Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity. 'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches. 'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules. 'His reign hasn't been quite like the...

It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits. Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens. 'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that. 'And I...

.