Donald Trump is running on a Make America Cold Again platform in 2024, after his research has found a correlation between the number of words for snow and climate change. "Fact: the North Pole is cold because they have 21 words for snow there", he says, pointing to Antarctica on the map. "America is getting warmer because it has only one".
"Canada is a bit better than us", he continues. "It has two words - snow and what is it, neige? - so it's a bit colder. Hell, we can at least catch up with Canada". He will advise the UN Convention on Climate Change to set a target of 15 words for snow by 2030.
However, an Inuit spokesman says Mr Trump has it all wrong. "The reason we have so many words for snow is because our favourite book is Roget's Thesaurus", he reveals. "There's a copy in every igloo around here". He describes the former president's theory as "ridiculous, ludicrous, contemptible, risible, preposterous".
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