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Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election

Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will cont

Arborio Mulling

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen. An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer footba

Wrenfoe

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen. 'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything. ”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.' Reports say the native

eppursimuove

'No 10 North' revealed to be Wallace and Gromit’s house

The much vaunted 'No 10 North', from which likely Prime Minister Andy Burnham hopes to rebalance power across the country, turns out to be the familiar house lived in by the beloved characters Wallace and Gromit. Every morning, Burnham will be tipped out of bed and straight into his clothes, while his Deputy Prime Minister puts the kettle on and activates the “toastomatic” for their breakfast. Burnham will then leave the house in a van painted with the slogan 'Power devolved

eppursimuove

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 3rd July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

WINNER There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out. sydalg RUNNERRS UP The team were delighted when David got a letter confirming the world record for the longest forearm mcdabble Choose your own Dystopian Future with Center Parcs - military compound joe The three MPs stopped smiling the second they realised that Sir Keir's resignation letter was a fake robfalconer The script says,they all grin like in a toothpaste ad, so let's practise that ti

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

WINNER After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm robfalconer RUNNERS UP The good days when a farmer and his wife could have a laugh with the bike the EU paid for. tonymc Jane didn't realise that quads had no gearstick. But Dave knew what she was holding Sinnick "Of course we're entitled to disability benefits. We've got this mobility scooter, see?" jeremynh

Breaking News

Man who combined laxatives with laughing gas said he did it for sh!ts and giggles

Wimbledon Final could end up in Court

I've just bought a wrecking ball at a knock down price

For you, Fritz, the VAR is over

Mein Gott! Deutschland verliert ze penalty shootout

Every Pothole to get a Postcode

Brits set Wimbledon record - 9 out on day 1

Ben Stokes Now Free for Bar Room Bust-Ups Every Night

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

There's money to be made from podcasting, if you have the space for a studio

Burnham: 'Westminster politics is stuck in a rut'

Labour starts training for the Burnham bounce

Burnham intends to 'rewire' the British State

From the Archive

MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'. Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hamps

If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris

Boris Johnson is "powerfully attracted" to the idea of Vladimir Putin as a woman, an aide to the UK Prime Minister suggested today. 'Forget Ukraine, I'd be invading Vladimira! he was reputed to have muttered, applying a blonde wig filter to news photos of the Russian President on his phone while waiting to speak at a press conference at the NATO summit in Madrid. 'Boris was complaining that there aren't enough women at these summits,' said the aide, 'especially after the prim

£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'

A comparative study of energy sources by the Federation Researching Economic Zero-net Energy (FREEZE) has found that the cheapest source of fuel for most homes is £10 notes. 'It was not that much of a surprise,' explained Professor Ron Jenkins of Clacton University. 'I suspected it might be the case when my car's insurance went up two bands after filling it with petrol. All the same, the cost per kilowatt from the new government approved money burning stove represent quite a

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Politics

Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Buck House admits King uses same accountant as Derek Trotter

A representative of King Charles has admitted the monarch uses the same accountancy firm as Peckham entrepreneur Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter. Accounts show the monarch paid £12.9m in taxes from income largely generated by strong sales of Trevor Francis track suits and discount carpet tiles. King Charles is thought to be worth around £1.6bn, but annual royal reports reveal that deductions for overheads and expenses reduce his income tax bill to that of someone on income support. A

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Iran offers to shut Reflecting Pool

After their success with the Strait of Hormuz, Iran said it would be happy to assist President Trump with his next humiliating U-turn. Obviously, each reflects things back slightly distorted, whether it’s the Washington Monument or the entire concept of geopolitics. And both could, in theory, be described as strategically shallow but symbolically deep. They have an alarming tendency to become the centre of global attention despite being, at heart, just… water doing very litt

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Local News

Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

'No 10 North' revealed to be Wallace and Gromit’s house

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

'No 10 North' revealed to be Wallace and Gromit’s house

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 3rd July 2026

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

Man who combined laxatives with laughing gas said he did it for sh!ts and giggles

Wimbledon Final could end up in Court

I've just bought a wrecking ball at a knock down price

For you, Fritz, the VAR is over

Mein Gott! Deutschland verliert ze penalty shootout

Every Pothole to get a Postcode

Brits set Wimbledon record - 9 out on day 1

Ben Stokes Now Free for Bar Room Bust-Ups Every Night

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

There's money to be made from podcasting, if you have the space for a studio

Burnham: 'Westminster politics is stuck in a rut'

Labour starts training for the Burnham bounce

Burnham intends to 'rewire' the British State

MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris

£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'

Our annual for 2021-22

Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Buck House admits King uses same accountant as Derek Trotter

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Iran offers to shut Reflecting Pool

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

'No 10 North' revealed to be Wallace and Gromit’s house