Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

Trump making peace deal with his imaginary Iranian friend

'I've been holding talks with a high level Iranian, the very highest," Donald Trump told worried-looking reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. 'I call him Kebab. He agrees with everything I say, so we'll have a peace deal soon with Iran handing over all its oil and its nuclear fuel and letting me build a casino on the Persian Gulf. 'I'll be calling it the Trump Hormuz, in honour of my great victory there." Iran has said that in the real world no member of its govern

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

National Lottery unveils 'what will Trump do next?' game

US ConstitutionBritain's National Lottery has unveiled a new contest based on the next power-crazed thing that comes into Donald Trump's tiny mind. 'We're playing for high stakes here,' said a spokes-scratchcard for the organisation. 'For instance, had we been playing the game last month and someone guessed that Trump would start a war with Iran, they would have scooped half a million quid. 'From now on, if you correctly guess that Trump will suspend the US constitution and m

Jeremynh

Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz

An international coalition of countries has announced its audacious plan to get ships moving through the Strait of Hormuz again. Instead of spending billions to defend the shipping lanes with warships, the coalition will pay famous rock groups and boy bands to escort the ships through. The reasoning is that Iran would not risk harming K-pop bands like BTS, or iconic groups like Dire Straits. A spokesman said, ‘Yes, the cost is enormous, but it’s still much cheaper to pay the

deskpilot

First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

Despite the kettle BBQ being buried under boxes of so-called-sorting-out in the garage, a lack of briquettes and Dave's failure to pick any suitable food for cooking, the first BBQ of the year was declared a success. 'Sure we had to scavenge suitable combustible material from the shed next door - which is always left open, so it won't be missed when my neighbour returns from his Mediterranean break, or deployment as he insists on calling it. And kindling was salvaged by open

Throngsman

Caption Competition

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 27th March

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Manufacturers Admit to Using Wrong Measurements for new IKEA Sock Drawers

Winner: Gerontius Runners-Up: "Spurs fans prefer to watch the traffic go by outside rather than endure the game." ( Lockjaw); "ICC curse Tesco for building a car park next to Lords cricket ground." (Modelmaker).

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Dad's Army remake funded by Jeffrey Epstein." (Sydalg); "America liberates the Isle of Wight from 'Big England." (Lockjaw).

Breaking News

Folk who identify as Bears told to leave the cubs

'Sprinter' trains spotted with 'HS2' logos in surprise cost saving measure

Starmer to appoint Malcolm Tucker as emergency US ambassador

Trump admits talks with 'Top person' actually boss of local 'Persian Palace' kebab shop

Trump to try Hormuz Replacement Therapy

HS2mph

HS2 passengers will travel at replacement bus service speeds

Oil prices down as US finds an Iranian official to speak to who hasn't been killed yet

Features

Doctor Luggage, Yoga Jail & Grown Up Baby-Girl Dog – NewsBiscuit Podcast 59

https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/newsbiscuit/episodes/Doctor-Luggage--Yoga-Jail--Grown-Up-Baby-Girl-Dog--NewsBiscuit-Podcast-59-e3gq2fg https://youtu.be/RGfQQ8BjXM0 Episode59: Doctor Luggage, Yoga Jail & Grown Up Baby-Girl Dog Comedynews from NewsBiscuit FeaturingGuests: Paul L, Uncle Egg, Sketchly and Ian Searle Host:Wrenfoe. March-APril 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts,Deezer, Listen Notes, PodcastAddict & Castbox, YouTube

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

Tantamont Pictures presents Trump in 'The Chump in Washington'

Don't be silly, bouncing bombs are exempt, even when they kill 1,600 civilians

Predatory feral ferrets to be removed from island

Trumpworld through the looking glass

From the Archive

I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar

A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged. "I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of

Epstein Island sold to Bond villain

The estate agent handling the sale said: 'It's quite a niche market, most buyers don't need that many dungeons. It would certainly work as an evil lair, as you could easily convert the 'pleasure pit' into a shark tank. 'We did have some interest from a Royal buyer, but he was £12m short. Bill Clinton and Bill Gates both made inquiries, but that was to make sure they had left no fingerprints. 'It's got fascinating history and an even more interesting FBI file. But we do advise

Man successfully cooks something on smallest gas hob ring on cooker

A man has confounded all logic and reason by managing to successfully cook something on the smallest of the 4 hob rings on his gas cooker, it has been confirmed. Mike McBride 46, managed to cook a small pan of penne pasta in just under 5 hours but admitted that he never expected to complete the ultimate endurance task, only taking it on out of desperation, as all the other hob rings were unavailable. 'I had no choice really', admitted McBride - there was a sauce boiling on on

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

Trump making peace deal with his imaginary Iranian friend

'Hatzolah? I thought it was Hezbollah!' says Netanyahu

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu apologised today for the destruction of four ambulances in north London. The ambulances belonged to Hatzolah, a voluntary organisation that provides healthcare services for the local Jewish community. Unfortunately, it’s thought the IDF’s intelligence division confused them with Hezbollah. Netanyahu has apologised for the mistake, though he also pointed out that by the standards of IDF precision strikes, hitting London instead of Leba

National Lottery unveils 'what will Trump do next?' game

First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park

NCP Enters Administration After Accidentally Parking in Its Own Car Park Car park operator NCP has gone into administration this week after a travelling staff member accidentally parked in one of the company's sites in Central Manchester. "I was travelling up north to attend a meeting about customer pricing strategies", said Matt Jones, the now out-of-work Analyst. "I usually park in Tesco and use my meal deal receipt to validate my parking before I leave, but a wrong turn se

Gen Z “more than capable of being offended by small, furry animals”

The row over the redesign of Britain’s banknotes entered a new phase today when it emerged it may all have been for nothing. “We know from experience that some people manage to be offended by just about any historical figure,” said a spokesman for the Royal Mint today. “Even if their opinions were completely normal for the era they lived in. But I guess TikTok doesn’t go into that much detail. ”So we thought we’d circumvent all that by having sweet little animals on the bankn

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Local News

Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz

Epstein slept in Tracey Emin’s bed

The convicted paedophile and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein slept in the artist Tracey Emin’s bed, the latest tranche of papers from the Epstein files reveals. The new revelation comes as Emin’s retrospective opens at Tate Modern, featuring the iconic My Bed with its crumpled sheets and sea of detritus from Emin’s history – empty vodka bottles, condoms, overflowing ash trays, Polaroid selfies, period pants…. Some online sites say that Epstein’s face can be seen in the crumpl

Sport
&
Entertainment

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump making peace deal with his imaginary Iranian friend

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

National Lottery unveils 'what will Trump do next?' game

Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz

First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 27th March

Manufacturers Admit to Using Wrong Measurements for new IKEA Sock Drawers

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

Folk who identify as Bears told to leave the cubs

'Sprinter' trains spotted with 'HS2' logos in surprise cost saving measure

Starmer to appoint Malcolm Tucker as emergency US ambassador

Trump admits talks with 'Top person' actually boss of local 'Persian Palace' kebab shop

Trump to try Hormuz Replacement Therapy

HS2mph

HS2 passengers will travel at replacement bus service speeds

Oil prices down as US finds an Iranian official to speak to who hasn't been killed yet

Doctor Luggage, Yoga Jail & Grown Up Baby-Girl Dog – NewsBiscuit Podcast 59

Tantamont Pictures presents Trump in 'The Chump in Washington'

Don't be silly, bouncing bombs are exempt, even when they kill 1,600 civilians

Predatory feral ferrets to be removed from island

Trumpworld through the looking glass

I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar

Epstein Island sold to Bond villain

Man successfully cooks something on smallest gas hob ring on cooker

Our annual for 2021-22

Trump making peace deal with his imaginary Iranian friend

'Hatzolah? I thought it was Hezbollah!' says Netanyahu

National Lottery unveils 'what will Trump do next?' game

First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park

Gen Z “more than capable of being offended by small, furry animals”

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz

Epstein slept in Tracey Emin’s bed