"We figured that negotiations in Islamabad would go nowhere if left solely in the hands of witless Steve Witkoff and that idiot princeling, Jared Kushner," said a US State Department source. "That's why we've sent along a team of fake-tanned female TikTok influencers. I mean, why not give it a try? They've all made fortunes peddling snake oil to teenagers. Maybe they can sell a deal to the Iranians which will re-open the Strait of Hormuz." "Who are we meeting?" asked beauty products...

.

The Prime Minister is to reintroduce 2,000 year-old pagan religion to Britain and has already started by making the first human sacrifice. Prime Druid Sir Keir Starmer performed the Celtic-style ritual at the Despatch Box in the Commons on a pleasantly boring civil servant called Sir Olly Robbins. Starmer wished to appease the gods, having suffered terrible misfortunes after appointing Lord Mandelson as UK ambassador. "Those gods must have really had it in for High Priest Starmer," said one...