriage At First Sight UK

New Strictly hosts: first scandal expected by Sunday

UK unemployment rate unexpected to rise by at least one after the Makerfield by-election

Failure to treat outbreak of tombola in DRC is gambling with people's lives

Man City search for new Head of Referee payments

Features

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

May 2025 Back in May 2025. the Reform Party won 677 council seats out of around 1,600 up for grabs. Sound familiar? And a Chinese player beat the British player in the World Snooker final. Déjà vu? And Council Tax went up by 5% and inflation went up. Is 2026 just 2025 on repeat? And the Bank of England cut interest rates. OK. Maybe not. In the UK, the government announced 1,400 early prisoner releases so that we could punish more recent crimes, and Keir Starmer made one

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance

Thurs, May 21: Chardonnay Day

Let the punishment fit the crime

What a way to run a railroad!

From the Archive

Government department urges more Royal deaths

The Department for Culture, Media & Sport has pointed out that as the Queen's funeral went on for the best part of a fortnight and only cost £162m, it was far better value for money than any other entertainment provided by the nation's broadcasters. It has urged other members of the Royal Family to consider how their deaths are part of their duty to the nation and when appropriately timed, help assuage the misery of modern life. image from pixabay www.newsbiscuit.com First p

LibDems to provide ‘wilderness survival’ training to Tory MPs

‘Thirty years ago the LibDems were a proper political party’ said Steve, a Liberal Democrat from Stoke. ‘People weren’t embarrassed to say they were LibDems. We had a decent number of MPs. I think we even had some policies. You could get laid – ok, we were 3rd choice but at least we were in the running’. That all seems like a distant dream. Giant pandas have more sex than LibDems now – which is ironic, given that the cause of their demise was the colossal shafting which David

Misery should be "default" says minister

Britain's office workers should get back to expensive and time wasting commutes, sick buildings and sexual harassment, said a spokesperson for the chancellor yesterday. Billie Bunt, Junior Minister for Treasure, clarified that the government's position is that, as most key workers cannot work from home, and are often paid less than office workers, something has to give. And as a pay rise for nurses was obviously unthinkable, back on the buses it is. "Britain's swift adjustmen

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Local News

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

The government has begun an investigative into fancy dress shops run by moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeepers. An undercover operative, wearing a black lounge suit and bowler hat, left a house at 52 Festive Road, London, and visited a fancy-dress costume shop where he was invited to try on different outfits. He then left the shop, not by the front door, but through a 'magic' door at the back of the changing room and had adventures appropriate to his costume. When he returned

Chelsea 'magnificent and consistent' at FA Cup final losses

Chelsea Football Club has been granted special, unique status following a fourth consecutive cup final win avoidance. FA Executive Ron Mann confirmed, 'Starting next season, Chelsea will be proactively encouraged to not compete in further FA Cup matches. It's for their own good.' image from pixabay

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 22nd May 2026

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

King dismisses bird pooh incident, "It's no worse than Andrew, or Harry have done"

Keir planning 'work event' piss-up for Arsenal

Russian oil sanctions on slippery slope

Channel 4 cancels pilot of Arranged Marriage At First Sight UK

New Strictly hosts: first scandal expected by Sunday

UK unemployment rate unexpected to rise by at least one after the Makerfield by-election

Failure to treat outbreak of tombola in DRC is gambling with people's lives

Man City search for new Head of Referee payments

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance

Thurs, May 21: Chardonnay Day

Let the punishment fit the crime

What a way to run a railroad!

Government department urges more Royal deaths

LibDems to provide ‘wilderness survival’ training to Tory MPs

Misery should be "default" says minister

Our annual for 2021-22

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

Chelsea 'magnificent and consistent' at FA Cup final losses