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The News before it happens

British Medical Association Rebrands HQ as Workhouse Following Staff Pay Strike

LONDON – In a move described as "refreshingly traditional," the British Medical Association has responded to its staff's strike action by installing a row of spinning jennies in the accounts department and replacing the staff canteen with a single, communal bucket of lukewarm gruel.

scottfutile

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Trump begins devouring own children

In a surprise move, US President Donald Trump has begun devouring his own children after learning from his Greek Myths and Legends colouring-in book, that the ancient Greek Titan, Kronos, did the same thing to avoid being killed and overthrown by one of his kids.

Danny Soz

Lee Anderson – blink twice if you need help

We’re growing concerned about Lee’s welfare. It’s like a scene from Tom Brown’s schooldays or Lord of The Flies. Or maybe the first act of The Devil Wears Prada but with an oafish ex-miner instead of Anne Hathaway . . . no, that doesn’t work, and I’ve got the two images stuck together now. That’s a good w*nk ruined.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize

"No one ever made a better ceasefire deal than this," bragged Trump to reporters during his one-man victory parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 10th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Winner; Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Trump announces new presidential seal." (APepper); "Incredibly small man fights off slug." (MrQ).

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Team of linguists work to translate Trump speech into English." (APepper); "Eight accountancy students discuss how best to split the bill in Nando's." (Midfield Diamond).

Breaking News

Farage : Ban hate speech and we would have no party

Trump's lawyers checking if Melania's speech was start of divorce proceedings

Boots on the ground still up in the air

Ceasefire not worth the paper it isn't written on

The new Trump experiment: How hard are Greenland Inuit, on a scale of Venezuela to Iran?

Trump's truce won't slow genocide plans, confirms Satanyahu

Arthur Daley passes Reform UK vetting checks

Peace deal: Israel asks 'can we still kill Palestinians?'

Features

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk... Over by Easter An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1 Over a Barrel Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter,

Sir Lupus

Cartoons

In the epicentre of financial fraud, one name regularly crops up

Lidl to build its first pub in East Belfast

A curious child

Farage's plans to bring employment to Clacton

From the Archive

'Why can't we re-name our planets?' asks Isle of Wight man

' 'If chocolate bars like Marathon can be re-named, why can't planets?' asked Martin Ambleside from Shanklin, during a book signing by TV's mega astronomer Professor Brian Cox. 'We've got Mars, which is fine. So why can't we have Crunchie, Picnic, Topic, Yorkie, Caramac and Aero in place of Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune?' suggested Mr. Ambleside amid laughter form people in the queue. The question seemed to take the ever-smiling super stargazer by surp

Universities Pension Scheme to invest directly in shit

The Universities Superannuation Scheme (USS) manages the pension arrangements of around 400,000 university staff and it owns 20% of the shares in Thames Water. Thames Water is ‘under financial stress’, which is insider speak for ‘basket case’. It has not paid a dividend since 2017 and is increasingly looking like a bad bet for pension fund money. The investment committee at USS admits that it has received generous dividends from the company in the past and that investing in w

Some war crimes are more 'crimey' than others

With alleged massacres in the Ukraine, the US was quick to label it a war crime, as it takes one to know one: 'Admittedly we've always said the ICC has no jurisdiction and we'd invade the Hague if they investigated our own war crimes, but you know...that was last year and...um...stuff...you know?' With none of the key members of the UN Security Council actual signatories to the ICC, it makes it a little hard to cry wolf when you have been called Wolfy McWolfFace. The US insi

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Politics

Lee Anderson – blink twice if you need help

British Medical Association Rebrands HQ as Workhouse Following Staff Pay Strike

Trump begins devouring own children

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

In a miracle worthy of Jesus himself, 9 year old Simon Johnson of Milton Keynes still has 5 unopened Easter Eggs.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

British Medical Association Rebrands HQ as Workhouse Following Staff Pay Strike

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Trump begins devouring own children

Lee Anderson – blink twice if you need help

Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 10th April

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Farage : Ban hate speech and we would have no party

Trump's lawyers checking if Melania's speech was start of divorce proceedings

Boots on the ground still up in the air

Ceasefire not worth the paper it isn't written on

The new Trump experiment: How hard are Greenland Inuit, on a scale of Venezuela to Iran?

Trump's truce won't slow genocide plans, confirms Satanyahu

Arthur Daley passes Reform UK vetting checks

Peace deal: Israel asks 'can we still kill Palestinians?'

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

In the epicentre of financial fraud, one name regularly crops up

Lidl to build its first pub in East Belfast

A curious child

Farage's plans to bring employment to Clacton

'Why can't we re-name our planets?' asks Isle of Wight man

Universities Pension Scheme to invest directly in shit

Some war crimes are more 'crimey' than others

Our annual for 2021-22

Lee Anderson – blink twice if you need help

British Medical Association Rebrands HQ as Workhouse Following Staff Pay Strike

Trump begins devouring own children

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters