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"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"

The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government. "Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries. "Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in tw

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Elon Musk predicted to become a multi-trillionaire after launching sex robot business

Sociologists are concerned that human relationships may soon become obsolete after Elon Musk decided to ditch Tesla cars as a significant source of innovative entrepreneurial ambition; and concentrate his attention on developing AI sex dolls. Unveiling Aphrodite X1 at the Las Vegas Pseudo-Onanist Convention, he promised his new, ultra-realistic AI sex doll would fulfil every man’s fantasy partner; and can be programmed to engage in every perversion mentioned on the Interweb,

ModelMaker

Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Makerfield became the hottest entertainment spot in Britain as thousands crowded into the Burnham Man festival to vote for Andy the T-Shirt Mannequin and listen to his latest numbers: "Final Chance to Change" and "Hit the Road, Keir". On the hard right stage, Reform UK's Bob the Plumber sung a sad ballad called "I Got Flushed Down the Toilet". On the even harder right stage, Restore's Rupert Lowe, reprising his chosen role of human cockroach, entertained no one at all with hi

Jeremynh

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

A future Reform government will lobby the TV companies to put some decent telly on during the day. ‘I have been selflessly researching television programmes during the afternoons’, a tobacco-stained party leader told us. ‘And the choice is pretty poor. There’s some great stuff on there – classic shows like Only Fools and Horses – and some wonderful programmes showcasing Nazi engineering – but most of it is home renovation dross and Australians with metal detectors. ‘When I’m

Sully

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 26th June 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

WINNER After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm robfalconer RUNNERS UP The good days when a farmer and his wife could have a laugh with the bike the EU paid for. tonymc Jane didn't realise that quads had no gearstick. But Dave knew what she was holding Sinnick "Of course we're entitled to disability benefits. We've got this mobility scooter, see?" jeremynh

"Smile, honey! I found something more barren than you!"

WINNER "Smile, honey! I found something more barren than you!" agstilp RUNNERS UP Hairy knees and bad breath, but very useful in the desert - as are the camels sirlupus Well, that's quite a cameltoe! lockjaw And then I told Harry after the meal I fancied a nice dessert robfalconer

Breaking News

Their Majesty The Qing: The world's first non binary monarch

Next week, roads forecast to melt & fill all the potholes

Strait of Hormuz: an open and shut case

Our highest priority is not over-paying the pensions, say Capita

Burnham promises to release the Johnson files when he becomes PM

No rush for Starmer to go - any time this week-end will do

Makerfield To Re-Join EU

Makerfield great again

Features

Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls - NewsBiscuit Podcast 61

https://youtu.be/o71xEJ1F69s https://open.spotify.com/episode/1uRlciTeVrFLC6Qt3f2wz7?si=gwxOEF9CTxiHbyPJDe4ToQ Episode 61: Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls Comedy news from NewsBiscuit Featuring Guests: Sketchly, Uncle Egg & Paul L Host: Wrenfoe. May-June 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/ We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict, Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor.

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

Putting a positive spin on it

A new approach to boarding Air Force One

After all, tomorrow is another day

The devils you know

From the Archive

Times newspaper cancels itself

In a move widely acknowledged as the silliest thing since Jacob Rees-Mogg tried to get all metric units arrested for being gay, The Times newspaper editorial has pulled a story so exclusive that only a couple of other publications had already run it. A spokes-snitch for the Times explained for twenty pence and half a packet of Rothmans, 'In their infinite wisdom, they forgot how print newspapers work. Turns out it's not as easy as just hitting a delete key and having all the

Modern Thermometers Annoyed That Journalists Still Say They Contain Mercury

Modern thermometers across Britain are annoyed by the many inaccurate references by journalists to their mercury rising in hot weather. Modern thermometer Dan Warmness said “It’s decades since mercury was the most commonly used liquid in thermometers, and no disrespect to my silvery elders, they did a good job of measuring how nippy or scorchio it was, but there are many generations of us with a red stripe of coloured alcohol that won’t poison you if we break. We do a good jo

Microsoft Clippy returns as Prime Ministerial adviser

A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that Clippy will immediately be on board as part of the Prime Ministerial guidance team. Clippy is a beloved and treasured part of this nation's heritage. It first appeared in Office 97, coinciding with the Tories being out of office in the same year. Nevertheless, the current Government has decided that Clippy has many advantages relevant to today's issues. "Are you looking for a picture of a big dog?" "Do you want to convert that to

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"

Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Prince George disappointed not to be in Gryffindor

Prince George is excited to be going to school at Eton, because his nanny has read all the books to him. He is particularly looking forward to travelling there by steam train from a secret royal platform at Waterloo. And he hopes to study Defence Against The Dark Arts, otherwise known as Media Studies. But he is disappointed that the sorting hat has not put him in Gryffindor House. He is puzzled to have been put in Boris House, which seems to be a watered down version of Slyt

Royal watcher thanks generous neighbours

An avid Royal watcher from Swindon has thanked her 'kindly' neighbours for allowing her to watch the trooping the colour on their 50 inch TV. Rose Johnson, 57 has been unable to afford a TV of her own since her 12 year old knock off set broke down, despite working two jobs and selling everything else she could get any money for. The family at number 28, who don't want to be named because the whole thing made them feel sick, said 'It's the least we could do really. We would

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Elon Musk predicted to become a multi-trillionaire after launching sex robot business

Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire

Former billionaire empathy-void Elon Musk set a new 'personal best', registering a full 18 seconds of contentment, and inner fulfilment. The new record was set moments after SpaceX was floated on the international stock markets, raising $1.77 trillion and making Musk the world's first trillionaire. "It was a strange feeling, though not entirely without precedent," explained the tragically unfulfilled troll/tycoon hybrid. "My central nervous system was flooded by a delicious b

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Local News

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

Dr Who to get the Spielberg treatment with record-busting budget already raised

After the disappointment there will be no Christmas Dr Who Special this year, there's a renewed buzz within the Whovian community following news Steven Spielberg has his sights set on making the fourth big screen outing for the the Poundland Sci-fi icon. Speaking at a publicity event in London where he's promoting his current blockbuster, Disclosure Day, the ET Supremo told members of the press. 'I'm really excited to be getting a crack at this and can announce we've now secu

Sport
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Entertainment

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Elon Musk predicted to become a multi-trillionaire after launching sex robot business

Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 26th June 2026

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

"Smile, honey! I found something more barren than you!"

Their Majesty The Qing: The world's first non binary monarch

Next week, roads forecast to melt & fill all the potholes

Strait of Hormuz: an open and shut case

Our highest priority is not over-paying the pensions, say Capita

Burnham promises to release the Johnson files when he becomes PM

No rush for Starmer to go - any time this week-end will do

Makerfield To Re-Join EU

Makerfield great again

Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls - NewsBiscuit Podcast 61

Putting a positive spin on it

A new approach to boarding Air Force One

After all, tomorrow is another day

The devils you know

Times newspaper cancels itself

Modern Thermometers Annoyed That Journalists Still Say They Contain Mercury

Microsoft Clippy returns as Prime Ministerial adviser

Our annual for 2021-22

"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"

Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Prince George disappointed not to be in Gryffindor

Royal watcher thanks generous neighbours

Elon Musk predicted to become a multi-trillionaire after launching sex robot business

Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

Dr Who to get the Spielberg treatment with record-busting budget already raised