A future Reform government will lobby the TV companies to put some decent telly on during the day. ‘I have been selflessly researching television programmes during the afternoons’, a tobacco-stained party leader told us. ‘And the choice is pretty poor. There’s some great stuff on there – classic shows like Only Fools and Horses – and some wonderful programmes showcasing Nazi engineering – but most of it is home renovation dross and Australians with metal detectors. ‘When I’m Prime Minister...

A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives. ‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’. Master race enthusiasts...

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from official...