‘Bombing schools and shooting children is smart’ claims Trump

Sources close to former US President Donald Trump have said he has described the bombing of schools and shooting of children as ‘smart’ and says US politicians could learn a lesson or two from the Russian strong man ensconced in the Kremlin who gave the green light for butchering women and children in Ukraine.

Mr.Trump is thought to have said Mr. Putin would never allow an election to be rigged or stolen in his country and would have locked up anybody who threatened to stop him from holding free and fair elections.

The former US President is said to have said that is how American elections should be run in the future, once Republicans were back in power.

According to one source, Trump said that ‘Putin is savvy….he has gone into Ukraine to save the Ukrainian people from having a democratically elected government forced upon them. He is there to liberate them. This s why he is bombing apartment blocks and schools, cutting down women and children in the street and destroying cities.

'It is text book tactics and will soon win the hearts and minds of the Ukrainian people.....at least what is left of them. In fact, he would not actually allow an election to be held in the first place which would absolutely guarantee it could not be stolen.

'He’s a smart guy’.

Image: Pixabay/ralfskysegal

‘I didn’t shit myself, I sat in coffee’ claims Republican

A US Republican Senator filmed fleeing down a fire escape during last year’s storming of congress has stated that the brown spreading pattern clearly visible on the seat of his pants was ‘an accident with a faulty starbucks cup’, it was reported today.

‘I was in my office, relaxing against the desk and wondering what all the noise was when I felt a warm spreading sensation in the rear’ said the senator. ‘It was the intern’s latte, Those cups are meant to withstand a pressure of at least 150lb’. The senator declared that he only ran down the fire escape to try and dry himself off, and that he was considering suing the coffee company for reputational damages and dry cleaning bills.

‘Yes, I know you have footage of me declaring I’d never been so scared in my life, but then I’ve led a very sheltered life’, declared the senator. ‘Sitting on that coffee cup was literally the most scary thing that had ever happened to me up to that point. A baying mob calling for the overthrown of the state and waving guns around is nothing compared to a normal Trump rally’.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/cytis-1661754/

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God Endorses Kanye West, Refuses to Comment on Biden/Trump

Despite facing a busy day deciding which children in Africa will live past 12, God has decided to chime in on American politics and give his full endorsement to Kanye West.

The all mighty lord and saviour initially refused to comment on the Biden vs Trump race and proclaimed Kayne West is the only man capable of running the United States. This comes as no surprise as Kayne has previously stated 'I'm like a vessel, and God has chosen me to be the voice and the connector'.

West previously announced his campaign for presidency on July 4th. He stated he will run for the Birthday Party, because 'when we win, it's everybody's birthday'. West's campaign has been described as having a 'Republican leaning, pro-black religious platform', which is a perfect platform for the lord.

God said 'Kanye is the perfect man for the job because he doesn't think too well and does what I say'. God refused to comment on the Biden and Trump campaigns. Sources are saying God saw both of them doing unmentionable acts to women.

West, who is most famous for being a musical genius with lyrics like 'In a French ass restaurant, Hurry up with my damn croissants' and 'Brrat-tat-da-da-da-da Ga-ga-ga-ga' will have a difficult time securing the nations top spot after failing to get the required number of signature for several states.

Anything is possible in this election and with the backing of God the Kanye campaign just might stand a chance. When asked what he thought of Gods endorsement Kayne stated 'I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle'.

Image by Henryk Niestrój from Pixabay