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Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.

scottfutile

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize

"No one ever made a better ceasefire deal than this," bragged Trump to reporters during his one-man victory parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Jeremynh

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.

eppursimuove

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 10th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Winner; Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Trump announces new presidential seal." (APepper); "Incredibly small man fights off slug." (MrQ).

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Team of linguists work to translate Trump speech into English." (APepper); "Eight accountancy students discuss how best to split the bill in Nando's." (Midfield Diamond).

Breaking News

Ceasefire not worth the paper it isn't written on

The new Trump experiment: How hard are Greenland Inuit, on a scale of Venezuela to Iran?

Trump's truce won't slow genocide plans, confirms Satanyahu

Arthur Daley passes Reform UK vetting checks

Peace deal: Israel asks 'can we still kill Palestinians?'

Student loan interest capped at 'still too high'

Calls to rehab Hitler after learning he was bipolar

Families stay up late to watch first war crime on TV

Features

Horoscopes for April 2026, by Stargazy Phil

Aries You will go to bed expecting WW3 will happen in your sleep; and that you'll wake up dead, however the Today programme will reveal that Trump was full of crap and his threats were as hollow as his head. Taurus Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest. Gemini Your best professions are PR and hermits. Your adversaries are journalists, TV executives, family members and the public.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

A curious child

Farage's plans to bring employment to Clacton

Artemis crew observe Terminator on far side of the moon

Today, in Dystopia Avenue, SW15

From the Archive

Universities Pension Scheme to invest directly in shit

The Universities Superannuation Scheme (USS) manages the pension arrangements of around 400,000 university staff and it owns 20% of the shares in Thames Water. Thames Water is ‘under financial stress’, which is insider speak for ‘basket case’. It has not paid a dividend since 2017 and is increasingly looking like a bad bet for pension fund money. The investment committee at USS admits that it has received generous dividends from the company in the past and that investing in w

Some war crimes are more 'crimey' than others

With alleged massacres in the Ukraine, the US was quick to label it a war crime, as it takes one to know one: 'Admittedly we've always said the ICC has no jurisdiction and we'd invade the Hague if they investigated our own war crimes, but you know...that was last year and...um...stuff...you know?' With none of the key members of the UN Security Council actual signatories to the ICC, it makes it a little hard to cry wolf when you have been called Wolfy McWolfFace. The US insi

Venomous reptile on plane just Suella returning from Rwanda

A very scary cold-blooded creature discovered on an aeroplane flying over Africa turned out to be the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman. It is thought that the slithering serpent boarded the plane in Rwanda and thankfully disembarked without sinking those vicious fangs into anyone aboard the flight. The pilot was dismissive of claims that he was a hero, however. ‘I just tried to keep calm and make sure everyone got off that plane safely’, he said . ‘I have no idea what I’d ha

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Politics

Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize

"No one ever made a better ceasefire deal than this," bragged Trump to reporters during his one-man victory parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Britain's Largest Trireme Sets Off For The Med

The Ministry of Defence announced today that, despite criticism from President Trump our largest and best-equipped trireme, the HMS Jolly Matelot, would be pulling out of its home port of Hunstanton, just as soon as its Captain, Andrew Moistbottom-Wonder is available from his hectic routine of horse-riding and, well, more horse-riding.

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

In a miracle worthy of Jesus himself, 9 year old Simon Johnson of Milton Keynes still has 5 unopened Easter Eggs.

High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Following the total disappearance of physical branches and the ongoing 'unexpected downtime' of mobile apps, the banking sector has announced its most innovative transition yet: Pre-Cognitive Wealth Management.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching

Sport
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Entertainment

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 10th April

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Ceasefire not worth the paper it isn't written on

The new Trump experiment: How hard are Greenland Inuit, on a scale of Venezuela to Iran?

Trump's truce won't slow genocide plans, confirms Satanyahu

Arthur Daley passes Reform UK vetting checks

Peace deal: Israel asks 'can we still kill Palestinians?'

Student loan interest capped at 'still too high'

Calls to rehab Hitler after learning he was bipolar

Families stay up late to watch first war crime on TV

Horoscopes for April 2026, by Stargazy Phil

A curious child

Farage's plans to bring employment to Clacton

Artemis crew observe Terminator on far side of the moon

Today, in Dystopia Avenue, SW15

Universities Pension Scheme to invest directly in shit

Some war crimes are more 'crimey' than others

Venomous reptile on plane just Suella returning from Rwanda

Our annual for 2021-22

Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize

Britain's Largest Trireme Sets Off For The Med

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters