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Reform demands that Clacton polling stations remove all bins

Nigel Farage is fighting for his political career at the imminent by-election in Clacton. His main opponent is the loveable cartoon character Count Binface. Opinion polls show growing support for Count Binface, but both sides have dismissed these polls as ‘rubbish’. In the latest twist, Nigel Farage has made a long distance call to the Electoral Registrar in Clacton to demand the removal of all bins from polling stations on election day. He claims that seeing bins in or ne

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Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Andy Burnham has announced a dogging from home initiative in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption. Speaking to reporters Mr. Burnham said, 'With fuel prices spiralling ever upward this will save the average deviant somewhere in the region of two pounds-fifty per week. Once again we are going that extra mile to ensure doggers don't have to go even a single mile. Ron Jenkins, a well known "outdoor pursuit enthusiast" has cautiously welcomed the idea. "I've had to drive for mi

apepper

Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Nigel Farage has reported the 1979 new wave band XTC to the Metropolitan Police after discovering that Making Plans for Nigel contains his first name. Farage said the song had “clearly been lying dormant as a sleeper cell for nearly fifty years” before being activated by his recent social media activity. “They always deny it,” he explained. “First it’s an innocent pop song. Next thing you know, it’s awaiting instructions.” Counter-terrorism officers are now examining XTC’s ba

Fernandomando

Clacton voters confused by various versions of the Binface party

As widely reported, nearly everyone in Clacton is planning to vote Binface. However they are confused by the proliferation of bins, and on what day of the week they can turn out and vote for them. Do they vote for the People's Democratic Binface party (strange how left-wing, Marxist / Maoist / Trotskyist, or any other authoritarian party always calls itself 'democratic') or the Popular Binface Front (equally strange, how right-wing fascist / populist parties always call them

Titus

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Caption Competition 31st July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

WINNER Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit fernandomando RUNNERS UP Researchers prove Paul Hollywood’s sourdough starter has become self-aware fernandomando Scientists try to find a way to put the President's brain back in again robfalconer Isle of Wight scientists create cultural dessert fernandomando

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Breaking News

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Napoleonic Rabbits, Dashcam Dogging and Olympic Doodling-NewsBiscuit Podcast 63

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4VoOuvF1QayTaZkhnslYsR?si=n5Mb2YFsRbiPlpdASF8Pww https://youtu.be/h95x6phxXlY Comedy news from NewsBiscuit Featuring Guests: Chipchase, FlashArry and Sketchly Host: Wrenfoe. July-AUgust 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict, Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor.

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From the Archive

Presenters lined up to faint for all future TV debates

TV companies are working to arrange "fainting on cue" for future TV debates. A spokesman explained; "When you've got a pair of bell ends spouting nonsense, there's only so much that you can expect the audience to sit through. We got lucky with Kate McCann, but for future debates we're working on a scheme of employing people with blood pressure or diabetic issues. When we feel the debate should be stopped, we pipe Jacob Rees-Mogg fantasising about Brexit benefits into the pres

England fan admits the women's game is "the real thing"

After weeks of disappointedly saying "Oh, it's just birds" whenever he turned on the TV and saw the England women's team playing, football fan Dave Concrete has grudgingly admitted that the women's game might be the real thing after all. This change of heart is thought to have come when he realised the England women's team were doing rather well, and were in fact more likely than their male counterparts to win a tournament anytime soon. However, this newfound respect for the

Advertising Standards Authority takes British Military to task

After years of adverts tempting children to "Join The Professionals", the ASA is dismayed to find videos circulating on the Interweb, showing a fat b*stard who was sacked from every job he ever had for unprofessional behaviour, wearing an army uniform on manoeuvres and making out he could fly a fighter jet. "It's a disgrace that the advertising community promoted the notion that the military only have professionals, when clearly the military will accept any oiks", said chairm

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Politics

Reform demands that Clacton polling stations remove all bins

Clacton voters confused by various versions of the Binface party

Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Government to issue rain guidance to primary schools

The Government is to issue rain guidance to primary schools as the country’s longest spell of hot weather since the Great Sweat of 1858 continues. The information, both online and in print, will counter what the Government calls the ‘high levels of weather illiteracy’, particularly around rain. 'There are children in London and the southeast who have never experienced rain,' said the Government’s climate change officer Dr Ann Orak. 'They’re eight or nine and essentially don’t

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.

Open AI plays down 'rogue' incident

The Newsbiscuit Editorial Team would like to welcome our new robot overlords. Our only request that our inevitable liquidation is both quick and painless.

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Viewing the Odyssey is a journey that’s more grim than Burnham's North

It was with great trepidation I set foot in the cinema. The journey leading to this moment had be difficult. Hoards of tourists were occupying the kingdom of Leicester Square, drinking and eating all the available food and cola, each laying claim to their only object of desire, a ticket to Odyssey. They lay about, cursing and shouting, minor scuffles broke near the ticket office as each applied to be a suitor to the prize, but each in turn was rejected. They had all failed to

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Reform demands that Clacton polling stations remove all bins

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Clacton voters confused by various versions of the Binface party

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 31st July 2026

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Andy Burnham adopts Keir Starmer's 'difficult decisions' catchphrase

Origami specialists called in to repair paper factory damaged in Japan earthquake

Story about Saltburn cricket cheats dismissed as clickbait

Football to be floated on Footsy

Tate brothers to be imprisoned in Rothko room in their gallery to add to sentence misery

Pride month flotilla blocked by Straits of Hormuz

Leopard playing hide and seek is spotted

Goodies: Goody Goody gone gone

Napoleonic Rabbits, Dashcam Dogging and Olympic Doodling-NewsBiscuit Podcast 63

Roman die found at Hadrian's Wall

Gianni Infantino to be questioned over Trump ties

Trump experiences his 'Get Carter' moment

Travel narrowing the mind

Presenters lined up to faint for all future TV debates

England fan admits the women's game is "the real thing"

Advertising Standards Authority takes British Military to task

Our annual for 2021-22

Reform demands that Clacton polling stations remove all bins

Clacton voters confused by various versions of the Binface party

Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Government to issue rain guidance to primary schools

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

Open AI plays down 'rogue' incident

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Viewing the Odyssey is a journey that’s more grim than Burnham's North