Classic News:

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The News before it happens

Trump made chief of the Ramblers

A spokes-blitherer blithered 'We've inducted the President of the USA into the Ramblers and promoted him to chief - because he's proving himself to be one of the most persistent ramblers of modern times.'

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Wildlife release causes international incident

For the first time in 400 years, a family of beavers have been released into the Strait of Hormuz. Nothing funny about beavers. No sir.

bartleby

Goat girl Melania denies everything

'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.

Jeremynh

The Ceasefire to end all Ceasefires

The White House has boasted that Trump's ceasefire is so comprehensive that people can keep fighting without disrupting it - no matter how many bombs Israel drops, it cannot shatter the peace and tranquillity of the President's vision. His spokeswoman confirmed: 'The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. Now, let's kick some ass!'

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 17th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

Winner: APepper Runners-Up: "Car boot sale curated by Tate gallery." (SirLupus); "New Ryanair-IKEA partnership requires passengers to assemble plane before take-off." (Sydalg).

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Winner; Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Trump announces new presidential seal." (APepper); "Incredibly small man fights off slug." (MrQ).

Breaking News

Brent Crude to be offered in 2026 limited edition mini-barrels

Putin loses Hungarian election

Viktor becomes Loser

J D Vance 'I have in my hand a piece of paper ...... it's a return ticket'

GB News: immigrants caused Eamonn Holmes's stroke

All of the Grand National horses claim 'I am Maximus'

Mandelson prime suspect in new leak inquiry

Trump insists Iran must welcome Jesus into their Heart

Features

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk... Over by Easter An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1 Over a Barrel Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter,

Sir Lupus

Cartoons

Trump's worst nightmare

Diplomacy: Strait talking

On the phone from Islamabad ...

Meanwhile, in a field somewhere ...

From the Archive

Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies

Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers. The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparentl

Johnson only visited Kyiv to scope out local tax laws

Boris Johnson recently visited Ukraine to determine its suitability as somewhere for Tory cabinet ministers and their spouses to be domiciled but obviously not to live. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'The Channel and Cayman Islands are a bit passé these days. For elite tax dodging, you've got to start hitting war zones. If you get caught, you disguise it as a photo op with a younger, more charismatic, more popular leader and donate them some weapons.' 'Alternatively

Chancellor makes all taxes optional

In a surprise announcement Chancellor Rishi Sunak has said that as of Monday, all taxes will be optional. "This expands our existing policies", explained Mr Sunak. "Up until now, optional taxes were available to the Royal family, my wife and other very rich people but now, people will be able to choose whether or not to pay taxes." The new policy has experienced some teething problems; with long queues at shops as customers debate whether they have to pay VAT. Chris Grayling

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Wildlife release causes international incident

For the first time in 400 years, a family of beavers have been released into the Strait of Hormuz. Nothing funny about beavers. No sir.

Goat girl Melania denies everything

'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.

Been Mis-sold Your Dreams? You could be owed thousands £££

Jenny (42) won almost £3,000 in compensation from the Enid Blyton Estate after we proved that she had been mis sold a life involving ginger beer, missing scientists and improbable adventures on Scottish islands.

KIA launches ‘The Starmer’: The first SUV that refuses to take a side of the road

SEOUL — KIA has today unveiled its most cautious vehicle to date: The Starmer. Designed for the driver who wants to project an image of "Sensible Competence" while going in circles, the car is already being hailed as a breakthrough in indecisive engineering.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching

Sport
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Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump made chief of the Ramblers

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Wildlife release causes international incident

Goat girl Melania denies everything

The Ceasefire to end all Ceasefires

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 17th April

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Brent Crude to be offered in 2026 limited edition mini-barrels

Putin loses Hungarian election

Viktor becomes Loser

J D Vance 'I have in my hand a piece of paper ...... it's a return ticket'

GB News: immigrants caused Eamonn Holmes's stroke

All of the Grand National horses claim 'I am Maximus'

Mandelson prime suspect in new leak inquiry

Trump insists Iran must welcome Jesus into their Heart

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

Trump's worst nightmare

Diplomacy: Strait talking

On the phone from Islamabad ...

Meanwhile, in a field somewhere ...

Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies

Johnson only visited Kyiv to scope out local tax laws

Chancellor makes all taxes optional

Our annual for 2021-22

Wildlife release causes international incident

Goat girl Melania denies everything

Been Mis-sold Your Dreams? You could be owed thousands £££

KIA launches ‘The Starmer’: The first SUV that refuses to take a side of the road

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters