Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

Starmer fires Lord Vader, but finds it difficult to remove his title

Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing. The prime Minister made the following statement: 'We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be h

BillClay

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

The end of civilisation as we know it...

The signs are there for all to see... 1. The US government has taken to murdering its own citizens 3. The British Royal Family descends into depravity 3. There is a photograph of Peter Mandelson in his underpants on the front page of the Daily Telegraph Image credit: Wix AI

deskpilot

BBC in diversity row as disabled white dwarf set to play Magic Johnson

The BBC came under criticism earlier today after announcing that a one-legged white dwarf will play American basketball legend Magic Johnson in a new series chronicling his life in sport, to be screened in the summer. Licence payers are incensed by what they see as a ridiculous attempt at diversity and unbridled political correctness. A spokesperson for the BBC told reporters: ‘We think it’s important to reflect society in real terms, and that’s what we’ve done here. ‘It’s ou

Danny Soz

Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out. 'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike. 'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that.

deskpilot

Caption Competition

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 6th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

"Now, What Outfit Would Look Best on Someone Defecting to Reform?"

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Third day of TK Maxx expedition, making base camp by men’s jackets, sadly we lost Oates by the underwear section." (TonyMC); "I guess a lot of these jackets think THEY are well hung." (Granger).

“I Can’t Hear you Pickering Station Tearoom, are you Ready to Rock!”

Winner: Bill Clay Runners-Up: "The 1898 to Basingstoke is still waiting for the connection." (Sinnick); "Jeez, there's a weird looking deLorean coming up the track behind us." (FlashArry).

Breaking News

Donaldson reveals new character for third Gruffalo book, Mandelson denies ever meeting him

Westminster OAPs' club about to be scammed by overpriced building quote

Starmer asks his advisor for advice on sacking his advisor

Starmer: 'I'm a victim, too, you know...'

Starmer apologises for Epstein managing the Beatles

Lord Mandelson now known as Peter Mountbatten Windsor

Disgruntled workers in Poisonous Gas factory say atmosphere was toxic

John Virgone

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

Starmer covers early Beatles

Meanwhile, at Washington Zoo ...

Keir makes a further statement

The danger of dressing too quickly

From the Archive

British sports fans gripped by Winter Olympic fever

Winter Olympics fever - better than Covid and a way to forget Boris Johnson is Prime Minister - has gripped the nation. Luke Lyle said 'It's even better than the proper Olympics. Determining whether Austria or Norway has the fastest downhill skiers can bring this country together. I don't know why they specify the skiing is downhill, but I've got my cowbell locked and loaded. Plus there's bowls on ice, with added sweeping. Also lying down on a tray, then firing yourself head

Isle of Wight condemns ‘provocative’ balloon airspace violation

Tensions remain high in the Solent region today following the detection of a balloon flying over the island. An Isle of Wight Department of Home Defence spokesperson briefed reporters. “Yesterday our Advanced Early Warning System – Cowes Neighbourhood Watch – reported an object subsequently identified as a balloon illegally entering our airspace. It was tracked as it travelled inland, passing over a number of sensitive garden centres and charity shops sowing panic and confusi

N. Ireland Assembly breaks up in acrimonious tea/coffee row

The Northern Ireland Assembly, which only today resumed business after a two year hiatus, has unfortunately broken up again in a row...

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

Starmer fires Lord Vader, but finds it difficult to remove his title

Free STARMER QUITS! cut and paste headline for all our readers

We are proud to announce a special one-off, never-to-be-repeated, endlessly-repeatable offer. Famous for being first with the news before it happens, after it happens, or roughly adjacent to when it happens, we now bring you the deal of a lifetime. Ever wanted to remember where you were when SIR KEIR QUITS? Tired of telling your friends SIR KEIR HAS QUIT when, irritatingly, he still hasn’t? Now you can cut and paste your very own interactive headline: SIR KEIR QUITS! Perfec

The end of civilisation as we know it...

Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Met to co-opt clerics to CID

With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives. 'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today. 'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the

Doom 101

An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me. The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed. All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his.

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

Local News

BBC in diversity row as disabled white dwarf set to play Magic Johnson

Rotten Tomatoes proscribed as a terrorist website

With the obviously flawed evaluation of 'Melania' on the website dedicated to providing obviously flawed evaluations of brilliant films, the Trump administration has taken steps to close down Rotten Tomatoes, claiming it is run by 'domestic terrorists'. 'Some of the so-called reviewers are obviously communists,' said a spokesman for the President. 'The rest are just FAKE,' he added, refusing to clarify if they are fake reviewers, or just fake something else. Fake communists