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The News before it happens

Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

Brian, 53 (but looks 70) has become the first homeless person to be awarded a degree by the University of Padgate after spending five years sleeping in the Social Sciences section.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

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Publishing:

Those Andrew charges in full

Police have arrested Andrew Mounting-Concern, who is not being named. Police have said that the man they are holding is of Anglo-German heritage. He is being held in custody on suspicion of the following:

deskpilot

Chagos Islands now part of the Hokey Cokey

'You put the right lease in, the right lease out, in, out and shake it all about,' said a US spokesman for the President today, explaining that the deal depended on the timing of the President's meds and the supply of crayons for his Truth Social posts.

Throngsman

Only fourteen right-wing parties until May elections

With right-wing parties popping up like nobody's business, pollsters are struggling to keep up with the likelihood of any given party garnering enough votes to win a constituency.

Throngsman

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 20th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Victorian Lamp Spotting Society tragically misses out on a sighting." (SirLupus); "Blimey - he's cropped that edge a bit close..." (Sketchly)

The Wheelchair Ramp to the Public Toilets was a Cruel Joke.

Winner: Sydalg Runners-Up: "Is this the way to the Möbius Strip Club?" (Sinnick); "No one had made the loop yet on the new Walker-Coaster." (Bill Clay).

Breaking News

Royal Lodge: Police continue the search for Andrew's conscience

Trump hits Supreme Court with huge tariffs

I'll make you king of Greenland, Trump tells Andrew

Andrew's new Royal residence to be the Tower of London

Crown Prosecution Service gets literal

Andrew strenuously denies being arrested

Keir Starmer gives up for Lent

ICE agents can't take the heat

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

Big birthday surprise for 66-year-old man, 'A'

Racing from Towcester

Dr Who doubles down with extra woke-ness

Keir's promise in December 2024

From the Archive

Offensive content removed from Roald Dahl, leaving 400 blank pages

After a major rehaul to update the author’s work to match modern sensibilities, his publishers were surprised to find that they had erased his entire catalogue. Confessed one editor: ‘Once we trimmed out all the references to fat, ugly and annoying characters, we were left with ‘they lived happily ever after’ and a doodle of peach.’ Complained an avid fan: ‘Who wants to read ‘Charlie and the Vegan Allotment’, ‘The moderately impressive, non-gender specific fox’ or ‘Danny, jus

Following the Fawlty Towers revival, Netflix announces an On The Buses reboot

One of the worst-kept entertainment secrets has now been revealed. Netflix have commissioned a brand new series of the legendary 1970s sitcom. It is also confirmed that Emma Thompson has been appointed as Executive Director / Producer. At a media briefing she gushed:- “On The Buses, (or OTB as us thesps call it!) was the drama series that inspired me to become an actress, and has formed the backdrop to my life, relationships and work ever since. I have already approached my d

Grand Jury report suggests Trump may have said something truthful

The long awaited Grand Jury investigation into former president Donald Trump's meddling into the result of the Georgia election has revealed a sensational report that Mr Trump may have, inadvertently, said some honest. The key extract comes just before Trump's infamous telephone call to the Georgia governor, "We believe that Mr Trump turned to one of his aides and said, 'Nice day for me to organise some electoral fraud'. Careful examination of the weather reports for Washingt

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Politics

Chagos Islands now part of the Hokey Cokey

Only fourteen right-wing parties until May elections

With right-wing parties popping up like nobody's business, pollsters are struggling to keep up with the likelihood of any given party garnering enough votes to win a constituency.

Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

Brian, 53 (but looks 70) has become the first homeless person to be awarded a degree by the University of Padgate after spending five years sleeping in the Social Sciences section.

HR managers welcome the Fire Horse in 2026

"2026 will be the most auspicious year ever for us human resources managers," said a spokes-slug for the industry association, "because it's the year of the Fire Horse".

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o