Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays, with many not even suitable for a 10 part podcast.

In a bold move to modernise the Royal Family, plans have been drawn up to turn the entire institution into a data centre.

‘Thirty years ago the LibDems were a proper political party’ said Steve, a Liberal Democrat from Stoke. ‘People weren’t embarrassed to say they were LibDems. We had a decent number of MPs. I think we even had some policies. You could get laid – ok, we were 3rd choice but at least we were in the running’. That all seems like a distant dream. Giant pandas have more sex than LibDems now – which is ironic, given that the cause of their demise was the colossal shafting which David Cameron gave to...