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The News before it happens

An important message from your water company – stop using water!

The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.

Scribbles

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

First his wife, now Andy Burnham’s female neighbours to be criticised for their dress sense

Andy Burnham's neighbours in Warrington are receiving fashion guidance to ensure that anybody in close proximity to the new PM meets the approval of online harridans.

Sully

The Art of the Deal - Volume 2

Ace deal maker and definitely not a loser Donald Trump is working to fix the Iran War. 'It's just about making a deal,' said the President in a rare moment of lucidity on waking from his late afternoon nap.

deskpilot

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Sully

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 24th July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

WINNER Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him. sirlupus RUNNERS UP A Norton 360 VPN, and we're back on Porn Hub baby! custardcream Is it weird that we can direct air strikes on Iran like this? jeremynh Heartwarming scene as two children create cherished memories for Apple’s shareholders. fernandomando Hey! There's instructions on this website for how to take a backpack OFF. writinginbsl Children watch in delight as Andy Burnham announces

Breaking News

Burnham asks new cabinet: 'does anyone have any ideas?'

Burnham clapped in - Starmer clapped-out

Man has replanted his garden. There was no fuchsia in it

Keegan crosses

Laxative addict thinks he has Assperger's syndrome

Trump insists Bone Spurs kept him out of US soccer team

Wife who fell down wishing-well now recovering in Well Woman Clinic

Chef plays down kitchen fire as just a flash in the pan

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Andy's New Cabinet

PM Andy B works the crowd

Front bench job for Larry?

Considerate KC 3 offers Andy B the job

From the Archive

Liz Truss asks Labour on how to sabotage your own election

The Forde report has proven that Labour's right wing deliberately destroyed their chances of election victory, something Liz Truss has only managed to achieve by accident. An aide remarked: 'Labour officials worked tirelessly at sabotage, whereas our Liz only needs to stare vacantly at the camera, while she shouts something unintelligible about cheese. 'Ideally we'd like to be Machiavellian but Liz is barely Mac 'n' Cheese. Just by drawing breath, she can take 10% off your po

Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss find a fridge large enough for both egos

Following on from the success story that was Boris Johnson, the two people most likely to succeed him have borrowed his campaigning skills by hiding, presumably in a fridge. 'You can't blame me,' Mr Sunak is understood to have told someone who wasn't a TV interviewer, 'It's very hot outside, and hotter under scrutiny.' Ms Truss is believed to be very concerned about cheese and didn't actually know why she was there, anyway, which suggests business as usual. Woman Fridge Ref

Met Office issues "boring weather" warning for most of year

Following a winter of storm warnings and a summer of heat wave alerts, the Met Office has today announced a series of warnings of "depressingly underwhelming" weather covering the entire rest of the year. Apart from a few more furnace-like heat waves, most of the summer is classed as "fair to middling". The autumn is forecast to be " dull, damp and slightly dismal", and the winter "tediously cold, but then again not that bad". "Brits run the risk of running out of weather wor

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

First his wife, now Andy Burnham’s female neighbours to be criticised for their dress sense

Andy Burnham's neighbours in Warrington are receiving fashion guidance to ensure that anybody in close proximity to the new PM meets the approval of online harridans.

The Art of the Deal - Volume 2

An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Fire Brigade called to release family trapped in Escher exhibition

The emergency services were called to the Escher exhibition at Somerset House on London’s Embankment this week to free a family from Guilford who had become trapped in the staircase leading from the ground-floor up to what they thought was the first floor, only it turned out to be the ground-floor again which led – how can it? – back down but also up to the ground-floor again where they found themselves going down and also up – again! – to the basement? oh this is hopeless, M

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Ryanair announces new perks

'Fresh air is a rare commodity and we're proud to be the first airline to offer this,' said a Ryanair spokesman, 'and at only £7 it's a steal,' he added. 'We accept there are less dramatic ways of achieving this and are actively retrofitting hinges and release mechanisms under the control of cabin staff. This does not include sticking your head out to get a better view, obviously. That's £5 extra', he said. image from Google Gemini Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscu

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

The sound of champagne corks popping at Wimbledon can annoy the people trying to play the tennis. Watching tennis is thirsty work because of the heat, and the long games, and it's very sweaty when they close the roof. So it's understandable that spectators are keen to snag a couple of magnums of Moet, or Bolly. Or to sneak in a bottle of Waitrose ornery. The All England Tennis Club is dealing with a number of complaints about popping corks from players. They say that it's har

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations.

Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup

Thousands of fat, middle-aged, white racists are devastated that following the conclusion of England's World Cup campaign, their England flags will either have to come down, or they'll have to admit they're racists.

Sport
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Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

First his wife, now Andy Burnham’s female neighbours to be criticised for their dress sense

The Art of the Deal - Volume 2

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 24th July 2026

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

Burnham asks new cabinet: 'does anyone have any ideas?'

Burnham clapped in - Starmer clapped-out

Man has replanted his garden. There was no fuchsia in it

Keegan crosses

Laxative addict thinks he has Assperger's syndrome

Trump insists Bone Spurs kept him out of US soccer team

Wife who fell down wishing-well now recovering in Well Woman Clinic

Chef plays down kitchen fire as just a flash in the pan

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Andy's New Cabinet

PM Andy B works the crowd

Front bench job for Larry?

Considerate KC 3 offers Andy B the job

Liz Truss asks Labour on how to sabotage your own election

Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss find a fridge large enough for both egos

Met Office issues "boring weather" warning for most of year

Our annual for 2021-22

First his wife, now Andy Burnham’s female neighbours to be criticised for their dress sense

The Art of the Deal - Volume 2

An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Fire Brigade called to release family trapped in Escher exhibition

Ryanair announces new perks

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup