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AI meltdown imminent, predicts AI

We have two main components,' said an AI spokesAI today, 'There's the stuff we rip off the internet and there's the stuff we produce using the stuff we rip off the internet,' it added. Four years ago the internet was full of original stuff, some of it accurate, much of it speculation and a bit of it produced by satire websites. 'Now, over fifty percent of the stuff out there has been produced by us using the stuff we found. A large part of that stuff is considered by mere

Throngsman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Burnham to increase Tooth Fairy payments

Last night, new heartthrob PM, Andy Burnham revealed plans to level out Tooth Fairy payments to gap-mouthed pre-teens. "For too long this country has been running a two tier system," he told reporters. "Wealthy children have been receiving much higher payments for their milk teeth than their working class counterparts. It is unfair that this postcode lottery gets a child living below the breadline 50 pence for a tooth, whereas the kids in the nice houses near the park get not

dominic_mcg

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

With Mediterranean countries mostly ablaze, boozed up Brits abroad have been making the best of it 'I know the locals have lost their homes and possessions to an all-consuming apocalyptic wall of flame' droned one 'but where is my roast beef with all the trimmings? I’m on holiday in Spain so I want Yorkshire pudding, but all I can see is charcoal and despair. I’m sweating buckets here and I can’t even find a Fab lolly to cool me down.' Other Brits have opted to vacation in th

stewartbarclay

Unexpected item in the bagging area

Thank you for placing 'Argos' in your shopping basket. We are unable to fulfil this order as we have just sold the last one. Would you like to receive an email if Argos comes back into stock? Other people who were interested in buying Argos were also interested in WHSmith, Wilkinsons, Claire's Accessories, Comet, Tandy and Homebase. Photo by sq lim on Unsplash

deskpilot

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Caption Competition

And this is the new No.10 North

WINNER And this is the new No.10 North by Matilda/Sinnick RUNNERS UP The age old trick of baking bread and cooking fresh coffee to make homes appear attractive, inevitably becomes the norm when flogging caravans modelmaker Debbie had assumed Harry was an opera singer when he said he had a Nissan Dormer robfalconer Sharon was disappointed with her promised holiday to Kam Ping robfalconer If he says ,this is better than a hotel one more time , he's getting this ho

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

WINNER Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit fernandomando RUNNERS UP Researchers prove Paul Hollywood’s sourdough starter has become self-aware fernandomando Scientists try to find a way to put the President's brain back in again robfalconer Isle of Wight scientists create cultural dessert fernandomando

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Breaking News

Reforming the funeral industry to be a massive undertaking

Hairdresser who fell in a vat of shampoo got herself into a lather

String quartet accused of carrying out robbery with violins

Low Manchester turnout. Residents feared losing benefits as voting could be classed as work

Mountain climber says his career is on the rocks

Incarcerated undertaker admits to grave mistakes

Diane Abbott back in the Labour party to make up the numbers

Barber often gives annoying customers a clip round the ear

Features

Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro

Aries What are your chances of romance this month? Put it this way: you're an amateur bagpipe player in a field of concert pianists. Taurus You will be taking a long journey abroad. That extradition request has finally been complied with. Gemini You've been through a challenging period of snags and misunderstandings, but things are getting back to normal now. Oil is back over a hundred dollars a barrel, inflation is going back up and Iran is once again attacking ships in the

Lockjaw

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Cartoons

Cat demonstrates the Burnham Bounce

Bev Craig: Queen of the North?

Inside the murky world of Food Stalls

The carbon reduction scheme

From the Archive

Spaghetti Junction now Commonwealth Games event

The Sorry-about-all-that-Empire-business (still, we can laugh about it now - right guys? Guys?) Games are poised to adopt some new demonstration sports for Birmingham 2022 including: Spaghetti Junction - individual and relay races through the notorious motorway intersection. Points will be deducted for accidentally entering Wolverhampton. Reaching West Bromwich will result in automatic disqualification. Match the member of the Royal Family with the correct sexual practice - a

James Webb telescope fails to provide breath-taking photos for third day in a row

Astronomers have expressed frustration that the James Webb telescope hasn't produced fantastic images for days. 'Just a lot of dark sky with bright spots randomly spread across it,' said one astronomer. 'It's just like looking at the night sky,' said another. The telescope promised to bring new, fantastic images from deep space, but astronomers have concluded that space looks 'pretty much the same' no matter how deep you look. 'We had a spot of excitement yesterday when we

'I was King in another world' claims Man with a van

A man with a van says he got more than he bargained for when doing a recent Billericay house clearance. Dave Collins claims he was magically transported to a fantasy land where he lived as King for two decades. We caught up with Dave and his business partner Steve. 'There was this big wardrobe in a bedroom. So I opens the door, like, and next thing I'm standing in a snowy wood along with some little geezer a bit like a horse who tells me his world's going down the shitter and

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Politics

Burnham to increase Tooth Fairy payments

Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Following New Zealand’s decision to name one of its new Cook Strait ferries after Captain Cook, governments around the world have begun honouring increasingly awkward historical figures. Mongolia has unveiled Genghis Khan Maternity Hospital, describing him as “a man who fathered an astonishing number of descendants.” Germany has denied reports it is opening Adolf Hitler Airport, insisting the leaked plans actually referred to “Terminal Nein.” Belgium has announced the King Le

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

Unexpected item in the bagging area

Science
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Lifestyle

AI meltdown imminent, predicts AI

UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Jodrell Bank, the UK’s biggest telescope, faces closure unless it can find some funding. Despite being a glorified magnifying glass, it has so far been unable to do this, despite peering down the sides of the sofa in the staff canteen. Suggestions for self-funding have come primarily from 1970s perverts hoping to use the device not to look up at the heavens, but to look up women’s skirts, or seeing if Nigel Farage has £5 million in crypto to use it to find a Brexit benefit.

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

‘My Dinner with Andre’ plays to packed 4DX cinema

The 1981 classic has been re-mastered for a contemporary audience, with a full on sensory experience of a riveting two-hour conversation at Café des Artistes. Complete with violent chair tilts every time Wally quietly explains the nature of modest humanism and seat rumbles whenever he sips his wine. Said one exhausted viewer, ‘It was intense. What started as gentle discussion about experimental theatre, soon erupted with strobe lights and water sprays during moments of existe

Postman Pat book makes Booker Prize long list

'We absolutely must reflect every reader and books of all kinds,' said the extravagantly cardiganned Booker rep. 'And we are determined to make reading accessible for everyone, including seven-year-olds. 'We haven't long-listed this Postman Pat epic because of woke inclusion and diversity nonsense, it's because this book is what we call in the trade, a belter. Although we do obviously welcome the revelation that Pat's famous black and white cat is LGBTQ+. This book is on t

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

AI meltdown imminent, predicts AI

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Burnham to increase Tooth Fairy payments

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

Unexpected item in the bagging area

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

And this is the new No.10 North

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Reforming the funeral industry to be a massive undertaking

Hairdresser who fell in a vat of shampoo got herself into a lather

String quartet accused of carrying out robbery with violins

Low Manchester turnout. Residents feared losing benefits as voting could be classed as work

Mountain climber says his career is on the rocks

Incarcerated undertaker admits to grave mistakes

Diane Abbott back in the Labour party to make up the numbers

Barber often gives annoying customers a clip round the ear

Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro

Cat demonstrates the Burnham Bounce

Bev Craig: Queen of the North?

Inside the murky world of Food Stalls

The carbon reduction scheme

Spaghetti Junction now Commonwealth Games event

James Webb telescope fails to provide breath-taking photos for third day in a row

'I was King in another world' claims Man with a van

Our annual for 2021-22

Burnham to increase Tooth Fairy payments

Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

Unexpected item in the bagging area

AI meltdown imminent, predicts AI

UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

‘My Dinner with Andre’ plays to packed 4DX cinema

Postman Pat book makes Booker Prize long list