Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Nightmare on Elm Street star Freddie Kruger has become the latest character to defect to another horror franchise.

Kruger has been a symbol of fear since 1984.

"Elm Street is over," he told a press conference.

Kruger said he had been "honoured" to be asked to help scare the crap out of the British people and he hoped that Farage would be the next prime minister, because that would really do it.

He said: "There have been moments when I have been very proud to belong to people's nightmares", but added: "The world is so frightening now it is getting more and more difficult.

"Better phone coverage, disused campsites being developed into housing, damp cellars and abandoned cottages turning into AirB&Bs all make it more difficult for ordinary people to be led to the slaughter."

He added: "This is my tragic conclusion, the nightmare is over, it is just not scary any more."

Kruger said he had "great regard" for Badenoch. “The Tory party has done well to create such a toxic brand, but it could be worse. Far worse. If the British public want to sh*t themselves every time they turn on the TV there is only one choice, and that is Nigel Farage and The Reform Party”.

Image:https://pixabay.com/users/mariad42530-5301600/

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Coming Soon: Stephen King’s Autumn Statement

Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.

The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.

Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers.  Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.

‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.

‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere.  It's all around you.  Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do.  If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.

‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.

Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment.  

Image credit: perchance AI

Stephen King writes “Carrie” sequel, “Meghan”

Horror writer Stephen King has written an unexpected sequel to his 1970s hit “Carrie”.

Entitled “Meghan”, it tells the tale of a needy and vulnerable young woman who finally snaps when pushed beyond her limits.

For most of the book, we’re encouraged to hope things will turn out well for her, as she presents an aspirational lifestyle show about her life in the exclusive California enclave of Montecito, alongside some ginger git who bumbles around in the background looking confused, but in the end just goes along with whatever the hell she’s doing now.

However, the third act climax comes when she reads online reviews and comments, finding the show hasn’t brought her the acceptance she craves, just more mockery and humiliation.

Bewildered and enraged, Meghan rampages through the organic delis and traditional craft markets of Montecito, snapping the pencil-thin necks of anorexic women with whom she was only yesterday sharing recipes for a refreshing and wholesome quinoa salad.

The final scene has her drenched from head to foot in macrobiotic goji berry smoothie, beating ladies who lunch to death with an authentic Shaker-style kitchen chair (very reasonably priced at only US$35,000).

Negotiations over possibly turning the book into a movie were interrupted by Meghan herself, who “just wanted to be proactive” in letting the producers know she’d be available to play herself.

”After all, I’ve gotta find something to do with my time. You think keeping bees and serving mimosas for brunch every day is really that fulfilling?”

image from pixabay