Canada to become associate member of Eurovision

Negotiations that would allow Canada to join Australia in a European singing competition have slowed, with concerns growing that Canada might alternate between Celine Dion and Justin Bieber on a never ending loop.

One European negotiator spoke on the condition of anonymity 'Near... far... wherever you are. Oh God, it's happening already. I think if the US ever invades Canada, they could just play that song on a loop until the American troops begin weeping and voluntarily leave.'

'If you combined that with some weaponised glitter canons, the Canadians could use 'My Heart will go on' as an offensive weapon, clearing a path to the White House before Mark Carney pushes Donald Trump off a door into the icy waters of the North Atlantic.'

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

As the world panics over "out of control" AI Trump rides to the rescue

As fears over AI running out of control and killing us all grow by the minute, a true hero has come forward to save the human race.

Speaking to reporters from inside his gold and jewel encrusted lair, Donald Trump said. 'All this stuff about AI going to kill us is fake news. People are overreacting. But in the unlikely event there is any truth in this woke garbage, just relax, word. Because I'm a smart president. Everyone says so. The smartest.  And I aced three kindergarten tests to prove it.

'No one knows more about AI or global crises than I do. Let's face it, I'm responsible for all the current ones. So if these robots do try any funny business we'll get our brave ICE agents to pour bleach over them. They won't like that and it'll knock them out in seconds. RFK and Pete Hegseth agree.

'So that's that. Carry on as normal. Now I gotta go and cheat at golf. Thank you for your attention to this matter.'

photo: NewsBiscuit Archive

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

Village votes to leave the UK

The Oxfordshire village of Piddington has voted to leave the UK because of the plan to house male asylum seekers nearby.

But would they become a principality without a prince, a kingdom without a king, or a country without any sort of leader?

'They are welcome to seek asylum in our great country, announced a world leader today.  'They can take over Canada.'

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here